


We Walk the Plank on a Sinking Ship

by billhighthescienceguy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (seriously he's an asshole), AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Parent John Winchester, Bad Parenting, Castiel & Charlie Bradbury Friendship, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Fluff, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic John, Homophobic Language, Identity Issues, Lots of Angst, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Texting, actually everyone is human, bisexual!dean, gay!cas, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-02-18 09:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2342750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billhighthescienceguy/pseuds/billhighthescienceguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is at another new high school, and he can't help but be bitter about it. However, when he meets Charlie Bradbury and Castiel Novak, he makes the two best (and only) friends he's ever had... If only he'd had more time with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! This is my first Supernatural fic I'm actually releasing unto the world, so bear with me. I'm usually terrible at updating, but I already have the first ten chapters mapped out, so I'm on a good course so far. Enjoy!
> 
> The title of this fic is from the Fall Out Boy song "Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?"

_"Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames  
_ _We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame  
_ _At least everyone is trying, everyone else is shining  
_ _Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame..."_  
 

Dean stepped out of the Impala onto the cool concrete and slammed the door shut. The Winchesters had arrived at the fifth motel that month, and it didn't look as though they'd be slowing down any time soon. He swung his duffle bag around his shoulder and trudged in through the door of their room after his dad. He dumped the bag on the bed with the horrible orange throw blanket and laid down next to it, covering his eyes. After all, they'd been driving for eight hours straight- he was exhausted. Sam waddled in after his brother, dragging an enormous bag of his own- one he could easily fit inside of should the need arise. John took the giant pack from his son and threw it at Dean.

"Get up, lazy ass, help Sam unpack," he shouted, walking out the door again. Dean rolled over and sighed. _What's the point of unpacking?_ He thought, unzipping his bag and pulling out his folded shirts. _We're only going to be here for two weeks, what good will it do?_ Regardless of his views, he and Sam packed away their things and stowed their bags under their beds. Dean laid back down on his bed and covered his eyes again. It was 6:30 in the morning, so he only had an hour before he was supposed to get up and go to school, but having not slept a wink in the car, he was hoping for at least a few minutes....

"Dean! Go take a shower, you have to walk Sam to school, I'm late." John called from outside. Well, he at least got a few... seconds. 

Dean dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, where he tried not to fall asleep. When he got out, John had left, and Sam was packing a notebook and some pencils into his backpack.

"I don't know why you bother, Sammy," Dean said, rubbing a towel around his wet hair. "Dad said we've only got a couple of weeks here, what, are you expecting to take a test as soon as you get there?"

"I'm not going to do all this hunting stuff when I'm older, Dean," Sam answered, digging around his bag for a pencil sharpener. "I'm going to be normal. Normal people go to school."

"Yeah, whatever." Dean shoved his feet into his biker books and looked at his watch. "We'd better get going, school starts in ten minutes."

They approached the two buildings and took a moment to stare. The middle school was short but wide, bricks painted white, with an American flag hanging by the door. The high school was right next door, with at least four floors and an eagle statue in the middle of the yard. Dean gave Sam his signature good-luck-on-the-first-day pat on the shoulder, and the two walked away from each other towards their respective schools. Dean swaggered through the front door and glanced around to find the main office. He noticed people looking at him, but he was used to it. He'd lost count of how many schools he'd been to in his life. He was always the new kid. He found the office, gave his name to the brunette secretary with the horn-rimmed glasses, and she handed him his class schedule.

8:00-8:15 Homeroom (402) Ms Peters  
8:20-9:00 Algebra II (217) Mr Talmond  
9:05-9:50 Chemistry (310) Mrs Rogers  
9:55-10:40 Study Hall (Library) Ms Johnson  
10:45-11:30 European History (106) Mr Truman  
11:35-12:00 Lunch  
12:05-12:45 Spanish (115) Sr Garcia  
12:50-1:35 English (203) Mrs Folger  
1:40-2:25 Art (100) Mr Wilson

Dean glanced up and down the schedule a few times before shoving it in his coat pocket and making his way to the staircase. When he finally found room 402 on the top floor, he found an empty desk in the back of the room and plopped down, laying his head on his arms and closing his eyes. Normally he'd work to make a good impression, but today, he was just too tired. The first bell rang and he jolted awake. He rubbed his eyes and, for the first time, looked around at who else was in the room. Directly in front of him were to boys- one with blond hair and a distinct English accent, and one with dark skin and a low voice. They seemed to be having an argument. 

"Because, Raphael, that doesn't even make any sense, why on Earth would he have wanted us to do that? We were supposed to read chapters 1 and 2, he wouldn't have us read the epilogue before we'd started the book!" The English boy said, waving his arms about and pointing at a notebook lying between them. Dean chuckled and looked around the room again. On the far corner of the room was an Asian boy hunched over a beaten up old SAT book, vigorously making notes in the margins and muttering to himself. In front of him was a very pretty girl with long brown hair and tan skin, talking to a beefed up dark skinned boy with a rather sinister look on his face, as though he wanted to kill every person in the room. Dean made a note not to cross him, then turned his attention to a pretty girl with bright red hair who had just walked into the room.

"I'm so sorry I'm late, Ms Peters, I slept in, I was having a Lord of the Rings marathon last night, and I-"

"It's alright, Ms Bradbury, just take your seat."

The red hair girl spun around and immediately made eye contact with Dean, who hastily looked away. He wasn't really in the mood to make new friends.

"Hi!" The girl said excitedly, taking the seat directly next to Dean. Dean resisted the urge to groan. 

"Hey," he replied, as politely as he could.

"I'm Charlie." She reached out her hand, and Dean grasped it firmly.

"Dean," he responded.

"Cool! So, are you new? I haven't seen you around before." 

"Yeah, I just got into town..." he looked at the clock on the wall. "Two hours ago?"

"Wow, and you're already in school? I'd have thought you'd want to be unpacking right now or something." She looked a little shocked, and Dean remembered that when most people come to a new school, they stay for longer than two weeks, and they usually have a new house.

"Yeah, well, my dad really cares about our education," he said. Charlie laughed, having not picked up on his sarcasm.

The two talked for the rest of homeroom, much to Dean's dismay. Though Charlie did prove herself useful by pointing out everyone in the room and giving them names.

"That's Lisa Braedan... She's so hot," she said, pointing at the girl with the long brown hair. "And that's Gordon Walker... He's a little... Strange... But he's captain of the football team, so I advise against crossing him and his minions." Dean laughed. Charlie was starting to grow on him.

"These two are Balthazar and Raphael, ignore them, they mostly just get in the way-"

"Oi! That's enough of that, I think," the English boy called over his shoulder.

"Sorry, bro," Charlie smiled, continuing her scan around the room. "Over there, that's Kevin," she said, pointing at the Asian boy with the SAT book. "He's really nice kid, he's just stressed over exams at the moment. He'll calm down once he's taken the test... five or six more times. And over there, that's Meg and Ruby. They're like, Queen Bitches. I mean, Meg's alright when she's by herself, but Ruby is just a nightmare." She gestured to two dark-haired girls in the middle of the room, both of whom were wearing combat boots and leather jackets. "That's Anna." She pointed to another red-headed girl, who was drawing in a sketch pad. "And..." she scanned the room again, "I think that's everyone. Except, I don't see- Oh, there they are!"

She pointed over at the two boys who had just walked in having a heated discussion. One was short and a little chubby, wearing all black and had an English accent. The other was tall, though not as tall as Dean, and wore a blue t shirt, black pants, and a tan trench coat. They both had dark hair, and were apparently arguing about politics. Dean watched them as they checked in with the teacher, who told them off for being late again. 

"That's Crowley," Charlie said, gesturing at the shorter boy. "We have kind of a love-hate relationship with him. And this," she said, as the boy in the trench coat approached their desks. "My knight in shining armor, Castiel Novak. Castiel, this is Dean." 

Castiel Novak smiled and held out his hand, and Dean shook it. "Hello, Dean," he said with a low, gravelly voice. Dean felt a chill go down his spine with he spoke. Castiel had round, bright blue eyes that sparkled like the ocean. He had a square jaw and a little stubble, and Dean quickly realized he was the most attractive man he'd ever seen. He seemed to get lost in the other's stare, and they didn't break until Charlie piped up.

"Uh... Guys?" Dean blinked and shook his head, released his grasp from Castiel's hand, and turned back to look at Charlie. But before anyone had a chance to talk about what had just happened, a voice came over the PA system.

_"Good morning, Roosevelt High! Today is March 28, and it is a Day 1 on our schedule. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance."_

~~~

Dean's classes went fairly well on his first day. He had Algebra II with Charlie, so they walked together down to the classroom, where he met Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler, two conspiracy theorists who didn't like Dean very much. They spent much of the class trying to debate with Dean, but Dean, being a realist, told them they sounded like idiots. This made Charlie laugh- she didn't like them much, either. After exchanging numbers with her, he waved goodbye to Charlie and made his was to Chemistry while she went to Computer Science. When he got to the lab, he sat down at the back of the room and started talking to a boy named Chuck Shurely, who was very interested in and persistent to talk about Dean's life, so Dean told him about Sam and how he'd pretty much raised him since he was a baby. Chuck was impressed, and Dean was surprised to see that he seemed to be taking notes.

"Uh... What are you doing?" Dean asked, pointing at Chuck's notebook.

"Oh, sorry, I should have mentioned. I'm a writer, so I'm always looking for inspiration for new characters," Chuck said proudly. When Dean still looked a little concerned, he quickly said, "oh, don't worry, I've done this with pretty much everyone at this school, and if I do decide to base a character off you, I'll change the name and alter the details, so no one will know it's you."

Dean decided he didn't like Chuck very much, but let him carry on. After Chemistry, Dean made his way down to the library, where he took a seat in between Kevin Tran and Lisa Braedan. He instantly turned on the charm and flirted until he got her number, but in the back of his mind, he knew he wasn't going to call her. He hadn't stopped thinking about Castiel's eyes all day.

Dean felt his phone vibrate as it received a text from Charlie.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _10:27 am  
_ **Message:** _Hey, do you have lunch after history? Want to meet up out in the courtyard?_

Dean texted back his reply, and when the bell rang ten minutes later, he made his way to history class on the first floor. He stepped in the classroom and froze. Castiel was sitting directly in front of him. He looked up and smiled at Dean.

"Hello again, Dean," he said happily. Dean tried to avoid looking at Castiel's eyes as he said "Hi, Castiel."

"Would you like to sit next to me? This class is pretty full, there aren't many empty seats." Castiel gestured to the empty chair next to him and Dean sat down. He made a show of shoving his backpack under his chair then looked around the room. Gordon Walker was sitting in the very back, glaring at Dean as though he was daydreaming about chopping his head off. Dean swiveled back around in his chair, a bit worried for his life, and turned his attention back to Castiel. Castiel stared at Dean's eyes in a way that made him feel ever so slightly violated, but generally safe at the same time.

"You have very green eyes," Castiel said, looking curiously at Dean's face. Dean felt his palms sweat.

"Oh, thanks. You have very blue eyes," Dean replied, sounding unintentionally flirtatious. Castiel's cheeks turned a rosy red, causing Dean's stomach to bubble with excitement. He usually got that feeling from talking to a pretty girl, and occasionally an attractive guy, but never this strong before.

The lesson went on, and Dean and Castiel barely paid any attention to Mr Truman's lecture on the French Revolution. Usually once Dean's charm had paid off and he had gotten his target's number, he'd end the conversation and kept to himself, but not this time. He really enjoyed talking to Castiel, he felt like he belonged with him. When the bell rang, the two set off together toward the courtyard to meet Charlie, who greeted them excitedly.

"Hey, guys! What are you doing after school today?" She asked, as the boys sat down on the grass next to her.

"Michael wants me to pick Rachel up from school, but after that, nothing." Castiel said, pulling a sandwich from his bag.

"Dean? What about you?"

"Uh, I've gotta walk my little brother... uh, home. But then I can do whatever. Why, what's the occasion?"

"I still haven't seen the new Toy Story and I really wanted to. Do you guys want to go? There's a showing at 4:05 and one at 5:40," Charlie read off her phone.

The boys agreed to go, then ate their lunch happily, watching some squirrels by a tree and talking about their lessons so far. At some point, Castiel excused himself to go to the bathroom, and Charlie took the opportunity to ask Dean what he thought of him.

"Uh... he's okay, I guess, why?" Dean asked, a little bit worried about the answer.

Charlie sighed. "Well, it's just..." she looked over her shoulder to make sure no one could hear her. "He was just dumped last week and he's been pretty upset. I was kind of hoping having someone new around would take his mind off of it."

"Oh, man, that sucks. But I haven't noticed anything like that, we've just been having normal conversations."

"Yeah, that's probably because he thinks you're cute." Charlie covered her mouth as soon as she said that, and stared wide-eyed at Dean. "Fuck, I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Shit, he's gonna kill me."

Dean was more flattered than anything, but a little confused. "Wait, is he gay?"

Charlie nodded. Dean felt a warmth in his stomach again, which he didn't really understand. Why would someone else's gayness be a cause for his own happiness? "Oh," was all he could get out.

"Wait, are... Are you gay, too?" Charlie asked, leaning in closer and lowering her voice.

"What?! No!" Dean answered harshly. "No way, I like girls!" He felt his cheeks grow hot, so he distracted himself by taking another bite of his sandwich.

"I'm sorry, it's not like it's a bad thing! It's just the way you reacted... I'm sorry, I shouldn't make assumptions." Charlie looked pretty guilty, so Dean said, "don't worry about it," and continued eating his lunch, avoiding eye contact.

"I mean... It just... I wouldn't have surprised, that's all." Dean desperately wished Charlie would drop it, but she was doing no such thing. "Because... Well, I've lived around here my entire life, and I'm gay, and I've kind of been like a... a gay magnet. I was the first person Balthazar met when he moved here, and I was the first one Cas met when he moved here. It's just... something I'd noticed. Sorry," she finished quickly, when she noticed Castiel had returned. Dean refused to look at him. He didn't have a problem with the fact that he was gay-- he had kind of guessed it himself. He just didn't like the thought that Charlie (and possibly others) thought that he, himself was gay. 

Dean finished his lunch in silence, waving Castiel's hand away when he offered him a piece of brownie. When the bell rang signaling the end of lunch, he left without saying goodbye to Charlie and Castiel, and walked to Spanish alone.

Halfway through his lesson, he looked at his phone and saw he had three texts. 

 

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:11 pm  
_ **Message:** _I'm really sorry I said that, Dean, but the fact remains that Cas really needs some friends right now. If I'm perfectly honest, I'm all he has. His family didn't react very well when he came out, and when he and Balthazar broke up, most of the school turned on him. Please don't shut him out because I fucked up._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:13 pm  
_ **Message:** _He asked for your number, so I gave it to him, I hope you don't mind._

 **From:** _Unknown  
_ **Time:** _12:16 pm  
_ **Message:** _Hi, Dean, it's Castiel. Did Charlie say something to you when I was gone at lunch? I hope I didn't do anything to upset you._

 **To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:29 pm  
_ **Message:** _Don't worry about it- I really like you and Cas, I'm just being a baby. I still want to go to the movies tonight, if you'll have me._

 **To:** _Unknown - > Castiel Novak  
_ **Time:** _12:32 pm  
_ **Message:** _Nah, man, you didn't. Charlie just... she kind of made me think about things I didn't want to think about... if that makes any sense. I'm being a little bitch, that's all._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:32 pm  
_ **Message:** _Where do you want us to pick you up? :)_  

 **From:** _Castiel Novak  
_ **Time:** _12:33 pm  
_ **Message:** _Glad to hear it. Are you still coming with us to the movies?_

 **To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:34 pm  
_ **Message:** _I'll walk there, it's not far from where I'm staying._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _12:34 pm  
_ **Message:** _Okay :)_  

 **To:** _Castiel Novak - > Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _12:35 pm  
_ **Message:** _Wouldn't miss it._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _12:35 pm  
_ **Message:** _:)_  

Dean smiled and put his phone back in his pocket. He suddenly felt very warm and welcome in this school, and even though he sat through the rest of Spanish class without so much as a word from Ruby or Meg (who he was sat next to), for the first time at a new school, he felt like he belonged there. 

~~~

The rest of the school day passed uneventfully. Dean waved goodbye to Charlie and Castiel after making plans to meet them at the movie theater at 4:00, then made his way over to the middle school to meet Sam. Sam chatted joyfully about his first day, talking about how the math teacher handed out a pop quiz, told sam he didn't have to take it, then sam took it anyway and aced it. Dean smiled fondly at his little brother, and when they got back to their tiny motel room, Dean fixed him a grilled cheese sandwich and helped him figure out which channel had the cartoons. At 3:50, Dean told Sam he'd be back later, and Sam waved goodbye without taking his eyes off the TV screen. At exactly 4:00, Dean arrived at the movie theater, and stood outside the doors as Charlie and Castiel pulled up in a light blue car. Castiel parked the car, and the three of them walked inside, bought their tickets, and headed up to Theater 6.

Without meaning to, Dean ended up in between his two friends, so he had to fight for both of his arm rests, which was something he usually avoided by sitting on the end. Charlie aggressively shoved his elbow to the side, smirking at him, while Castiel gave Dean their armrest, seemingly satisfied with just the one to his left. When the movie started, Charlie got very excited, laughing enthusiastically and cheering when something good happened. Dean thought this was adorable. Castiel, on the other hand, wasn't watching the movie very much. He was, instead, watching Dean. He was still marveling at the fact that Dean's eyes were the greenest he had ever seen. 

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Dean whispered to Cas slyly when he noticed. Cas blushed and looked away, but Dean couldn't help but notice the smile forming on the blue-eyed boy's face. Dean then, whether he intended to or not, leaned closer to Castiel, propping his elbow up on the armrest and setting his chin in his hand. He didn't realize how close he was until Castiel laughed at something in the movie, and his laugh shot down Dean's spine giving him goosebumps. Despite this, he didn't move.

The movie ended, and Charlie, being the massive nerd she is, stood up and applauded as the credits rolled. Others in the theater stared at her, but Dean and Castiel just chuckled as the three made their way down the steps and outside the theater. 

"Oh, that was so good!" Charlie squealed when they got outside into the parking lot. It was beginning to get dark. "Lotso was such a good character, I can't believe that after all these years, Pixar still nails it!" Dean and Castiel smiled and nodded, but were still focused on each other. Dean had an overwhelming urge to hold Castiel's hand or put his arm around him, but he resisted the temptation. 

"Do you need a ride home, Dean?" Castiel asked, and Dean suddenly realized they had all walked to Castiel's car and Charlie was getting inside. 

"Oh! Uh..." He couldn't tell him he was living in a motel. "No, that's alright. I'll walk, it's not that far."

"Are you sure?" Castiel asked concernedly. "It's getting pretty dark out and these streets aren't exactly safe at night."

Dean smiled and felt his pocket for the knife he always carries with him. "I'll be fine, don't worry about me. Just you two get home safe. I'll see you tomorrow."

Dean started off down the path towards the motel and waved to Charlie and Cas as they drove by. When he got back, Sam was sitting at the small table in corner of the room, doing homework. Dean kicked off his boots, climbed on his bed and turned on the TV to watch the news. He smiled to himself as the pretty Indian news broadcaster read out the headlines, thinking to himself that he didn't want to leave this school. He'd never really made friends at other schools, but here? Here he felt accepted. He felt included.

He felt at home. 

 


	2. Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter. It's a bit slow at the beginning, but it picks up, and I think it's pretty good. Let me know if you see any typos or anything that you think should be changed, I didn't proofread very well.
> 
> Enjoy it, my friends :3

_"I can't wake up to these reminders of who I am:  
_ _A failure at everything  
_ _18 going on extinct  
_ _I know my place  
_ _It's nowhere you should roam..."_  


Dean had been at this school for a week now, and he was feeling pretty good. A voice in the back of his head reminded him that his dad could pull him away at any moment, but he did his best to ignore it. This was the one time he wasn't going to give up. Charlie and Castiel had been better friends to him in the last seven days than anyone else had been in his entire life. He hung out with them everyday after school, hanging around the local coffee shop and going to the movies and the mall, just wandering around and talking. On Saturday, they spent the day swimming in Charlie's pool, and Dean found himself showing off in front of Castiel, flexing his muscles whenever he walked past. This was completely involuntary-- he kept reminding himself that liking a _boy_ that way was... not right. It wasn't... normal. At least, not for Dean. Dean like girls, he couldn't like boys if he liked girls! Instead of trying to think about his feelings, he shoved them down and hid them under piles and piles of pent up aggression and daddy issues.

But, I digress. Dean's first week of school was the best he'd had in a while. He also quickly realized that Charlie was a very good influence on him. She was a straight-A student, constantly taking notes in class and studying after school.

"Why don't you take any notes? Like ever? Don't you care about grades or college or anything?" She asked him one day, when he pointed this out to her.

"Well... No, actually, now that I think about it, I really don't. My dad, uh..." No, he had not told her what his dad did, what, are you insane? "He expects me to go into the family business. I don't really have much of a choice, you know, it's one of those jobs no one wants, but someone has to do it," he shrugged.

"Okay, but why do you have to do it, can't someone else do it?"

Dean pondered this, trying to picture Charlie or that scrawny little boy, Garth, lifting a machete and chopping off the head of a vampire, or shooting a werewolf in the heart with a silver bullet. "No, not really," he chuckled.

"What kind of job is so exclusive that only the great Dean Winchester and his family is capable of it?" Charlie asked him, putting her hands on her hips.

"Trust me, Charlie, you don't want to know," Dean answered, taking a sip of his coffee. They were in a coffee shop, studying for a chemistry test. Or, rather, Charlie was studying. Dean was watching her study.

"Alright, suit yourself. But you still need to graduate." She pulled a brand new notebook from her bag and handed it to him. "Here, it's an extra I've had for ages. You need to start caring, at least a little. You can get away with not going to college, but if you decide you don't want to go into your 'family business', no one is going to hire you without a GED."

Dean frowned at the notebook. He had never really taken notes before. Come to think of it, he wasn't sure he even knew _how_ to take notes. But, that sounded like a stupid question, so instead of asking, he thanked Charlie and stowed the notebook in his backpack.

Over the next few days, Dean studied how Charlie, Castiel, and others took notes, noticing what they would write down and how to format them. He found this very interesting-- far more interesting than most people would. Once he got the hang of it, he used the notebook from Charlie to take notes in every class. The class he had the most notes from was history.

Dean found himself wanting to impress Castiel further. Again, he wasn't consciously deciding to do this, but he was always finding himself taking especially good notes in that class, watching Castiel out of the corner of his eye, as those blue eyes followed Dean's hand down every page. Dean wasn't sure of exactly what effect his note-taking had on his friend, but he knew he liked the attention. 

One day, during last period, he got a text.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:07 pm  
_ **Message:** _Do you want to come over tonight and study for that history test? My brothers are going to be out all night, and I really need to get a good grade. Pleeeeeeease?_

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:08 pm  
_ **Message:** _Sure, where do you live?_  

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:08 pm  
_ **Message:** _173 Sycamore Terrace. Be there by 3:00._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:09 pm  
_ **Message:** _Cool. Is Charlie coming?_  

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:14 pm  
_ **Message:** _No. I mean, I didn't ask her. I figured it would be better if it was just us. She took this class last year, she'd just be a distraction._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:15 pm  
_ **Message:** _Is that okay?_

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:20 pm  
_ **Message:** _Definitely ;)_

Dean hit send on that last message without thinking about it enough. Making a mental note to stop doing that, he did his usual routine of waiting for the bell, bolting out of the school to meet Sam, walking him to the motel, making him a grilled cheese, and getting ready to leave again. 

"Geez, Dean, how many dates have you been on?" Sam asked, biting into his sandwich. Dean froze.

"What, uh, what are you talking about? I haven't been on any dates." Dean felt his palms sweat, like they normally did when he was thinking about Castiel. _Stop that,_ he thought, wiping his hands on his jeans.

"You've never had any friends, Dean, you only ever go out because you're going on dates. Are you going for the record or something? Trying to see how long it will take before you've made out with every girl in a school?" Sam smirked. Dean scowled.

"Don't talk about things you don't understand, Sam," he said, face turning red, as he picked up his jacket and swung his bag around his shoulder. "I'll be back later. Don't do anything stupid."

"I should be saying the same to you."

 ~~~

Ten minutes later, after an uncomfortable bus ride, complete with a man sneezing on his face, Dean found himself standing outside Castiel's house. This had never occurred to him before (though it should have; how many 16 year olds have their own cars?), but Castiel was, well... He was rich. He was _loaded._ Wrought iron gates blocked the long, winding driveway leading up to the three-story pearly white house. The lawn was neatly cut and flowers lined the pathways leading to the door and garage. The garage was fit for not one, not two, not even three, but _four_ cars. All but one was shut, and Dean could just barely make out Castiel's baby blue Chevy. Dean lifted his hand and pushed the huge gate open and started up the path, pulling his phone out to text Charlie.

**To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:04 pm  
_ **Message:** _So I'm at Cas' house. Why didn't I know he was loaded?_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:04 pm  
_ **Message:** _Oh yeah, those gates got me the first time I went there, too. Why are you at Cas' house?_

 **To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:05 pm  
_ **Message:** _Studying for a history test. I suggested inviting you but he said you'd be distracting. Gotta go, I finally made it up this damn driveway._

Dean looked at himself in the reflection on his phone. He shifted his hair around and wiped off an ink smudge he had on his chin before he realized what he was doing and began feeling foolish. He was also starting to wish that Charlie had been there with them. He slowly lifted his hand and pushed the doorbell. He heard it ring through the house, and seconds later, he was greeted by Castiel, who pulled the door open and let him in. Dean stepped over the threshold and, much like a cartoon, his jaw dropped. 

It was the grandest building he'd ever been in. Two marble staircases lined the walls either side of him. At the top, there was a balcony, with three doors behind the railing, and a hallway leading either side. Directly in front of Dean was a fountain of a baby with wings, spitting water from its mouth. Castiel saw Dean's face and chuckled.

"Yeah," he sighed, looking around the room. "My brother's a little... extravagant when it comes to the money our dad left us when he died."

"Holy _shit,_ " Dean exclaimed, his mouth still wide open. "What did your dad do for a living, was he like a god or something?" Castiel chuckled again, but didn't answer the question.

"We've just always been well off. He left us each quite a bit of money, but my brother Michael is the oldest and 'takes care' of it for us. By that, of course, I mean that he spends it on things like this house and fancy restaurants and other things we really don't need," he sighed. "But it's fine. Want a tour?"

Dean nodded enthusiastically, dumped his bag on the floor, and followed Castiel up the flight of stairs on the left. Cas pushed doors open and walked all around the house, showing Dean all four of the bathrooms, the kitchen, the grand dining room, everything. They stopped when they got to the home theater in the basement because Dean gasped widely and couldn't take his eyes off the Novaks' DVD collection. 

"Dude, why the hell have we been going to the movie theater when you have all _this?_ " Dean demanded, reading the titles of all his favorite movies. Cas shrugged.

"Someone's always in here. If Michael's not using it, Gabe's in here with some girl, or Rachel's watching a Disney movie and playing with dolls and toy cars. I usually keep to myself in my room, where I can get some peace."

Cas edged Dean out of the home theater, reminding him that he had come over to study, and assured him that they would do a marathon of the Batman movies next time he was there. After Dean retrieved his bag from the front door, they went back up the stairs, and walked down the hallway on the lefthand side, which, he assumed- as he hadn't seen them yet- led to the bedrooms. Castiel pointed his fingers at the doors as they made their way down the hall.

"Michael... Luci... Gabe... Me." He paused in front of a white door, and turned to look at Dean. "You don't mind if we work in here, do you? I have my computer and stuff in here." He looked nervous. Dean could relate, because he had suddenly started feeling nervous himself.

"No, that's fine, I don't mind," he said, not really aware of what he was saying.

"Okay, let me just make sure it's decent. One sec-" Cas left Dean standing in the hall, and Dean took the opportunity to check his phone for a reply from Charlie.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:06 pm  
_ **Message:** _Oh. Well, have fun. And remember, if things get heated, use protection ;)_

Dean's face grew hot and he shoved his phone back into his pocket. He felt sweat starting to bead on his forehead, just as Castiel opened the door again and let him inside.

A wave of relief hit him in the face as he stepped in the room. It was a fairly big room, but it had a much more homely feeling than the rest of the house. Cas had a queen sized bed in the middle of the far wall, small wooden bedside tables on either side. His desk and dresser were made of the same wood as the nightstand, and the walls were painted tan to accentuate the chocolate brown carpet. Feeling much less out of place, Dean sat down on the shaggy carpet as Cas pulled his laptop out of the drawer in his nightstand. The blue-eyed boy sat down next to the green-eyed boy, opened his laptop, and clicked open the power point his teacher had posted on the school website to review from. Dean wanted to think about history, but the French Revolution was not nearly as interesting as Cas was, so the former elected to staring at the latter's eyes.

Cas looked up and smiled. "What?"

Dean shrugged. "Nothin'. Your eyes are very blue."

Cas giggled. "Thanks. Yours are very green. I think we've been over this." Dean felt butterflies in his stomach when Cas giggled, and as the sweat on his forehead became more prominent, he wiped it with the back of his hand, and turned his attention towards his notes. 

"Anyway, the French Revolution began in 1789. Louis the sixteenth fucked up some shit, then Napoleon fucked up some shit, and that is why France is the way it is."

Cas laughed again, and Dean smiled, very pleased with himself, having been the cause of that satisfying sound. He knew he shouldn't enjoy his platonic friend's laughter the way he did, but really, who was it hurting? I mean, _really_ , who did it hurt if Dean got a bit giddy from a dude's laugh? No one, exactly.

As time went on, Dean took every opportunity he could to make Cas laugh, and Cas laughed at even the stupidest of puns. Dean also found that they were inching closer together with every passing joke. Castiel seemed either totally unaware of this, or it was so intentional he passed it off as nonchalant. Either way, Dean was impressed. By the time they had reached the point in their notes were Napoleon fucked up by invading Russia in the winter, the two boys were practically on top of each other. Their hips were pressed together, and Dean's hand was resting on the floor behind Cas' lower back. They both sat with their ankles crossed, leaning against the bed, one with a laptop, the other with a notebook. Dean was fully aware of every part of his body that was touching Castiel's, but justified it by constantly thinking, _what's the worst that could happen? We're just friends, it's not like I'm planning on boning him. And there's no way Dad could ever find out, so what's the problem?_

When finally they had reached the end of their notes and felt as though they had sufficiently studied, Cas closed his laptop and gently tossed it onto his bed. Dean simultaneously did a similar motion with his notebook, tossing it onto his backpack. They turned back around to face each other at the same time, and their eyes locked. Dean, once again, lost himself in the bright blue sky that were Castiel Novak's eyes, occasionally flicking his own eyes down to look at his friend's lips, wishing he could press his own to them without repercussion. _What's the worst that could happen?_ He thought again, his mind urging him on, but his body remaining unmoving. 

"Would you, uh..." Cas started, breaking the silence. "Do you want to go get something to eat or something? Or uh... Watch... We could watch a movie?" Their lustful stare did not break once. Cas' voice sounded lower than normal for some reason, and the fact that he was also speaking rather slowly did not do anything to help Dean's inner crisis. He felt blood rushing to his nether regions, but willed himself not to get too aroused. 

"Yeah, uh..." Dean started to respond, still not breaking eye contact. "Um... That sounds... Uh... Good." Dean saw Castiel's line of vision flick down to Dean's lips, and Dean involuntarily ran his tongue across them, watching as Cas mimicked the action with his own mouth. _See? He wants to, too. Just do it! What's the worst thing that could happen? Just do it!_

Before he had another second to think about it, Dean leaned forward and watched Castiel's face as it grew closer and closer to his own. Cas didn't take his eyes off Dean's plump lips, licking his own again as they grew ever closer. Now only inches apart, Dean reached his hand up, placed it lightly on Castiel's warm, reddening cheek, and filled the small space between them enthusiastically.

Dean had never kissed another guy before, so this was a new experience. He felt his stomach bubble to near bursting with excitement, as Cas put his hand on the back of Dean's neck and pulled him closer. The hairs on Dean's arms popped up and he got pleasant chills down his spine as he ran his tongue along Castiel's bottom lip. The blue-eyed boy responded by opening his mouth slightly, making room for Dean to slip his tongue inside. Deciding that this kiss was far more satisfying than any he had ever had with a girl before, Dean pulled Castiel into his arms, and Cas shifted his position on the floor to straddle Dean's thighs. Dean ran his other hand up his friend's back, feeling his blood pumping and his downstairs neighbor grow ever more solid. Cas massaged his fingers around Dean's already messy hair, both still kissing the other as though their entire lives had led up to this moment. 

After several joyful minutes of kissing and licking at each other's mouths, Dean felt his little friend tell him he needed to calm down or he'd have a problem. He pulled back slowly, and pushed his forehead against Cas' so they wouldn't have to make eye contact. After all, Dean had never done anything like that before; he didn't want to do everything in one night. If this thing with Cas was going to go anywhere, he was going to take his time.

Neither of them wanted to be the first to speak, so they just sat together, foreheads touching, breathing each other in. It didn't feel at all awkward, they were just enjoying the silence. That silence, however, was eventually broken when they heard the garage door open downstairs, signaling that Castiel's family had returned. Dean's heart began beating, and he slipped out a small "Oh God, what am I doing?" 

Dean started to stand up, so Cas pushed himself off of him and onto the floor, as Dean, face glowing red, pulled his bag to his side, stuffed his notebook and pencils inside, and zipped it up. 

"Are you okay?" Castiel asked, seeing that Dean was obviously incredibly anxious to leave.

"Fine," Dean grunted, pulling out his phone again as a distraction from what he had just done. He had two unread text messages.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _5:13 pm  
_ **Message:** _Haven't heard from you guys in a few hours... Don't do anything I wouldn't do! ;)_

 **From:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _5:22 pm  
_ **Message:** _Are you going to be back soon? I want ice cream. Can you get some before you get back?_

 **To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _5:45 pm  
_ **Message:** _I need to talk to you. It's urgent. Can you meet me at the coffee shop in ten minutes?_

 **To:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _5:45 pm  
_ **Message:** _No, you just had ice cream. Eat a fuckin' salad or something. I'll be there when I get there. If I'm not back by ten, lock the door and go to bed._

"Do you have to go?" Castiel asked, pulling Dean back into the situation he didn't want to be in.

"Uh... Uh, yeah, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow." He got up and made his way out of Cas' room before Cas could stop him. He trotted down the stairs and to the front door, passing one of Castiel's brothers on the way out. He heard a "who the hell are you?" issue from the guy's mouth, but he ignored it as he made his way outside, down the driveway, and through the gates. He stopped when he reached the bottom, and turned back around to look at Castiel's house again. Part of him wanted to smile after what just happened, but most of him wanted to bury himself in a ditch in Venezuela.

~~~

"Well, I could have seen that coming. You guys haven't seen what you look like around each other. Mucho sexual tension." Charlie said as she bit into her scone. Dean was wringing his hands together and jiggling his foot. He had just told her everything that had happened at Castiel's that night, along with everything he had been feeling recently. About how he liked girls and boys and how that didn't make any sense. 

"I don't understand though, I like girls. I mean, I've also sort of liked dudes in the past, but never as much as girls, and certainly never as much as this."

"Oh Dean, you ignorant slut. Haven't you ever heard of bisexuality?" Dean shook his head. "Well, I think it might be the answer to your little problem, friend. You like girls, great, but you also like guys. I mean, I can't put a label on you, but that sounds a lot like the ways of a bisexual."

Dean thought about this. He had heard of bisexuality, but he never really knew what it meant, it never really made much sense to him. 

"Well," he began, still trying to decide if bisexuals were a real thing or if Charlie was making them up to make him feel better about being a freak. "Suppose I was... bisexual. Wouldn't that make me like... shunned or something? Like I know that being gay isn't that big of a deal any more, but this..."

"Oh, God no!" Charlie exclaimed, widening her eyes. "No, no, around here, no one gives a single shit what you are. Let's see..." She began counting on her fingers. "Crowley's bi... I think Ruby might be, as well... Hell, Cas went through a bisexual phase last year." Dean stared at her. She shrugged. "We were at a party and he made out with Meg. Then he decided that wasn't for him, so he made out with Balthazar." Dean continued staring. "Sorry, should I not have told you that? Have I made you jealous now or something?"

"No, it's... it's fine. I just..." His voice trailed off and he was lost in his thoughts. It seemed pretty clear to him now that bisexuals were not, in fact, figments of Charlie's imagination, but real things. He felt a small weight lift off his shoulders as he came to the conclusion that he was bi, but he felt an even bigger weight replace it, as he realized this meant he'd have to go through the whole coming out process.

~~~

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _9:37 pm  
_ **Message:** _Good thing you've got us, then. We've both been through this, we'll help you, you don't have to do it alone unless you want to._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _9:50 pm  
_ **Message:** _Dean? Are you okay?_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _10:23 pm  
_ **Message:** _Guess you fell asleep. Don't worry about telling anyone right now- you can take your time. I'm proud of you for figuring this out, and don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, and don't rush into anything. At some point we will have to actually talk about what happened tonight... but that can wait. Right now, focus on you. We'll talk about us whenever you're ready. I'll see you in the morning :)_

Dean saw all of these texts he'd gotten from Cas, but he ignored them as he laid on his bed in the motel. He had texted to Cas everything he had told Charlie, more as an explanation for what happened than anything else. But none of that mattered anymore. None of it.  

He scrolled through his read messages, stopping at the one that had come in only seconds after he poured his heart out to Cas. The one that gave him a lump in his throat. The one that made him wish this week would go on forever. That one text message he'd get several dozen times in a year. The one he was usually thrilled to see. The one text that, right now, at this moment in Dean's life, was the very last thing he wanted to receive.

**From:** _Dad  
_ **Time:** _9:34 pm  
_ **Message:** _Be back in town Friday night. We leave Saturday morning._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :)
> 
> Next chapter will be up soon.
> 
> Uh, also, if you didn't get the reference, the part where Charlie calls Dean an ignorant slut is from the Office. I really wanted to fit that line in somewhere. :D


	3. Calm Before The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I really like this chapter. Thanks everyone who's given this story kudos and bookmarking it, I've never worked this hard on a fanfiction, so I really do appreciate it. Once again, if you see any grammar errors or anything I might have missed, please let me know so I can fix it.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

_"What you do on your own time's just fine  
_ _My imagination's much worse,  
_ _I just never want to know..."_  


Dean awoke in the early hours of Thursday morning and sat up in bed. He yawned and stretched and looked at the clock on his bedside table. 5:41 am. He picked up his phone and re-read the text messages he had gotten last night, hoping he had dreamt receiving them. When he concluded that it hadn't been a dream, he flopped back down on his bed and rubbed his eyes. There was no way he could go back to sleep now that he was awake, so he slowly rolled off his bed onto his feet and stalked off into the bathroom for a shower.

When he got out, Sam was still asleep, and he still had an hour before he had to be up for school. Dean scribbled a note telling Sam where he was, left it on the table, pulled on his boots, and stepped outside into the cool April air. He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of early spring, then started off down the sidewalk towards Castiel's house. He had no intention of actually going to Cas' house, but the walk there was about twenty minutes, so twenty minutes there and twenty minutes back would give Dean enough time to clear his head before going back to the motel and waking Sam.

He shoved his hands into his coat pockets and stared at the ground as he walked. Thoughts were flying in and out of his brain as the memory of what had happened last night at Cas' was coming back to him in extreme detail. Just thinking about it made him feel giddy. He smiled the world's tiniest smile, trying to avoid ruining this great memory by thinking of what consequences could come out of it. 

He walked past the movie theater and looked around at the deserted parking lot. The owners of the cars that usually filled those spaces were at home, asleep, or else awake and running off to work or waking up their kids for school. He felt jealousy pour inside him as he thought about how much he wished his life could be that simple. He really didn't want to go hunt a rugaru with his dad in Wyoming, he wanted, more than anything, to stay here, in the middle of No Where, Indiana, with Cas and Charlie and Kevin Tran and Meg and Ruby... He'd even miss Gordon if he had to leave. 

He continued along until he reached a bus stop, where he sat down on the bench and pulled out his phone. He clicked open a new message, and paused before typing anything, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard. There was so much he wanted to say. He sat there on the cold metal bench for a full five minutes before finally typing.

**To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:24 am  
_ **Message:** _I doubt you're awake yet, but if you are, do you mind if I come by? I really need to talk to you and I'd rather not wait until school._  

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:25 am  
_ **Message:** _How far away are you?_

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:25 am  
_ **Message:** _About five minutes. Why are you up this early? I wasn't expecting a response._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:26 am  
_ **Message:** _I should point out that you are also up this early. Come wait at the end of my driveway, I'll be down soon. I don't want to wake my brothers up._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:27 am  
_ **Message:** _Okay. Thanks._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _6:27 am  
_ **Message:** _:)_

Dean abandoned his seat at the bus stop and took off down the sidewalk once again, increasing his pace ever so slightly. When he reached the giant white gates guarding Castiel's house, he sat down in front of them, leaned against them, and closed his eyes.

About a minute later, he heard footsteps coming down the driveway, and he stood up and saw Cas speed-walking toward him. He felt his heart skip when he saw that Cas' hair was damp and his clothes were neat and clean. He had clearly just gotten out of the shower. He opened the gate and stepped out onto the sidewalk to join Dean.

"Hi," Dean said, gazing at Castiel's newly shaven face and damp messy hair. 

"Hi," Castiel replied, looking back at Dean with concern in his eyes. "Is something wrong? Why did you need to talk to me so early, what couldn't wait?" 

Dean had temporarily forgotten why he had come. He blinked and shook his head slightly, then looked back at Cas and felt his heart drop to his stomach. He felt a lump rise in his throat, but he swallowed it down, refusing to let himself cry in front of Castiel. He sat back down on the ground and pulled his knees to his chest. Castiel joined him and rubbed his hand on Dean's leather-clad back.

"What's the matter, what's happened?" Dean couldn't answer. He turned his head to face his friend, and suddenly had the overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Hoping it would calm him down a bit if nothing else, Dean leaned in and planted a firm kiss on Cas' lips. Cas lifted his hand and curled Dean's hair around his fingers, but before this could go any further, Dean pulled away again, feeling a bit more relaxed.

"Hey," he said lamely, looking fondly at the boy next to him.

"Hey," Cas giggled.

"So," Dean sighed, breaking eye contact by focusing instead on an ant that was crawling its way along the sidewalk. "I uh... I-I'm sorry I bolted out like that yesterday, I was just, uh..."

"Overwhelmed?" Cas finished for him, "it's okay, it happens to the best of us." He smiled at Dean, still stroking his hair with his fingertips.

"Yeah, I guess. Um... But that's not what I came to talk to you about." Dean let his face melt into Castiel's hand as he closed his eyes and breathed in the other boy's scent. He smelled fresh and clean- the complete opposite of how Dean felt.

"Okay... What going on?"

Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Part of him never wanted to tell Castiel what was going on, he wanted to keep it to himself, keep the burden off Castiel's shoulders, but he couldn't do that. He wouldn't.

"Right after I sent you... that text... last night," he began, still feeling Cas' fingers brush against his cheek. "I, uh... My dad, he uh... Um..." He couldn't do it, he couldn't say it, he couldn't. "Uh..." 

"What is it, Dean?" Castiel said, ceasing his stroking and putting on a more serious expression. "Did your dad find out about what we did? Was he angry?"

"No, no, nothing like that," Dean answered, waving his hand. "No, it's just... Well... It's complicated. But what it boils down to... is... Okay, well, I kind of have this... this second life." 

Castiel stared at him blankly. "What?"

"I um... There are a lot of things I haven't told you, Cas, and for some reason- I don't know what it is, but for some reason- I can't lie to you and I feel like I just have to be honest with you. And that's... That's not something I ever really... Do. Ever."

Cas reached over and picked up Dean's hand and held it between his. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay."

Dean took another deep breath. 

"Well, okay, so you know how I say I've pretty much raised Sam since he was a baby because our mom died and our dad had to work?" Cas nodded. "Well, that wasn't a lie, but... I didn't tell you how my mom died, or what my dad does... For a living." Castiel looked puzzled, but he let Dean continue without interruption. "My mom, uh... She died in a fire. Sammy's nursery caught on fire, while she was in it. And I don't know how he did it, but my dad managed to get Sam out of his crib... And uh... He handed him to me and told me to get outside as fast as I could. I... Bolted down the stairs as fast as my little four-year-old legs could carry me, and got outside just in time to see the flames... Catch the rest of the house and... Well... Eat it up." He swallowed hard. He didn't like this memory, and he couldn't remember the last time he had to tell this story to someone. Cas squeezed his hand, and he continued.

"Well... That fire was not... It wasn't a normal fire. If you ask the police investigators, it was a tragic accident stemming from some bad wiring in the walls, but my dad and I... We know better." He looked over at Castiel's face. He was wearing an expression that conveyed worry, but he urged Dean on. "So, uh... What it actually was... Now I know this sounds crazy, and I know you're probably going to think I'm a lunatic... But it was... We think my mom was a target. We think someone did that to her on purpose. And uh... My dad's job isn't exactly... A conventional job. He's been looking for... Whoever was responsible for my mother's death."

Cas gave his hand another squeeze. "Dean, that's terrible. But why are you telling me this?"

Dean pulled out his phone and checked the time. It was nearly 7:00, he'd have to get going soon. He put his phone back in his pocket and continued.

"Um, well... Looking for... Whoever did it... Is not easy. It's not something you can do in a few weeks or a few months. He's been looking for over ten years now, and still, nothing. But the thing about this job, this... Hunting mission... Is that he drags me and Sam along with him everywhere he goes. Moving around is something I've been doing for most of my life, I barely remember a time when I had... A house, or a-a bed of my own or a... A friend." He felt tears around the brim of his eyes, so he swallowed hard and rubbed his thumb on the back of Cas' hand. "So... Coming to this town, meeting you, and-and Charlie... This has been the best three weeks I've ever had."

"Dean, why are you talking as though we're never going to see each other again or someth-" Cas' voice trailed off as the gears in his brain clicked into place. He gave Dean a questioning look, and Dean nodded solemnly, putting his head in his hands. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow night."

Cas shifted his position and wrapped his arms around Dean's body. Dean let a few tears fall and splash on the ground, but didn't let Cas see. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and the two sat on the cold ground, holding each other tightly. 

"Is there any way you could convince him to let you stay?"

"No."

Cas pulled Dean's head to his chest and held him, as more tears fell off Dean's face, landing on Castiel's lap. Dean took a deep, shaky breath, trying to stop himself from crying, but he couldn't. The tears fell. He felt so small. He felt like a child. He felt like he had just been given everything he could have ever wanted out of life and then had it taken away again. Cas rocked him gently and Dean let out a small sob, holding Castiel even tighter. He also felt a drop of warmth land on the top of his head, and he sat up and saw that Cas' face was also wet with tears. Dean wiped them from his cheek and smiled at him. The tears had made the blue eyes look even more beautiful than they ever had before.

"It's okay. I... Damn it, this sucks." Dean reached up to his own face and dried his cheeks with his sleeve. "We'll just... We'll have to work something out, that's all. I... I don't know, I can... I-I could... I don't know."

"I'm not ready to lose you, yet, Dean." Castiel whispered, eyes sparkling, face red. Dean leaned over and gently kissed Cas' plump lips. When they broke apart, he pressed his forehead to Cas'.

"I'm not ready to lose you, either."

~~~

Castiel gave Dean a ride back to the motel. He stopped outside Dean's door and turned off the engine. 

"Do you want me to drive you and Sam to school? Homeroom starts in, like, fifteen minutes, I don't want you to be late."

"No thanks, it's fine, don't worry about it." Dean rubbed his eyes and looked in Cas' wing mirror to check his face. It wasn't _too_ red. He hoped Sam wouldn't notice.

"Okay. Well... Don't be too late, alright? If... If we only have two more days... I want to spend as much time with you as possible. And I'm sure Charlie does, too." Cas said, stroking Dean's hand with his thumb. Dean smiled.

"Could you, maybe, not mention this to her yet? I want to tell her myself."

"Sure," Castiel smiled back. "See you in a bit?"

"Definitely," Dean said, opening the car door and stepping out. He slammed it shut, and walked to the door of his motel room before turning around and waving at Cas as he drove off.

~~~

"Alright, have fun, Sammy. Dad'll be back tomorrow, and then we're out of here." Dean faked a smile as Sam waddled off to the middle school. Dean made his way towards the high school, up the four flights of stairs leading to his homeroom, and stepped inside just as the late bell rang.

He instantly spotted Castiel and Charlie chatting in the back of the room and they both looked up when they saw him coming. Charlie grinned brightly, but Cas smiled sadly. Dean smirked in response- he had gotten good at lying about how he was feeling.

"Hey guys," Dean said, taking his seat next to Charlie.  

"'Sup, Winchester?" Charlie grinned. She gave that grin people give when they know your secrets but they're not sure if they should mention it outright. 

"Uh... You know, same old," Dean replied. He glanced over at Cas, who nodded grimly. "Um, actually, Charlie, there is uh... There is something." He swallowed. He didn't want to bring Charlie's mood down, but he knew he had to tell her. "Well, it's a long story, but basically it boils down to the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow night and I probably won't come back," he said quickly, fighting back tears. It was bad enough Castiel had seen him cry, he wasn't about to cry in front of the whole class.

"What? Why?" Charlie's grin had disappeared. Now she looked worried.

"My dad's making us move again. This happens a lot, so I'm used to it, and so is Sammy, and I'm usually really happy about it, but this time it's like... I don't want to leave, you know?" Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes. They were still hot. He felt Cas reach behind Charlie and rub his back, which made Dean want to cry even more, but he also didn't want Cas to stop... Dean is a conflicted child.

The rest of the day consisted of the following:

• Charlie trying to crack jokes and not be too upset at the fact that Dean had only been with them for less than a month.

• Dean staring at Castiel, hoping Charlie wouldn't notice, and wishing he had just gotten a little more time with him.

• Castiel putting his arm around Dean every time he got the chance, making sure it looked completely platonic by also putting his arm around Charlie.

Dean was also working very hard not to cry. When it was sixth period and he was in a class he had with neither Charlie nor Cas, he excused himself to go to the restroom and threw cold water on his face. He stared at himself in the mirror. His usually grass-green eyes were bloodshot, and quite resembled the color of moss covered in mud. He stared at his own eyes, and the memories of the last few weeks flew in and out of his mind, and he felt his tears coming back up again. Not being able to hold them back any longer, he let the salty liquid drip down his face and land on the bathroom counter. He turned on the sink so as to drown out the occasional sob, and there he stood, crying in the bathroom at school. How cliche.

He was stood there for at least five minutes, trying to calm himself down, reminding himself this happens all the time, that he had to put on a brave face for Sammy's sake, that he couldn't make this any harder for Cas and Charlie than it already was... But the tears just kept coming. It was that silent crying everyone hates so much. The kind that, once it starts, you can't ever make it stop. The kind where your face turns all blotchy and your nose runs and you _just can't stop._

Suddenly, the bathroom door swung open and Dean's head shot up in surprise. Castiel was standing in the doorway and he stared at Dean through the mirror. Dean felt a lump in his throat again, and grabbed a paper towel and started dabbing his face, trying with all his might to not start crying again. Castiel took the initiative of closing the door and wrapping his arms around Dean, who completely broke down, letting out loud sobs and crying into Cas' bony shoulder.

Cas rubbed his hand up and down Dean's back, hoping it would calm him down, but to no avail. Dean's mind was everywhere and nowhere, he had no idea what he was thinking, but he seemed to be thinking everything at once. He didn't want to leave. He couldn't leave, not now. Cas pulled him towards the bathroom door, and leaned against it so no one from the outside could open it. He planted a kiss on the top of Dean's head and whispered, "it's okay, Dean. It's going to be okay, you're going to be fine. It's not like we're never going to see you again, is it? You're welcome back any time, and we'll stay in touch." 

Then the bathroom door jolted and Dean immediately silenced. 

"Cleaners! Use the bathroom on the second floor, please," Cas called out to the teenaged boy who was just trying to take a piss. 

"Okay... Sorry..." the boy answered, and Dean and Cas heard his footsteps fade away. The two boys in the bathroom remained in their position, though Dean had stopped crying. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and nuzzled his face in his friend's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, Cas," he whispered, his voice gravelly.

"Don't be."

Dean pulled away slightly, then leaned back in and pressed his lips to Castiel's. He felt a spark in his stomach as Cas kissed him back, but he abruptly ended the moment, as he realized he had been in the bathroom for at least ten minutes, and Sr Garcia would be wondering where he'd gone. He pulled away from Cas and went back over to the sink to wash his face and fix his hair. Cas followed him and just leaned on the counter, staring.

"You're not going to forget about me, right?" Dean asked. The question sounded rather childish, but he needed an answer.

"Sweetie, I think it's more likely that you'll forget about us," Castiel answer, stroking the stray hairs out of Dean's face.

"Sweetie?" Dean teased, turning to look at Castiel. "Sweetie? Really?"

Cas shrugged. "Just be glad I didn't call you 'Pumpkin.'" Dean groaned.

"' _Pumpkin?'_ Oh, Cas, please tell me you didn't call Balthazar ' _Pumpkin_.'"

Cas' face glowed red. "Well, he started it, and then it just became a habit..."

Dean giggled and swatted Castiel's hand away from his head, making Cas giggle too. Then Cas pressed his fingertips into Dean's side, making Dean jump and Dean retaliated by tickling Castiel's neck. They continued fooling around in this way until Dean's face had returned to its original color and they were both laughing loudly, their voices echoing off the bathroom walls.

"Oh, geez, Cas..." Dean chuckled, voice returning to normal. "Don't worry about me forgetting you. I don't think that'll happen any time soon."

"Yeah, but, you know... Wherever it is you're going, you'll meet new people and form new bonds... I just find it hard to believe you remember every single friend you've ever made if you've really moved around as much as you say you have."

Dean sighed. "Cas, I've never really made friends. 'Don't get too attached,' that's what my dad always says." Dean ran his fingers through Castiel's messy black hair. "I'll forget about you the minute Charlie forgets all the lines in the _Lord of the Rings_ movies."

Castiel smiled and patted Dean's cheek dumbly. Then the bell rang, making both of them jump, and they zoomed out of the bathroom to gather their things from their respective classrooms, then made their way to their next class.

Dean spent the rest of the day feeling pretty good. After all, Cas was right- they had cell phones, they wouldn't lose touch. After school that day, Charlie treated the three of them- and Kevin Tran, who Charlie made tag along to take a break from SAT prep- to ice cream and mini golf, which mostly just ended in Dean and Cas being playfully competitive with each other, occasionally tapping each other on the butt with golf clubs when no one was looking. After their game, Kevin insisted that he be brought home to do his homework, and Charlie had to be home to Skype with some of her internet friends, so Cas drove them to their houses, then drove himself and Dean to the lake near Cas'  ~~mansion~~ ~~~~  house. ~~~~

He parked his car along the grassy hill in front of the lake, then popped the trunk open to reveal a blanket and a cooler. "I went to the store when you were walking Sam back from school," Cas said, when Dean noticed these things. "I thought we'd have a little cliche picnic before you have to leave."

Dean smiled, looked around to make sure no one was watching, then pushed his lips to Castiel's rosy cheeks. "This is awesome, what'd you bring?"

"Bread, cold cuts, mustard, lettuce, cheese... Soda... I think there's some lemonade in there, too, left over from when Gabe took it to the beach with his friends. It's nothing special, but I figured, why not?" Castiel beamed at Dean, and Dean heaved the cooler out of the trunk, walked right to the bottom of the hill near the lake, and set it down. Cas followed behind him, laid the blanket on the ground, and sat down on it.

They made their sandwiches, watched the ducks and the geese swimming around the lake, and talked for hours. As it was beginning to get dark, water started shooting from the lake making Dean jump. Cas laughed as he realized he forgot to tell Dean about the fountain show that began at 8:00 every night. Lights glowed from the lake and streams of colored water flew around the air. Dean was mesmerized by the sight, and had almost forgotten that this time tomorrow, he'd be sitting in the Impala with his dad and his brother, headed off to Wyoming to hunt a rugaru. Castiel put his hand on top of Dean's and rubbed his thumb along Dean's knuckles. Dean twisted his arm around and locked their fingers together, not moving his eyes from the fountains in front of them.

When the fountains subsided finally, the sky was completely black and the other people who were watching the fountains filed back to their cars and drove away, one by one, leaving only Dean and Castiel alone on the hill, still holding hands, not saying a word. Dean laid back on the blanket and looked at the stars, tightening his grip on Castiel's hand. Cas laid down next to him and cuddled closely to the green-eyed boy's side. Cas didn't take his eyes off Dean-- he wanted to soak up every last ounce of Dean's beauty he could before they'd have to part for... Well, who knows how long?

Dean turned to look at Cas and moved his black hair away from his eyes.

"You have very blue eyes," Dean smiled.

"You have very green eyes," Cas recited. They moved closer to each other and locked their other hands together, and Dean pressed his forehead to Castiel's. Dean was now at the point where he didn't care if anyone saw them. In fact, he _wanted_ someone to see them. He wanted someone to pop out of nowhere and call them names so he could punch that person in the mouth and prove to Cas how much he meant to him. He brushed his nose against Castiel's and kept smiling, his insides warm and fuzzy.

"Don't forget me, Cas."

"I wouldn't if I could, Dean."

They pressed their lips together and kissed slowly, lying on that blanket, next to the now quiet lake, under the starry sky. Dean realized, once again, he was exactly where he wanted to be.

~~~

After their fun at the lake, the two went for a drive around town, and Cas pointed out houses and places and told Dean stories of his childhood. Sarah Blake's house, where Castiel had fallen off the swing set and broke his wrist when he was seven; Joshua's Garden Shop, where Michael had gone a little crazy with his credit card, buying dozens of plants for the house, which revealed why Cas had tiny cactuses littered around his room; The Roadhouse, owned by Jo Harvelle's mother, where Cas had had his first kiss with Balthazar... 

Dean loved hearing these stories, but he mostly just loved listening to Castiel's deep voice. He couldn't take his eyes off him, and it was almost 1:00 in the morning before either of them realized they still had school tomorrow. Dean also remembered his phone was on silent, so he pulled it out to see that he had five missed calls, two voicemail messages, and fourteen text messages from his brother. He quickly dialed Sam's cell, and Sam picked up immediately.

_"Dean, where the hell are you? Why weren't you answering my calls?"_

"Sorry, Sammy, I lost track of time. Why aren't you in bed?"

_"I can't just fall asleep without knowing if you're okay. You're lucky you called, I was about to call Dad, he would have been pissed."_

"Yeah, don't call Dad, I'll be back in a bit. Just lock the door and go to sleep. You still have to go to school tomorrow."

_"So do you. And so does the girl you're with."_

Dean sighed. "Like I said, Sammy..." He grabbed Castiel's hand and rubbed his thumb along his pale knuckles. "Don't talk about things you don't understand. Go to sleep. I'll be there soon."

Dean hung his phone up and Castiel smiled at him under the glow of the red traffic light they were stopped under. Dean smirked back, and watched as the glow on Castiel's face turned from red to green, and Cas turned his attention back to the road and drove off.

He drove to Dean's motel room and turned the car off right outside the room, in the hopes that if Sam was asleep, they wouldn't wake him up. The two boys in the car stared at each other, and Dean felt the need to invite him inside so they could lie together and watch bad TV shows until the sun came up. But he still didn't want to wake up Sam, so he compromised by saying, "would it be totally weird if we got in the back seat and made out?"

Cas laughed and grinned at Dean again. "We really shouldn't, Michael's probably wondering where I am, and even if he's not... We have school tomorrow."

"We might not get another chance, though!" Dean whined playfully.

"Don't... Don't say that," Cas said, his smile fading. "Please. Don't." 

Dean frowned and sighed. "I know. I'm sorry." He put his hand on the back of Castiel's neck and pulled him towards himself and kissed him softly. "We'll get more chances. I promise."

Cas gripped Dean's wrist and breathed in his scent. "See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow."

~~~

Dean's last day at Roosevelt High was just like any other. He, Charlie, and Cas spent the morning denying the fact that Dean was leaving, and they spent the afternoon running wild around town, trying to do everything they possibly could do in the little time they had. 

3:00, they went to the aquarium and Dean pointed to the ugliest fish there and said, "hey look, Cas, it's you!" Cas responded by lightly punching Dean in the arm, and nodding towards a fish that seemed confused by its reflection and said, "yeah, and that's you."

3:45, the three found themselves in Charlie's swimming pool with Kevin Tran, playing chicken. Dean had Cas on his shoulders, and Charlie was sitting on Kevin's and the four of them hit each other with pool noodles until Kevin announced he had to go practice cello. 

6:00, Charlie produced a batch of vanilla cupcakes with baby blue icing, and the letters spelling out 'Happy Birthday' in purple. Dean looked at her questioningly. "Well, I mean, we didn't get to celebrate any of our birthdays with each other, so I figured we'd do all of them at once." So, they sang Happy Birthday, loudly and off-key, then smeared frosting over each other's faces, giggling uncontrollably.

7:15, Dean got a text from his dad.

**From:** _Dad  
_ **Time:** _7:15 pm  
_ **Message:** _Leaving now. Be there around 8:30. Make sure Sam has something to eat first, and make sure you're both packed. We need to be on our way by 8:45._

He showed the text to Cas and Charlie, and their grins faded and the three of them sat down at the counter in Charlie's kitchen. 

"I don't want to get all corny, but... I just wanted to thank you guys for... everything." Dean smiled uncomfortably, and Cas and Charlie laughed.

"You've improved our lives too, Dean," Charlie answered. "I just wish you could have stuck around longer. Make sure you don't forget us."

Dean looked over at Cas and smiled. "I wouldn't if I could."

~~~

At 8:15, Cas drove Dean back to his motel room, with Charlie sitting in the back seat. Dean finally explained to her where he lived and why he lived there like he had told Cas, and she was appalled.

"That can't be good parenting! Living in a motel eating crappy diner food? I'm so sorry, Dean!"

Dean chuckled. "Don't be, I'm used to it. I just wish Sam wasn't used to it, I wish he could have a normal family, just for like a week or something..."

When they pulled up in front of the motel, Dean flew inside, made Sam a sandwich, finished packing everything up, and at 8:18, he realized Cas and Charlie were standing in the doorway.

"You guys can come in, there aren't any hookers here. Maybe a few ghosts, though..." He added in complete seriousness. Cas and Charlie laughed, and he was glad they did, but he was actually very concerned at the prospect of having a ghost of a prostitute living in his motel room. 

At 8:30, Dean checked out of the motel, dragged his and Sam's duffle bags outside, and sat on the sidewalk with Cas and Charlie either side of him. Sam sat down on the bench against the motel wall and played on his old GameBoy-- which had been Dean's when he was a kid-- and got completely lost in his game, totally unaware of anything around him.

At 8:36, Dean heard the roar of the Impala down the street, and sighed. This was it. He turned to Charlie and gave her a tight hug.

"Don't you lose my number, Winchester," she said into his shoulder.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Dean smiled. Then he pulled away, patted her cheek dumbly, and turned to Cas and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I wish you didn't have to go," Cas whispered, only loud enough for Dean to hear.

"Me too," Dean whispered back. He started to pull away, but Cas pulled him back, kissing him firmly on the lips. For a split second, Dean was worried about what Sam would say if he saw them, but he soon fell under waves of pleasure and everything around him disappeared. He didn't notice when the Impala pulled up next to them.

He didn't notice when his dad got out of the car and slammed the door shut.

He didn't notice when Charlie said, "hi, you must be Mr Winchester."

He didn't notice anything.

Then he did.

"What the fuck-" John yelled, as he wrapped his fingers around Dean's collar and heaved him from the ground. "-do you think you're doing?!"

Dean quaked in terror, his heart sinking to the bottom of his stomach, and he felt like he was about to throw up. "I-I... Uh, I-" He tried desperately to think of some reason he could have been kissing a boy that John would approve of, but before he had a chance, he was lying on the ground, his cheek stinging from being struck by his father, his head pounding after hitting the cold pavement. Making John Winchester angry was the most dangerous thing that Dean-- or anyone-- could do. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, John's an asshole. Just a quick warning: the next chapter is going to go over just how much of an asshole he is, and it's going to have rather homophobic/biphobic language. I'll post another warning in the notes of the next chapter, but I just thought I'd give you a head's up.
> 
> I hope you liked it!


	4. Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There is quite a bit of homophobic language, and the discussion of homophobic language in this chapter. There is also some descriptions of abuse, as well as references to past abusive situations.
> 
> That being said, this might be my favorite chapter so far, so do give it a chance. Thank you so much if you left kudos or bookmarked this fic, and I hope you're enjoying it! :D

_"Every friend we ever had in common  
_ _I will sever the tie with you  
_ _You can thank your lucky stars  
_ _That everything I wish for will never come true"_  


Dean didn't move from the ground. He felt as though his head was about to explode, as though it were a grenade, and hitting the ground was like pulling the pin. He heard a loud buzzing in his ears-- particularly in the right ear, which was the one his dad had struck. Though he couldn't quite comprehend what Charlie was saying, he could hear her shrill voice echoing around his brain as she screamed at John.

_"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"_

_"GET OUT OF MY WAY, GIRL, LET ME DEAL WITH MY SON!"_

He could barely make out where he-- or anyone-- was, but he saw Charlie's red converse directly in front of him, and he quickly figured out that she had put herself between Dean and his father. Dean suddenly felt hands on his head, and he made to swat them away, but soon realized they belonged to Cas, so he let them stay.

_"SAM, GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!"_

_"HOW DARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO YOUR SON, HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! AND EVEN IF HE HAD-!"_

_"DON'T TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, GIRL!"_

_"Dean? Baby, are you okay?"_

Cas' calming voice snapped Dean fully back into reality. His head was throbbing horribly. He felt around for Cas' hand and he held it tight. He tried to sit up but found it difficult. Every movement he made felt like a train crashing into his brain.

"Dean, don't move, you're going to be okay, I promise."

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY SON!"

"Sir, please don't yell. I'm just trying to make sure he's okay-"

"DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM! YOU'VE TURNED HIM INTO A... A-A FAGGOT!"

Cas tensed up under Dean's touch. Dean knew what affect that word could have on him, and if anyone else had said it, he would have stood straight up and punched that person in the face until they were unconscious. But since it was his own dad...

Charlie also seemed to be in mild shock after hearing that word, as she didn't retaliate as she usually would. John shoved her out of the way and curled his fingers around Dean's collar again and lifted him up so his feet barely touched the ground.

"I DID NOT RAISE MY SON TO BE A FAGGOT!" John screamed into Dean's face, and Dean felt a lump in the back of his throat, tears dripping out of the corners of his eyes. He felt a boiling want to punch his dad square in the jaw, but he couldn't do that. "Get your ass in the car. We're leaving." 

Dean obeyed quickly and climbed into the backseat next to Sam, who was clutching his GameBoy to his chest, looking utterly horrified, but not saying a word. Dean rested his head on the window, and the throbbing subsided slightly at the touch of the cool glass. He heard Charlie and Cas screaming protests at John as he loaded the boys' duffle bags in the trunk, but he ignored them. He felt like he was going to throw up. He wished to God this had all been just a terrible nightmare, that he'd wake up any minute now to find that he was lying in his motel room bed.

When John got back in the car, he floored it, yelling about how Dean would _"never see those faggy friends of yours again!"_

~~~

The drive from Indiana to Wyoming was silent. Dean tried to get himself to doze off, but he couldn't, even when Sam did. His dad kept glancing back at him in the rearview mirror with a look that didn't convey regret so much as it conveyed the message of "have you learned your fucking lesson?"

And Dean had. He definitely had.

He had been feeling his phone buzzing repeatedly over the last few hours, but he didn't dare look at it. He knew there would be dozens of calls and texts from Charlie and Castiel. He just hoped they hadn't called the police-- though, thinking about it, he realized that it wouldn't even matter if they had. John had committed hundreds of crimes throughout Dean's childhood, and never once did he get caught. This time would not be any different.

After six solid hours of nothing but road, John took an exit and headed for a gas station. When he pulled up next to the pump, he spoke to his son coldly, not looking at him in the eye.

"I'm going to get some food for Sam. Go to the bathroom if you need to, we're not stopping again." The door squeaked open, he stepped outside, slammed the door shut again, and headed for the entrance to the store. Dean didn't move a muscle until his dad had gotten inside the shop and had closed the door behind him. When he couldn't see John anymore, Dean whipped his phone out of his pocket, turned the brightness down to its lowest setting, switched the phone to silent mode to stop it from vibrating, and clicked through his messages.

24 new messages.

7 missed calls.

He scrolled through them quickly, periodically looking over his shoulder at the door to make sure his dad wasn't coming back.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:41 pm  
_ **Message:** _What the FUCK did I just see?!_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:42 pm  
_ **Message:** _Dean, please tell me you're okay, me and Cas are worried sick._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:44 pm  
_ **Message:** _I just called the police, but they didn't seem like they'd be much help. They're on their way over, though, me and Cas are gonna talk to them._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:45 pm  
_ **Message:** _Does this happen a lot? Is your dad always an asshole?_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:46 pm  
_ **Message:** _Dean, oh my God, please tell me you're alright, please, I can't handle this right now, please answer._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:47 pm  
_ **Message:** _Cas is hyperventilating, please answer him, Dean, he's going to give himself a heart attack._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _8:50 pm  
_ **Message:** _Baby, please answer me, please, I need to know you're okay, I don't know what I'll do if you're not okay, Dean, please!_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:06 pm  
_ **Message:** _We just spoke to the police. They sound pretty useless. We told them everything we could about what happened, but they indicated that it wasn't a lot to go on._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:07 pm  
_ **Message:** _HAVE I EVER EXPRESSED TO YOU HOW INCREDIBLY USELESS THE POLICE FORCE IS?!_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:09 pm  
_ **Message:** _Please, Dean, we're terrified right now, the police officers told us to go home, but I can't get Cas to move, and I don't think he's going to until you answer._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:11 pm  
_ **Message:** _Looks like I'm spending the night outside a motel. Thanks, Winchester._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:11 pm  
_ **Message:** _Please let me know you're okay._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:32 pm  
_ **Message:** _I need to know you're safe. I need to know you'll be okay. I need you to promise me you'll call the police, or else, get somewhere safe._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _9:33 pm  
_ **Message:** _And I'm worried about Sam, too._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _10:43 pm  
_ **Message:** _We're sitting in Cas' car. He's fiddling with the radio. He's worried. I'm worried. I need to make sure you're not too badly hurt, Dean. Cas needs to know._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:09 pm  
_ **Message:** _Charlie fell asleep. I can't, though._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ 11:34 _pm  
_ **Message:** _Dean, I know you're not going to answer me, but you need to know that whatever you decide you have to do to escape your dad, I support you 100%_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:40 pm  
_ **Message:** _I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to coddle, but... Back when my dad was alive, when I came out... He reacted... Similarly to your dad._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:43 pm  
_ **Message:** _I know what it's like. I know how you feel, believe me._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:58 pm  
_ **Message:** _But I'm fine now. I wasn't for a long time, but I am now._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:59 pm  
_ **Message:** _Don't give up, and don't crumble under your dad's abuse. I know you, and I know you can win this battle._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _12:04 am  
_ **Message:** _It's Shakespeare's birthday. I'm tempted to wake Charlie up and recite Sonnet 130, what do you think?_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _1:14 am  
_ **Message:** _Answer me._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _1:37 am  
_ **Message:** _Please._  

The messages ended there. Dean looked back over his shoulder to check again for John, then turned back to his phone and typed quickly, not bothering with spell check.

**To:** _Blue Eyes, Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:34 am  
_ **Message:** _im ok. dad angry. dont worry. will txt from motel._

Seconds later, a message came in, and Dean almost dropped the phone in surprise.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:34 am  
_ **Message:** _Oh, thank God! Stay safe, Dean._

~~~

When they reached the motel in Wyoming, John sent Sam and Dean inside to unpack. The boys did as they were told, as usual, and John announced that he was going to a bar, and he'd be back sometime after dark. Dean almost pointed out that it was just barely the afternoon, but he decided against it. He figured it would be best to not make his dad angrier than he already was. When John left, Dean fashioned himself an ice pack from a plastic bag and some of the complementary ice in their motel room, and laid down on his creaky motel bed and closed his eyes. 

When he woke up, Sam was sitting on his bed, playing on his GameBoy again. The throbbing in Dean's head had subsided, but a bump remained where he had hit the pavement. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, then turned to look at the clock on the bedside table. 4:35 pm. He flopped back down, rolled over, and picked up his phone.

**To:** _Blue Eyes, Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _4:35 pm  
_ **Message:** _Hey guys. We're at the motel in Wyoming. Dad's at a bar. My head hurts. I think I'll be okay, but I can't text too much. How are you guys doing?_

Seconds later...

**_Incoming call: Charlie Bradbury_**

"Hello?"

_"Dean, oh thank God, are you alright?"_

"Yeah, hi, Charlie, I'm fine. Are you alright?"

_"Yes, yes, I'm good, I'm good- are you sure you're okay?"_

"Yeah, I'm fine. This..." Dean lowered his voice so Sam couldn't hear him. "Let's just say, this isn't the first time something like this has happened."

_"Wait, you mean your dad already knew... That you were bi?"_

Dean shuddered. He had been trying not to think about _why_ he had been hit-- it was easier to focus on the fact that he _had_ been hit. "Um... No. And uh... He-he still doesn't and probably never will... I just mean..."

_"So he's hit you before?! Dean, that's horrible!"_

Dean felt his stomach drop, as memories of his dad's reactions to Dean leaving Sam unattended as a child flashed through his mind. "I... It's not important, Charlie, really... I-I have to go, he'll be back any minute, I'll talk to you later. Tell... Uh, tell Cas and Kevin and everyone I said 'hi.'" He hung up the phone quickly and stuffed it into his pillowcase. 

He had only really answered his friends to put their minds at ease- he knew he couldn't stay in touch with them, not now, not when his dad knew what he did. Dean realized he had to be more careful, and from then on, whenever he heard his phone buzz, or heard his dad say his name, he'd get a knot in his stomach and he'd brace himself for the worst.

~ _August_ ~

Nearly four months later, as they approached the end of the summer after spending it as they normally did-- family hunting trips, researching cases, target practice-- Sam had begun to worry about his older brother. He and Dean would move between motels, doing research at local libraries, as per usual, but Dean... He just wasn't himself. He would tense up whenever John was around, he'd whip out his phone every time their dad left but never touched it when he was with them, and Sam swears that once or twice, he even saw his older brother shed a tear after looking at his phone. 

If Sam hadn't been witness to what John had done to Dean, he might have teased his brother. Dean would have said, "shut up, Sammy," before ruffling his hair and continuing research... But Sam was a smart kid. He knew way better than to try to bring it up. It was obvious to him that Dean was feeling vulnerable. He had to be delicate.

When Dean spoke on the phone on their first day out of Indiana, Sam had pretended not to listen. He'd had his headphones on and feigned video game-playing, but he heard every word out of Dean's mouth. That was the first time this summer he saw him cry. In fact, thinking about it, Sam realized it was the first time he had _ever_ seen Dean cry. He couldn't help but sit in awe when he recognized his brother's ability to maintain a happy face for his sake, but Sam didn't want that. He wanted Dean to actually _be_ happy.

And there was something bothering Sam about _why_ his brother was upset. It was a word. He'd heard the word before, but never from his dad's mouth, and certainly never directed at Dean. He wanted to know what it meant, but he couldn't find it in the dictionary, and he didn't dare ask his dad in case it meant something really horrible-- he didn't want to get in trouble, as well. So one day, when Dean was having what Sam considered to be a good day-- he had only checked his phone for a moment, smiled, and stashed it away again without so much as a dramatic pause to think about whatever it was he'd seen-- he decided to ask Dean what this word meant.

"Dean?"

"Hmm?" 

"Um..." He had no idea how to phrase this question, he didn't really know where to begin. "Uh, you remember... When we were leaving Indiana-" Dean tensed up, but Sam continued. "-and Dad, um..." He could tell this wouldn't be easy for his brother, but still, he powered through. "Well, he... He called you a...a-"

"A faggot?"

Sam swallowed and looked at his brother. Dean was clearly trying to hide his emotions, but Sam could always read right through his poker face. Dean was avoiding looking at his little brother, and he had paused his research to instead twist a loose thread from the motel duvet between his fingers.

"Uh... Yes. I just wanted to know... Wha-what does that mean?" Sam stared expectantly. Dean was silent for a moment, and then-

"It's what I am." There was a thin layer of salty water glazing over Dean's eyes, and Sam suddenly felt extremely guilty for asking.

"Oh," he said lamely, not really sure what else he could say.

"You see, Sammy," Dean began, standing up from his bed and rubbing his face with his hands. "A fag is a dude who... Who likes kissing other dudes."

"Oh," Sam said again, this time a little more cheerily. _Well,_ Sam thought, _that can't be_ that _bad, right? That's not a big deal._

"And... Dudes who like other dudes are... Well, they're freaks." Dean's voice cracked on the last word. Sam's heart dropped. Dean continued. "They're not people you want to talk to, or-or associate with. They're... Being a fag is something that..." He trailed off and rubbed his eyes again. Sam felt his own eyes well up. He hated seeing his brother like this. "Something that needs to be punished. Or, at least... That's how Dad sees it," Dean finished, sitting back down on his bed. 

Sam stared at his brother with wide eyes. He couldn't comprehend how being a boy who likes kissing boys could be a bad thing. He'd seen people like that on TV, he'd seen them at school... This wasn't a new thing, he couldn't understand why their dad had reacted so poorly. 

Sam didn't say any of that out loud, though perhaps he should have. He just watched as the older Winchester boy desperately tried to dry his face, which proved useless due to the tears that kept falling. Dean took a deep, raspy breath, and gave Sam a watery smile.

"But, it's okay, Sammy, don't you worry about me or anything, I'll be fine. Dad, he... He's right, and I-I've gotta get better, but I promise you that... As long as I live, you will never have to deal with any of this," Dean stammered. Sam just stared. "You got that?" Dean's voice cracked again and still more tears dripped down his cheeks. 

Sam stood up from his own bed, crossed the room, and wrapped his arms around his brothers neck. Dean let out a small sob, smiled, and patted Sam on the back. "It's okay, Sammy, it's gonna be okay."

"I don't care if you like kissing boys, Dean," Sam said into Dean's shoulder. "I still love you, even if... Even if Dad doesn't."

Dean's smile widened and he pulled Sam around to hug him properly.

"Thanks, Sammy."

~~~

Not too long after that, Dean told Sam to go to bed, and Sam obliged happily, falling asleep instantly after putting his head to his pillow.

It was nearing 2:00 in the morning, so Dean didn't expect John to return for at least another hour or so. He pulled out his phone and read through his most recent messages.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 21 -- 5:18 pm  
_ **Message:** _SAT scores came out today. Kevin Tran, of course, got fucking 2350. Cas got something like 2130 and I got 1970. Not bad, right, Winchester?_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 23 -- 9:45 am  
_ **Message:** _Me, Cas, and Kevin are going mini golfing today. I wish you could join us, we could use a fourth._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 25 -- 3:36 am  
_ **Message:** _It's been months since we spoke. I miss you, Dean, I miss you a lot. I hope your dad's not giving you too much crap. I know Charlie's been sending you updates, but I really wish you'd answer sometime. I know we only knew each other for three weeks, but it's... Not the same without you around._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 25 -- 3:38 am  
_ **Message:** _That was disgustingly corny, I know, I'm sorry, but it's 3:40 in the morning and I'm in Charlie's living room. She passed out on the couch. We were playing Mario Kart. I'm not tired._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 25 -- 3:44 am  
_ **Message:** _Just... You'll tell me if things get really bad, right? I'll do whatever I can to keep you safe, Dean. Talk soon._

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Date/Time:** _August 29 -- 10:23 am  
_ **Message:** _We're starting school tomorrow, ugh. Wish you were here._

Dean smiled at his phone for several minutes. He glanced at out the window and listened for the Impala. Not hearing anything, he kicked off his boots, climbed into his bed, put himself into a position where he could easily hide his phone should John burst through the door unexpectedly, and opened a new message.

**To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:08 am  
_ **Message:** _You wanted to make sure I'm okay. I am. Have fun at school tomorrow. And congrats on your SAT score. I wasn't really sure if 2130 was good, but I looked it up, and apparently it's like, crazy good, so... I'm proud of you. Talk to you soon._

Dean locked his phone, stuffed it under his pillow and listened again for the Impala. After a few minutes, he pulled it back out again, and his stomach flipped when he saw that he already had a response.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:11 am  
_ **Message:** _First, fuck you very much for keeping Charlie and I in a constant state of worry all summer. Second, thank God you're okay, Charlie was about to hack into your phone's GPS tracker to find you... Girl's good with a computer. Third, I don't think I could possibly have fun in school knowing that you're still somewhere in the country with your dad. I don't think you understand how literally impossible that it._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:15 am  
_ **Message:** _Sweetie, I promise you... I'm okay. I'm going to find a way out, I just... I can't abandon Sammy._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _2:19 am  
_ **Message:** _Do it soon. Please. Also... You just called me 'sweetie.'_

Dean smiled and let out a quiet chuckle. He'd forgotten how incredible Cas was. He had no idea how he'd forgotten so soon, but, lo and behold, he had. His smile radiated from his face, and he had almost forgotten why he'd felt so upset earlier 

Almost.

At that very moment, the Impala roared into the motel parking lot. Heart racing, Dean locked his phone, stuffed it in his pillow case, and shut his eyes, hoping he could pass off pretending to be asleep. John kicked the door open loudly, slammed it shut, moved across the room and collapsed, drunkenly, on the sofa next to Sam's bed. Dean forced his heart beat to return to its proper speed, but he didn't dare try and pull his phone out to answer Cas. He just shut his eyes, and stayed awake with his thoughts for the rest of the night.

Well, his thought. There was only one floating around in his mind. 

He hadn't lied to Cas. He was going to get out. He just needed a plan.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! You're all beautiful butterflies :)


	5. Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst fans: you'll like this one.  
> Fluff fans: you'll like this one.  
> Bobby fans: you'll like the one.
> 
> Enjoy!!

_"I know this hurts, it was meant to (it was meant to)  
_ _Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one  
_ _And it's mind over you don't, don't matter"_  


~ _September 15~_  

"Dean, get up."

Dean jerked awake at his father's gravelly voice and brought his hands up to rub his eyes.

"Get your ass out of bed, we've gotta get going!"

Dean groaned and rolled off his bed. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table-- 8:25 am-- and ran his hands through his bed head. Yawning, he dragged himself into the bathroom to brush his teeth and yank a comb through his hair.

It's been a while since Dean had had a proper night's sleep. He was constantly having his dreams interrupted by his dad forcing him into reality to go to another motel in a different state. They had gotten into North Dakota three days ago, and Dean and Sam hadn't gone to school because they were heading off to-- actually, as Dean thought about it, he had no idea where they were going next.

_Bang, bang, bang!_

Dean jumped and hit his head on a shelf on the wall next to the bathroom sink.

"We gotta go! Come on, Princess, get your ass in the car!" John called through the door. Dean rubbed the bump that was reforming on his head and took a deep breath. He had been feeling rather fragile recently, and even stupid things like his dad yelling at him to hurry up could trigger a distressing array of emotions which could last from anywhere between thirty seconds and a day and a half. He refused to let himself get upset at something so tedious, so closed his eyes and breathed for a moment before going to the car.

When he finally exited the bathroom, the room was completely devoid of his family's belongings, apart from his own jeans and boots that were lying on the floor next to the bed. He slipped his legs through the denim, tied his boots around his feet, and began to leave, before he remembered his phone in the pillowcase.

He was tempted to leave it there, which would completely eliminate his contact with the only two friends he had ever made. He spent a lot of his time wishing he had never met them. He knew they would certainly be better off.

Still, when John honked the Impala's horn from outside, Dean blinked out of his trance, darted to the bed, fished around inside the pillowcase, and pocketed his phone before sprinting from the room and slamming the door behind him.

~~~

He didn't ask where they were going. He knew his dad didn't like that. He watched the street signs as they passed, and he worked out that they were headed south. He sighedquiet enough that John wouldn't hear him and leaned back in the passenger seat of the old car. Being in North Dakota, south was practically all there was. He shut his eyes. It was going to be a long drive.

Or so he thought.

Not three hours later, the three Winchesters pulled off the highway and down a series of side roads. Dean recognized his surroundings and it suddenly clicked in his brain where they were going. His stomach tightened-- they were going to see someone who, apart from John, Dean had always seen as a father. He couldn't help but think that John had probably told him what Dean had done. If John reacted the way he did, how the hell would it go with--

"Uncle Bobby's? Is that where we're going?" Sam piped up from the back seat.

"You just say in the car, Sammy," John answered his younger son. "We're only stopping by to drop something off, then we're leaving. No time for chat."

Dean felt a wave of relief sweep over him. If they were only stopping for a bit, chances are Bobby had no idea what had happened. Which was good-- Dean had suffered countless beat downs from John, but they very thought of Bobby acting similarly made Dean crumble.

The Impala rolled to a stop outside a run down house next to a large garage with a hand-painted sign reading, "Singer Auto." Dean had so many fond memories of this place. Playing board games with Sam on Bobby's living room rug; telling Bobby jokes about what happened when the chicken crossed the road, and Bobby laughing heartily holding a glass of whiskey; teaching Sam how to ride a bike when he hardly knew himself... Going to Uncle Bobby's house had always been a relief for Dean. In fact, whenever he heard the term "happy childhood," his mind would always flick back to the weeks he'd spent here with his brother and his favorite uncle. 

But it had been years since they'd been here. Bobby and John had had an explosive argument the last time they saw each other and they hadn't been back since. Dean suddenly felt the urge to run and give Bobby a hug like he did when he was little, but he very quickly remembered the several thousand reasons why that would be a genuinely terrible idea. So instead, he sank lower into his seat so that he could just barely peer out the car window at Bobby's front door. 

John clamored out of Impala and walked towards the house as Sam and Dean watched from the car. He knocked on the door, waited for a few seconds, then was greeted by a hug from a shorter, pot-bellied man with a scruffy beard and a shredded baseball hat. 

Dean lowered himself further into his seat, trying to see what was happening without looking at Bobby straight in the eyes. He prayed that they would be on their way soon, but to his horror, John turned and walked back towards the car with Bobby right behind him. They were headed for the passenger door. Dean inhaled sharply and begged and pleaded with any god that was listening to help him get out of this situation. His prayers were ignored, and John opened the door violently.

"Get out," John said harshly. Dean swallowed hard and slowly climbed out of the Impala. Avoiding his uncle's stare, he move out of the way so John could close the door. He twisted his fingers together and glanced at Sam in the back seat. The younger Winchester had his face pressed against the glass and his hand was waving rapidly at Bobby.

"Hi, Uncle Bobby!" 

Bobby wiggled his fingers and smiled briefly before turning back to face John and Dean. Dean looked away and focused all of his attention on the dirt caked under his nails.

"You're going to stay here for a little while," John said, his voice a bit calmer than it had been before. Dean felt a lump in the back of his throat. _Oh no,_ he thought, coming to the conclusion that John had told Bobby... Everything.

"I know I haven't been... The best father recently, but I'm doing what I can do." Dean swallowed again. He almost protested, but decided against it. He was outnumbered. Any attempts to retaliate would result in him lying on the ground again.

"You're sick, son," John said softly, triggering tears in Dean's eyes. "And maybe... Maybe that's a little my fault, so you're going to stay here with Uncle Bobby until you're better. You understand why I can't let you be around Sam right now-" Dean felt like he was going to throw up. "-so I'm going to take him with me down the Tennessee to hunt a tulpa I've been tracking. Then we'll come back and check in on you. Okay?" John smiled sadly, which looked completely alien on his face. Dean nodded. He knew what was going to happen next. He knew he couldn't bare being beaten senseless by his uncle until he no longer felt the need to kiss other boys... But he knew it was coming.

"Get your stuff and go inside. I want to talk to your dad for a minute," Bobby growled. Dean smelled the familiar whiskey on his breath.

Dean turned and opened the door to the backseat to get his duffle bag.

"What's going on?" Sam asked when Dean reached over him to his bag. "What's happening? Are you going somewhere?" Dean paused and turned his head to face his nervous little brother.

"I'm uh, I'm gonna stay here for a little while," Dean said quietly so only Sam could hear him. "Uncle Bobby's going to, um... He's going to make me better. You be good, Sammy. Do what Dad says." He tried to pull back from the car, but Sam stopped him by grabbing hold of his arm. He had tears welling in his eyes.

"No, please don't go, Dean," Sam cried softly. "I don't want to be alone with Dad."

Dean smiled sadly. "I'd be worried if you did, Sammy. But there's nothing I can do right now." He sighed. Sam looked as though he was about to start bawling. "I'm going to be back, okay? I promise. Just do anything Dad tells you and you'll be fine. If you want to talk, just call me. And if Dad starts getting rough with you-" Dean clenched his fists and lowered his voice. "-call the police. Don't even hesitate. Just do it. Okay? Do you promise?" Sam nodded, water dripping from his eyes and down his cheeks. Dean reached out and ruffled his hair. "Good. I'll see you 'round, Sammy."

Dean dragged his duffle bag out of the car and shut the door on his brother's sad face. He felt guilt bubbling in his stomach, but he didn't turn back as he made his way through the front door of Bobby's house.

It looked exactly the same as it did the last time Dean was there. Other than some more clutter and more recent newspapers littered around the living room, everything else had gone unchanged. Bobby's desk was still covered in books and translation guides and a half-empty whiskey bottle was balanced on the arm of the squishy chair behind the desk. Dean took a deep breath and smelled the mix of alcoholism and car oil he'd always associate with Bobby, and he couldn't help but smile. 

That smile quickly faded when he remembered why he was there. He suddenly had a shot of adrenaline swimming through his veins and he raced over to the old fire place and picked up one of the iron pokers. He knew that Bobby had these in case of ghosts. He also knew that, should he have to defend himself, he could do it with these.

He dumped his bag on the ground next to his feet and held the rod up to his head like a baseball bat. He couldn't see out the window because the curtains were drawn, but after a few moments, he heard his dad's car roar to life and drive away, indicating that Bobby would be back inside any moment. Dean held his breath.

Bobby stepped through the front door and into the living room, and Dean held the rod up threateningly.

"I... I really, I don't want to h-hit you, Bobby, but... But I will," Dean warned, his arms shaking and his heart pounding. He was ready for an all-out brawl with his uncle. So he was surprised when Bobby smiled kindly.

"Dean, you're not going to need that. I'm not going to hurt you. I want to help you."

Dean let out an exasperated laugh. "Help me? You're not going to help me, you're going to try and... And rip the gay out of me!"

Bobby's smile faded and he took a step forward. Dean held the rod up and Bobby slowly raised his hands in surrender.

"Dean... Your daddy just wants the best for you." 

Dean scoffed. "No, he wants the best for Sam. And the best for Sam is to keep him away from freaks like me."

Bobby lowered his hands and stared at Dean. Dean felt guilt rushing through him, and he wanted to break down and cry, but he remained stable, rod in the air.

"Dean, you ain't here so I can 'rip the gay out of you,'" Bobby sighed. Dean relaxed a little bit, but didn't sway from his fighting stance.

"What?" 

"Your daddy called me and asked if I could help you. I told him I would always help you boys, despite the ending of my last encounter with him. He told me about your few weeks in Indiana-" Dean clenched his jaw. "-and he told me what happened when you were leaving."

"So?" Dean demanded, tears starting to drip down his cheekbones. "So what?"

Bobby smiled again. "I lied to your daddy. I almost told him how full of shit he was for how he's been treating you, but I knew I wouldn't be able to help you if I did that." Dean began lowering his arms. "I told him to bring you here and I would 'cure' you. So I am. But I'm not gonna cure you of being into guys, Dean, did you really think I'd care about that? I'm gonna cure you of the disease known as 'John Winchester.' Looks like you've got a pretty bad case of it."

Dean dropped his arms and stood up straight, tears still streaming from his eyes. He dropped the rod and it hit the floor with a clang. He stared at his uncle for a long time. He wasn't really sure how to respond to that. He just stood.

"I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, Dean," Bobby said, still keeping his distance in case Dean tried to go at him with the rod. "I mean, my father was a drunken ass, so I know what that's like... But I never expected John to act this way to his own son. It doesn't seem like it, I know, but he loves you boys. More than anything. He just wants what's best for you."

"If he loved me, why did he do this? Why did he hit me?" Dean croaked. His vision was blurred and he felt light-headed, and he suddenly realized it had been at least 24 hours since he last ate. He wasn't feeling very hungry, just... Empty. 

Bobby stepped forward. Dean flinched, but didn't move away. "John is a moron. He wouldn't know good parenting if it hit him in the face with a bat."

"Don't you talk about my father like that," Dean stammered.

"You're defending him?" 

"NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY FATHER LIKE THAT!" Dean roared, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. "NO ONE! You don't understand, Bobby! You don't know what it's like to-" Dean cut himself off. He couldn't finish his sentence. He dissolved into a pool of tears and his sobs made his limbs feel weak. His legs collapsed beneath him, and when he hit the ground, he just cried. He wailed like a child. He felt like a child. He wished Bobby would disappear. He wished the whole world would disappear. He wished he could take a gun to his father's head, but he didn't have the guts to do something like that. He tried to stop crying, but his breath was short, he was sweating all over, and he felt like his lungs were about to burst.

"You're right, Dean. I don't know what it's like-"

"You can't talk about him like that!" Dean howled. "H-he'll come back f-for me a-and h-h-hit me again and again a-and I c-- I CAN'T DO THIS!" Dean pounded his fists on the floor and sobbed so much his brain felt like it had melted into his skull.

"He won't, Dean," Bobby said calmly, taking a step forward. "I am never-" he crouched next to the boy on the floor. "- _ever_ letting that man near you again. You're safe, Dean. You're safe here. Your dad can't get you. As long as you're with me, you're perfectly safe. I promise."

Dean tried to reduce his breathing to its normal pace, but found it difficult. "W-what about S-sammy?" He stuttered quietly.

"Has John ever hit Sam?" Bobby asked, frowning. Dean shook his head- which he immediately regretted, as he had a pounding headache.

"I n-never let him near him."

Bobby reached out and laid a hand gingerly on Dean's shoulder. Dean flinched again, so Bobby removed his hand, then slowly put it back. He didn't flinch the second time. 

"Well I ain't letting you take the beating for him anymore. And I sure as hell ain't letting him get beat, too. You boys aren't safe with him."

"But you let him go with Sam s-still in the c-car." Dean was getting exasperated again, so Bobby rubbed his hand over Dean's leather-clad shoulder.

"Did you think I didn't have a plan for your brother? Who are you talking to, Dean, I ain't your daddy. I have a brain and I know how to use it."

Dean tried to chuckle softly but hiccuped instead. His heart rate was slowing down and his eyes were drying, but burning hot. He pushed himself off the floor slowly, and sat next to Bobby, rubbing his head.

"Thanks, Bobby."

Bobby smiled. "Any time, kid. Now go upstairs and get some rest, I made up the guest bed for you. I doubt you've had a good night's sleep in a long time, so you're getting one now. Go," he shooed. Dean smiled and gradually stood up, picked up his bag, made his way up the stairs to the guest room, and collapsed on the bed-- asleep before his head hit the pillow.

~~~

When he woke up, he had forgotten where he was. He assumed he was in a motel room-- but this bed was far too comfortable to be from a motel room. Then the gears clicked in his brain and yesterday's events came pouring back into his mind. He was at Bobby's house. And he was safe.

He laid on his bed for a while, staring at the ceiling. Then he remembered that he could use his cellphone now and he wouldn't have to hide it. Relieved that it was still in his pocket, he fished it out and opened his inbox.

3 new messages.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _September 15 --_ _8:02 pm  
_ **Message:** _I wish I could see you again. I know these conversations are usually pretty one-sided, but I know you're reading our messages. Please tell me I can see you again soon._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _September 15 --_ _11:48 pm  
_ **Message:** _I don't think you quite understand me, Dean. I miss you. I miss you so much. And all I want is you here with me. I can't focus in class, I can't do my homework, I've just been spending all of my time playing video games trying to distract myself, but I can't. I'm probably being really selfish right now, I should be more concerned with how you're doing._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _September 15 --_ _11:53 pm  
_ **Message:** _How are you doing?_

Dean stared at his phone and smiled. 

**To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:06 am  
_ **Message:** _I'm okay, baby. I really am. And I miss you, too. I don't know when we'll see each other again, but I'll do my best. By the way, I never asked- when's your birthday?_

That was when Dean noticed the time. He must have slept all day. He figured Bobby wouldn't be up so he made the decision to lay in bed until the sun came up. Then his phone buzzed.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:08 am  
_ **Message:** _Wow, something good must have happened. Hope it wasn't another guy... And it's September 28th, why'd you ask?_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:08 am  
_ **Message:** _Also, 'baby'???_

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:09 am  
_ **Message:** _You shouldn't be up so late, you have school tomorrow. I wouldn't have texted you if I'd noticed the time. Go to sleep._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:11 am  
_ **Message:** _Do I once again have to point out that you are also awake? I'm glad you're doing well, Dean, but one does wonder how a person's attitude towards life changes so abruptly._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:13 am  
_ **Message:** _All will be explained soon. Go to sleep. God, Cas, you're always awake at unearthly hours, do you even sleep ever?_

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:14 am  
_ **Message:** _Not really. Don't have to. Not tired._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:16 am  
_ **Message:** _You're full of shit, Blue Eyes._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:16 am  
_ **Message:** _Could say the same thing about you, Green Eyes._

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:17 am  
_ **Message:** _Alright, that's enough, stop flirting with me and go to sleep._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:17 am  
_ **Message:** _;)_

 **To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:17 am  
_ **Message:** _Goodnight, Castiel Novak._

 **From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _3:18 am  
_ **Message:** _Goodnight, Dean Winchester._

Dean smiled happily at the words on his screen and felt a joyous warmth fill his heart. He knew how his dad would react if he found out he was still texting Cas, but for the first time... He just didn't care. He didn't know if it was because of Bobby, or because of Cas, or even because of Sammy, or a mix of all three, but he knew, for certain, that he was, truly, for the first time in a long time, okay.

Not great, but okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting pretty good about updates, I think I might actually be able to finish this fic for once.
> 
> Anyway, the next chapter is already almost done, so you can expect that in a few days. Thank you so much for reading, I love you all dearly <3


	6. Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late, guys, I've had a lot going on.
> 
> But this chapter is extremely positive and fluffy, so I think you're going to like it!

**_"_ ** _There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up  
_ _And another around to help us bend your trust  
_ _I've got a sunset in my veins  
_ _And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay."_  


As the sun peeked through the room's thin, moth-eaten curtains, Dean yawned widely and rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands. He decided it would be reasonable to get up now, so he swung his legs off the bed, and walked downstairs towards the kitchen, floorboards creaking with every step.

He opened the fridge, and was not surprised to see that it was mostly beer. There was, however, an unopened carton of milk, which he decided Bobby had purchased for his benefit. He looked to the left of the fridge to Bobby's cereal collection. It was mostly bran and cornflakes and variations of Cheerios, but there was also an unopened box of Lucky Charms. Dean smiled. That was his favorite cereal when he was a kid. Bobby had remembered. 

He fixed himself a bowl of Lucky Charms, carried it into the living room, clicked on the television, and sat down in front of it. He switched it to the children's cartoon station, and as it was playing an _Arthur_ rerun, he watched it and chewed his cereal, feeling like he was a little kid again.

After another bowl of Lucky Charms and three more episodes of _Arthur_ , Dean looked up to see Bobby creaking down the stairs, fully dressed.

"Mornin'," he said to Dean as he headed into the kitchen.

"Morning," Dean smiled back. He had always been fond of Bobby, but after yesterday, he had a brand new appreciation for him.

"So," Bobby said a few minutes later as he sat down in his arm chair holding a mug of coffee. "I'm glad to see you're making yourself at home, but we do need to talk about everything at some point."

Dean froze and his smile faded. "Define 'everything.'"

"You know what I mean by 'everything,' son," Bobby answered, sipping his coffee. "We need to talk about your dad, and we need to talk about that boy you were kissin' in Indiana."

Dean became uncomfortable hearing Bobby talk about that so calmly. Then again, Bobby never really did have much in the way of a filter, and Dean had always appreciated how up-front he'd always been. 

"What about him?" Dean asked after a moment.

"Well, for starters, a name would be nice."

"His name is Cas," Dean answered, realizing it was the first time in almost five months he had said that name out loud.

"Cas," Bobby repeated, nodding. "Okay. Tell me about Cas."

Dean stared at his uncle. He wasn't quite sure where this conversation was heading, and he wasn't entirely ready to find out. "Um... Well... I met him a-and this girl, Charlie, on my first day at school." Bobby nodded, and Dean continued. "They uh, sort of, took me in and I hung out with them after school and sat with them at lunch and... That sort of thing."

"Okay. Good. It's good that you finally made some friends, kid. But that still don't explain why you were kissin' Cas." 

Dean swallowed. "Well... It's kind of a... A long story." 

"So's the bible, don't stop people from readin' it. I'm all ears."

And so Dean recounted the story of how he finally came to terms with his sexuality after years of denying himself the simple pleasure of having another boy's tongue in his mouth. (It should be noted that those were not his exact words...) He told Bobby about the movie theater trips and the 'study' session with Cas, and for some reason, all these stories just flowed from his mouth, as though his brain had shifted into auto pilot and didn't really care what Bobby knew at this point.

Bobby sat and listened patiently until Dean finished his story. When it was over, Dean was close to tears again. Talking about Cas and Charlie and Kevin Tran: Advanced Placement made him realize exactly how much he missed them. He rubbed his eyes and sighed heavily.

"So, that's it. I just wish I could see them again... But Dad would never let that happen."

"Well, son, it may have escaped your notice," Bobby began, standing up to head back into the kitchen. "But your daddy ain't here."

~~~

A few days later, Dean was finally settled in with Bobby, and finally starting to feel better about himself. His dad had called on the third night to ask how it was going, and Dean tried not to laugh while Bobby explained to John that this was going to take a lot longer than they'd originally expected, while making stupid faces at the phone. Dean still had a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever John's name came up in conversation during the day, but he generally managed to push the feeling aside and focus on what was going well in his life.

Bobby was teaching him all the life skills John had never really bothered to teach him. Things like how to fix a drain pipe and how to repair a car engine. In fact, Dean spent a lot of his time outside in Bobby's lot, working on cars, trying to make the previously totaled cars usable again. He really enjoyed doing it, and Bobby suggested he look into becoming a mechanic.

"But I've gotta hunt, Bobby," Dean called to his uncle from underneath an old minivan. "Dad has spent my entire life teaching me how to hunt, there's no way I can get out of this."

"Dean, you can do whatever you want to do," Bobby answered crouching down next to the car so he could look at Dean. "Your daddy don't control your life. You don't wanna be a hunter, then don't be a hunter. I've never liked that you know more about how to shoot a gun than you do about how to be a kid."

Dean sighed. "But I can't just live a normal life knowing about all the horrible crap that's out there, Bobby. I couldn't be sitting around fixing cars if I knew about the werewolves and tulpas and shapeshifters out there, could I?"

"Okay, fine," Bobby frowned. "Humor me. If you could be doing anything, anything at all, right now, what would it be?"

Dean considered this for a moment. He thought about Cas and Charlie and Kevin Tran... He thought about how much he wished he could have them all together, happy and safe.

"I'd be with Cas and Charlie... Far away," Dean thought out loud. "Sam, too. Some place... Some place away from Dad. I want Sam to go to college and get married and have kids, and I want to... I want to see Cas again."

"Well," Bobby said, before Dean could go into details about what he wanted to do with Cas. "I don't know what the future holds for Sam, but Cas is only a day's drive away. I'll take you to see him any time you want."

Dean froze, his hands hovering just beneath the van's engine. His heart pounded excitedly. He could go see Cas. He hadn't even really considered that. He knew he would see him again some day, but... So soon? 

"I... Really?" He muttered, more to himself than to Bobby. Dean rolled himself out from under the van and stood up straight, wiping the dirt off his hands onto his jeans. "I mean... Really?"

Bobby smiled. "If that's what you want, Dean. You gotta remember, son, I'm not your daddy. I ain't gonna make you do something you don't wanna do, and I ain't gonna stop you from doin' things you do wanna do. You wanna go see Cas, just let me know."

Bobby turned to walk back into the house, but Dean stopped him. 

"Wait, uh..." Dean started, his mind thinking very fast, remembering his last conversation with Cas, when he had asked, on a whim, when his birthday was. "Um... Could we maybe... Go on the 28th?" He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Sure thing, kiddo," Bobby smiled again, then he turned and went back inside to make dinner. 

Dean stood by himself in the garage, twisting an old rag in his hands, feeling as though his heart was about to burst. He had never felt so excited. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked open Cas' most recent message, one that had arrived last night. 

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _September 21, 9:54 pm  
_ **Message:** _Please come home soon._

Dean smiled and typed in a reply, getting happier and happier every second.

**To:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Time:** _7:13 pm  
_ **Message:** _Happy birthday, baby._

~~~

Dean was anxious. Butterflies were having a war in his stomach and his mind was buzzing. He had never been more excited or more anxious than he was right now.

He and Bobby had spent a week forming a plan, and on the morning of September 27th, the day before Castiel's seventeenth birthday, Dean loaded his belongings into Bobby's truck, and they took off to Indiana. 

Cas had answered Dean's last text with a series of question marks, and Dean had come to the conclusion that Cas hadn't gotten the hint. He didn't know that Dean was coming. He might have a hunch, but he didn't know for sure.

After nearly twelve hours of driving with his uncle, chatting about the last 4 years when they hadn't seen each other, they pulled into the same motel parking lot where Dean had last seen his friends.

Dean went rigid in his seat and stared at the spot where his last moments with Cas had happened. He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe and he pictured John's face when he had yelled at him. His father's voice boomed through his head, _"I DID NOT RAISE MY SON TO BE A FAGGOT!"_

Bobby reached over and put his hand on Dean's shoulder, reminding him that John was no where near him. "We'll find somewhere else, don't worry, Dean. Your dad's not here." Dean relaxed a bit, but couldn't breathe properly until they were completely out of eyeshot of that motel. Bobby drove his pick-up truck around the corner and found a slightly more up-scale hotel, and they checked Dean into a room.

"Okay, I gotta get back home now, Rufus is annoyed that I'm not there to run phones," Bobby said as he helped Dean drag his things down the hallway to his room. "You sure you're gonna be alright?"

Dean looked at his surrogate father and smiled. "Yeah, I think I will. Thanks so much for everything, Bobby."

Bobby stepped over and pulled Dean into a tight hug. "You check in with me every night and let me know if you need anything."

"I will, Bobby, thank you."

Bobby released Dean and started walking towards the door, but again, Dean stopped him.

"Uh... What if... What if Dad shows up?" 

Bobby swiveled back around and smiled at Dean. "He won't, son. Don't you worry about your daddy, I'll take care of him. You just worry about you. Alright?"

Dean nodded and smiled back, just a little. "Alright."

~~~

Cas yawned for the ninth time in five minutes. It was his seventeenth birthday. His brother Gabriel had woken him up at 5:00 in the morning to sing him an operatic version of "Dancing Queen" from _Mamma Mia!_ This was a tradition- one that Cas was far from fond of. Every year, Gabriel would wake Cas up at some un-Godly hour and sing him a song that related to the age he was turning. Last year, it was "Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen." 

Anyway, Cas was sitting with Charlie in English class, trying not to fall asleep. Charlie had been spending the morning trying to get him pumped up and excited that it was his birthday, but he just wasn't feeling it. That last text from Dean was all he could think about. Not only because it didn't make a lot of sense, and Cas was clearly missing something, but also because it made him realize just how much he missed him. He should have been used to it by now, but some part of him wanted to believe that Dean would magically appear because it's his birthday. He was forcing himself not to think that way, knowing full well it would only lead to disappointment.

"C'mon, Cas, you're seventeen! We can go see R-rated movies now!" Charlie said enthusiastically.

"You can't, you're only sixteen," Cas reminded her while trying to hold back yet another yawn.

Charlie frowned. "Okay, what's the matter?"

"Nothing," Cas said, honestly. Nothing was the matter. He always felt this way, he just usually didn't let it show this much.

"You're such a liar, something's bothering you." Charlie placed her hand on Cas' gingerly, and stroked it with her thumb. "C'mon, Cas, you know if you have a problem you can tell me. Is it about school? Are you just pissed about Gabriel waking you up again? Or... Is it a guy? What is it?"

Cas looked at Charlie's concerned face and smiled sadly. "I think you already know what's wrong," he said quietly. 

Charlie blinked at him. "Is this about Dean?" 

Cas looked down at their hands to avoid eye contact. Then Charlie stood up and wrapped herself around him and stroked his back.

"I know you miss him. I miss him, too. But he's been gone for months, we have to let him go. Especially since we only knew him for three weeks."

"No, it's not just that, it's... Okay, I didn't tell you this, but last week, Dean texted me in the middle of the night to ask me when my birthday was," he said as Charlie pulled away from him. "And then, a few days ago, he texted me again saying 'happy birthday.' I don't know why he has to be so cryptic. It's just... I don't know, part of me wants to believe that he'll show up today, but the rest of me knows that... That's a stupid thing to wish for." 

"Well, the day's still young. Maybe he will," Charlie reassured him, smiling. Cas let out a soft chuckle.

"Charlie, we've barely heard from him in five months, why would he just suddenly return?"

Charlie shrugged. "People do crazy things."

~~~

Halfway through third period, Charlie's phone buzzed. Cas watched as she pulled it out and her mouth fell open slightly. 

"What? What is it?" He asked, leaning towards her to see the phone. Charlie pulled it away and covered the screen with her hand.

"I... Okay, now don't freak out or anything," she said, clearly trying not to smile.

"What?"

She giggled. "Well... That was a text from Dean."

Cas' heart leapt. "What did it say?"

Charlie smiled and held out the phone.

**From:** _Dean Winchester  
_ **Time:** _10:19 am  
_ **Message:** _What class are you in right now?_

Cas swallowed hard and pulled out his own phone. Dean hadn't texted him...

"Well, answer it, quick!" He said, shoving the phone back into Charlie's shaking hands. She quickly typed out a response, and seconds later, her phone buzzed again.

**To:** _Dean Winchester  
_ **Time:** _10:20 am  
_ **Message:** _Computer Science in the lab... Why?_

 **From:** _Dean Winchester  
_ **Time:** _10:21 am  
_ **Message:** _Is Cas there?_

Cas' heart beat even faster.

**To:** _Dean Winchester  
_ **Time:** _10:21 am  
_ **Message:** _Yes... Why?_

"You... You don't think he's actually..." Cas stammered. Charlie was grinning widely and proudly.

"I think he might be!" She squeaked excitedly. Cas turned to face his computer, putting his back to the door of the lab. His mind was whirling and his palms were sweating. _No, he's not here, he can't be here, he'd never come back,_ he thought to himself. Those thoughts bounced around his mind at a million miles an hour. He focused his attention on Charlie's leg, which was jiggling so fast it was blurry. She was obviously nervous and excited, as well. 

A full minute of silence later, Charlie's phone buzzed again. Cas stared at it while she picked it up and clicked open her message. Her eyes widened as she read, and her head suddenly snapped up and she looked directly at the door. 

"What? What does it say?" Cas demanded, forcing the phone out of Charlie's grip. He already knew what it was going to say, but he had to read it to be sure.

**From:** _Dean Winchester  
_ **Time:** _10:23 am  
_ **Message:** _Turn around._

Cas glanced at Charlie. She was staring blankly in the direction of the door, but she wasn't moving. She seemed to be momentarily stunned. Cas took his time, but slowly... He turned his head to face the door.

Dean's face beamed down at him through the window panel next to the door. He was smiling softly, seemingly just as stunned as Charlie. But Cas was having none of that. The moment he made eye contact with Dean, he launched himself out of his chair, sprinted to the door of the lab, swung it open, and threw himself at the boy standing in the hallway.

Dean's arms locked around Cas' middle, and Cas buried his face in Dean's shoulder. His heart felt as though it was about to spring out of his chest. He had never been more happy to see anyone in his entire life. He felt Dean take a deep breath and let it out slowly, and they stood there in the science wing, just breathing each other in.

"Oh my God," Cas gasped into Dean's ear. "Oh my God, I can't... You're... Oh my God." He could hardly breathe. 

Dean kept one hand wrapped around Cas' waist, and rubbed the other one up and down his back. "Oh, you have no idea, Cas."

Cas got a tingle down his spine when Dean said his name. After several moments of standing and hugging, Cas pulled back and looked Dean straight in the eye.

"I have missed you... So much," he stammered through tears. Dean reached up and wiped the moisture from Cas' cheek.

"I've missed you, too, Cas," Dean answered quietly. "More than you could believe."

"I just... I-I had a feeling... But I didn't want to believe it," Cas cried, gripping Dean's wrists tightly, as though he was worried that if he let go, Dean might leave again.

"Dean?" A voice came from behind Cas, who had completely forgotten that he was in school. He turned around to see Charlie standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Charlie," Dean smiled at the red head. He stepped past Cas and took Charlie up into his arms and swung her around. Charlie giggled.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Charlie laughed as Dean put her down again.

"Well, it's kind of an important day, isn't it?" Dean turned to look at Cas, and grinned from ear to ear. "Happy birthday, Blue Eyes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! The next chapter will be up soon!


	7. Homesick At Space Camp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter, but I really enjoyed writing it and there's a lot of fluff in it, so I think you'll like it. <3

_"These friends are, new friends are golden."  
_

Dean's grin didn't fade once.  _  
_

Charlie's entire face glowed brightly, brilliantly illustrating exactly how every single one of them felt.

Castiel refused to let go of Dean's hand, worried that if he did, he might go away again.

The three of them spent the afternoon of Castiel's birthday catching up with each other on what had been going on in their lives. Dean told them the story of how he ended up living with Bobby, and how well Bobby had treated him, which made Charlie beam.

"I'm just really glad to know someone was looking out for you," she smiled, patting Dean's hand from across the table at the coffee shop. Dean grinned.

"Yeah... I mean, I keep calling him my uncle, but he's not actually. He's just an old friend of my dad's... He's always been really good to us."

"Speaking of your dad," Charlie said, lowering her voice and leaning forward. Dean swallowed. He had been waiting for this conversation. "Are you sure you're alright? Like, has he hit you again?"

Dean's persistent smile faded slightly, but he kept his voice cheerful. "No, he hasn't, Charlie." Lie. Of course he had. He always has. "I'm perfectly fine, I've never been better." True, but also not. He was happy in that moment, but all together? Ha, fuck no.

Charlie frowned. "Are you sure? Because, you know, we can talk about it if you want."

Dean looked down at his and Charlie's hands on the table. His smile was a hundred miles away now. He really didn't want to talk about it.

"No, I just... Not right now, okay? It's not the right time."

Charlie looked disappointed. "Oh... Well, whenever you're ready."

Dean forced a smile again. He had expected one of them to ask, and he expected both of them to be curious, but he really didn't want to think about it right now. After all, it was Cas' birthday. It was a time for celebration.

But Charlie wasn't really interested in dropping it. She would periodically try to bring it up throughout the day, but luckily, Cas would always shoot her a look and she'd shut up.

Cas was being really good about it. He would watch Dean's face whenever Charlie hinted that she was about to ask again. He would watch it fall. He could practically see the flashbacks in his eyes. 

Whenever this happened, he would give Dean's hand a squeeze, reminding him that he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to.

Dean always returned the squeeze to indicate that he was alright. But after this happened a few times, he remembered what Cas had texted to him the night he left Indiana.

**From:** _Blue Eyes  
_ **Date/Time:** _April 22 --_ _11:40 pm  
_ **Message:** _I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to coddle, but... Back when my dad was alive, when I came out... He reacted... Similarly to your dad._

So if anyone knew how Dean was feeling, it was Cas. 

Dean suddenly felt incredibly warm towards Cas, even more so than before. He cursed the gods that he wasn't there for Cas when this was all going down, so he showed his gratitude by sitting inappropriately close to him and laughing at his stupid jokes and playing with his hair.

When Charlie wasn't trying to force Dean to talk about the worst moments of his life, she was excitedly catching him up on all the goings-on of Roosevelt High. Though she had been texting him small updates throughout the summer, there was a lot she hadn't thought to mention.

"Oh, by the way, guess who finally hooked up?" She said as the three of them (and Kevin Tran) walked around the park after school.

"Uh..." Dean didn't really care, but he pretended he did so Charlie wouldn't bring up his dad again. "I don't know, Meg and Ruby? Always thought they looked a little gay for each other." He heard Cas let out a small chuckle, which made the hairs on his arm stick up.

"No. Well... That one's not confirmed. But it wouldn't surprise me." Charlie was walking backwards, in front of Dean and Cas so she could look at them. "It was Chuck Shurley and Becky Rosen!"

"Becky Rosen?" Dean searched his brain trying to remember who that was. He had met a lot of people at that school, he couldn't remember all of them.

"Yeah, you know, the one with the crazy eyes who stared at you like you were a ghost?" 

_Ah, yes._ Dean thought, rolling his eyes. _Becky Rosen, who else?_

"Oh, yeah... Really? Didn't think they were... Each other's types."

Charlie laughed and listed off a bunch of other people who had hooked up. Dean wasn't really listening, he was paying more attention to Cas, who, as the sky went dull and the air got colder, was huddling closer and closer to Dean with each step they took through the park. They walked past the lake, and Dean recalled the last time he had been there. When he and Cas had laid under the stars and watched the fountains. He smiled fondly and the spot where they had put their picnic blanket, and he felt Cas' grip tighten on his hand, indicating that Cas was thinking about that night, too.

"Oh, and guess what?!" Charlie exclaimed, making Dean jump a little.

"What?"

"I got a girlfriend!" Charlie grinned.

"No way! What's her name?"

"Gilda," Charlie answered. Then when she saw the look on Dean's face, she added, "well, that's not her real name. Her real name is Lily. But she loves Dungeons and Dragons, so she goes by Gilda."

"Oh, okay," Dean nodded. "Well, good for you, Charlie I'm happy for you." 

Charlie spun around and walked away from Dean and Cas, to join Kevin, who was feeding some geese by the side of the lake. Thankful that he was finally alone with Cas, Dean took the opportunity to ask what he's been up to.

"Oh... Not a whole lot," he murmured. Dean let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around him instead.

"Aw, c'mon, there's gotta be something. Are you telling me that you haven't done anything remotely interesting in five months?"

"Um... Not really," Cas replied, snaking his arm around Dean's waist. "Well... I guess, there's the musical."

Dean halted his footsteps causing Cas to trip a little. "You do theater?" 

"Well, it's more Gabriel's thing than mine. But he wanted me to audition, so I did."

"What's the show?"

"Uh... Sweeney Todd."

Dean blinked. "What's that?"

Cas laughed. "No, that's his name. _Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street._ "

" _Demon_ barber?!" Dean did not like the sound of this musical.

Cas laughed again. "Yeah, he's a serial killer... Don't you know anything about musical theater? It's a really famous show."

Dean rolled his eyes and pulled Cas in tighter. "Whatever you say. What your part?"

"Anthony Hope. Gabriel's Sweeney Todd, though, which was to be expected. He's been the lead for the last three shows."

"Is that good? The Anthony guy?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good. But I've never acted before, so I don't know if I'll manage."

Dean glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and planted a kiss on Cas' forehead. "I'm sure you'll do great."

That was when he realized that they hadn't kissed since Dean had returned. It had only been eight hours since they were reacquainted, but he wanted to make sure he kissed him before the day was over- one more birthday gift.

But he was really nervous. He knew he couldn't do it until they were alone together, in a place where there was no way anyone could see them. He was worried that he wouldn't be able to do it properly or satisfactorily, that the memory of his dad would flash into his brain.

After all, that had been the last time they kissed. And Dean was terrified of it all happening again.

~~~

After their stroll through the park, Dean, Cas, Charlie, and Kevin piled into Cas' baby blue Chevy and drove to Charlie's house. Charlie pulled a small birthday cake from the fridge, and they all sang to Cas, loudly and off-key, reminding Dean yet again of the events of the last day he saw his friends. 

After cake and watching Cas open the gifts he'd gotten from Charlie and Kevin, they realized it was nearing midnight, so they said goodnight to Charlie and drove Kevin home.

"So where are you staying while you're in town?" Cas asked, pulling away from the curb outside the Trans' house.

"Freemont Hotel, just around the corner, why?" 

"Well... I mean, I want to spend all the time I can with you, Dean, but I've got school tomorrow. I really need to get home."

Dean's grin fell. He had entirely forgotten about school. "Oh, yeah..." 

Cas drove to the hotel and pulled in a parking spot. "I'm sorry, Dean. We can do something tomorrow after school, I promise. Just the two of us, if you want."

Then Dean realized he had to get out of the car now, and he started to panic a little. He still hadn't kissed Cas, and he really wanted to. He _needed_ to.

"Hang on... Can you just step outside for a sec?" 

Cas' eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Dean opened the car door and stepped outside. "I just... Please?"

Cas obeyed and climbed out of the car. Dean rushed around the front to meet him at the driver's side door. 

"What is it, Dean?"

Dean took hold of Cas' hands and rubbed his thumbs on his knuckles. His heart was in his throat, he was so nervous. He hadn't been nearly so nervous the first time they had kissed.

"I just... Okay, Cas, I don't like getting all mushy, you know?" Cas nodded. "But I... Well, ever since I left... I've just felt so... _Guilty."_

Cas frowned. "Why? You have no reason to feel guilty, Dean. You didn't do anything wrong."

Dean stared down at his and Castiel's hands and felt a lump in the back of his throat. _No,_ he thought. _No, I have cried enough in front of this kid, I'm not doing it again. This is supposed to be a happy moment._ He looked up into Cas' eyes and felt his heart soar. He felt every emotion someone could possibly feel all at the same time... And it was overwhelming.

Cas looked concerned. "Are you alright, Dean?"

Dean smiled and let go of one of Cas' hands to touch his face instead. He felt Cas' rough stubble under his fingertips and he smiled even harder.

"I... Cas I have never been better," he choked. Cas smiled.

"Then what's the problem?"

"I abandoned you," Dean blurted out. "I just up and left you and Charlie, and you barely even got an explanation!"

"Dean, please," Castiel begged. "Your father was all the explanation we needed. You can't just put all the blame on yourself, that doesn't make any sense. And you didn't abandon us." Cas pulled Dean into a hug and held him still. "We missed you. A lot. _I_ missed you. But that doesn't mean I blame you."

Dean put his hand on the back of Cas' neck and pulled away, just far enough to look him in the eyes again. His heart pounded. This feeling he had towards Cas was brand new, and he didn't have a word for it, but he knew he liked it. He laughed a little at his friend, who looked at him curiously.

"What? What's so funny?"

Instead of answering, Dean lowered himself ever so slightly so that he and Cas were only an inch apart, with his hands on either side of Cas' head. He breathed in Cas' scent and grinned even wider. He felt Cas' hands around his waist, pulling their hips together, and Dean licked his lips.

"I have missed you so much, Cas," Dean whispered, staring hungrily at Cas' plump lips. 

"I've missed you, too, Dean," Cas whispered back. "And I am so glad you're here. It's the best birthday gift anyone could ever give me."

"Well I wanted to give you something else," Dean said, feeling more and more nervous with each second. "And it's not a great gift, but it's all I have. And to be honest, it's an entirely selfish gift."

"What..." Cas' voice faded as he realized what Dean was talking about. "Well it's about time."

The corners of Dean's mouth stretched all the way to his ears, and his stomach was doing a series of impressive backflips that could win the Olympic Gold Medal in gymnastics. He curled Cas' hair around his fingers and pulled him in closer... Closer... Closer... Until he was only breathing in what Cas was breathing out. His heart felt like it was full to bursting.

"Happy birthday, baby." And _collision_.

It was the greatest feeling Dean had ever experienced. It was like every fantasy he had ever had and every good feeling he had ever felt had all morphed into one tangible thing.

He didn't know what was happening around him, and he didn't care. Someone could walk by screeching the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven while playing the cymbals and firing blanks at seagulls... He wouldn't even notice. He was completely at a loss for thought, at a loss for words. He wanted this feeling to go on forever. He wanted to stand there, in that parking lot, for the rest of his life, just holding onto Cas with all he had. 

That was when he realized the word for this feeling.

It was love.

~~~

Every day after school for the rest of the week, Cas would come over to Dean's hotel room, and the two would get snuggly in Dean's bed and watch reruns of whatever 80s sitcom was playing. They would cuddle and laugh at the terrible jokes and make fun of the questionable fashion choices of that decade.

Dean hadn't told Cas that he loved him, and he had no intention to, not any time soon. Besides, he felt as though he had already told him. He told him every time he laughed at one of Cas' awkward observations which made most people feel uncomfortable. He told him every time he sat through one of Cas' rants about theology- a subject Dean knew nothing about and had little interest in, but Cas was very passionate about. He told him when he agreed to watch the same episode of _Diff'rent Strokes_ four nights in a row because it was Cas' favorite.

He never said it out loud, but boy, did he tell him.

One night, during Dean's second week in Indiana, as they lay in Dean's bed watching an old episode of _Friends_ , Cas was getting particularly fidgety, and Dean knew why. He had been feeling restless, too. They spent a lot of time kissing and cuddling, and they loved it, sure. But they were getting to the point where it wasn't quite enough. So Dean decided to bring it up-- they were going to have to have this conversation eventually, and now was as good a time as any.

"Cas, I think we need to talk." 

Cas frowned at him. "What about?"

"Well, I mean, man, I think you know what," Dean said uncomfortably. 

"What? I- Oh..." Cas said as it registered in his head. "You want to talk about sex."

Dean blinked. "Well, geez, Cas, don't be subtle or anything."

Cas giggled. "Okay, well, let's talk. I'll go first." He sat up with his legs crossed and turned to face Dean. "As you know, the only boyfriend I've ever had was Balthazar."

Dean pushed himself up and faced Cas. "Yeah, well, that was what I gathered."

"Well, we were together for quite a while, and we did... Some stuff together."

Dean never liked these conversations. They always got really awkward really quickly. But he was curious as to how far Cas went with Balthazar, if only to try and figure out how far he'd be willing to go with him. "What kind of stuff?"

Cas looked away and blushed. "Well... Okay, well we didn't go all the way, if that's what you're asking. We just, you know... Fooled around a bit."

Dean got the hint. He also started feeling a bit exposed. "Oh. Okay."

"What about you?"

"Uh..." He didn't really want to talk about his sexual history, but he felt like he didn't really have much in the way of a choice. "Well, I mean, as I'm sure you've figured out, I haven't really been anywhere long enough to have something that anyone would consider a proper relationship."

"Yeah, well, that had occurred to me."

"Right, so... Well I've never had what I'm sure you and Balthazar had, but I have done... I've done quite a bit. Just... Never with a guy." Dean felt sweat beading on his forehead.

"So... You've had sex?" Cas asked. Dean looked down at his fingers.

"I, uh... Yeah. Twice, actually."

Cas' face fell. "Oh..."

"I... Yeah. The first time was with this one girl... Robin. In Arizona. We stayed in that town for almost a month, and she was pretty chill. But when I left it was kind of like... That was it, you know?"

"When was that?"

Dean thought back. "Almost two years ago, I think." Then he noticed Cas' expression and he felt guilty again.

"What about the second time?"

"This... Um, this girl, Cassie, in Mississippi. She was awesome, but it ended pretty badly. Actually, that was only like a month before I came here." Dean felt worse and worse with every word. "But, you know, they... Those nights weren't all that special, Cas. I mean, they were fun, but they weren't special."

Cas forced a smile. "I don't mind, Dean."

Dean reached over and took Cas' hands. "Yes, you do."

"No, really, I don't, I just... If we do decide to... You know, go that far... I don't want to disappoint you."

Dean leaned over and planted a light kiss on Cas' nose. "Baby, what we have is already a million times better than what I had with either of those girls. You couldn't possibly disappoint me."

"Are you sure?"

Dean thought back to the night of Cas' birthday when they were in the parking lot. He thought about their time at the park and the tomfoolery that went down while they were meant to be studying the French Revolution. He stared at Cas' eyes and his lips and his hair, and pushed his lips to his friend's.

"I'm sure."

~~~

An hour later, Cas was sound asleep, his head resting on Dean's chest. Dean was staring blankly at the TV, which was silently playing the _Late Late Show, with Craig Ferguson_. He was absently running his fingers along Cas' arm, but he wasn't thinking about Cas anymore. He was thinking about Sam.

He was worried about him. It had been over three weeks since he'd heard from him last, and he dreaded to think what John might do to him. The only consolation he had was the reminder that John had never hit Sam before, so there was at least a chance that he wouldn't do it now. 

Dean reached over to the nightstand, careful not to move too much so he wouldn't wake up Cas, and grabbed his phone. He had a missed call from an unknown number, and three unread messages. He clicked open the first one.

**From:** _Unknown  
_ **Time:** _12:04 am  
_ **Message:** _Hi Dean, it's Gabriel Novak. I got your number from Charlie, who said Castiel was with you. He wouldn't answer his phone, so I called you, but you didn't answer either... Is he there?_

 **To:** _Unknown- > Gabriel Novak  
_ **Time:** _12:46 am  
_ **Message:** _Cas fell asleep while we were watching TV. Didn't want to wake him. Sorry, we've been busy._

 **From:** _Gabriel Novak  
_ **Time:** _12:47 am  
_ **Message:** _Don't you go getting my brother pregnant, boy._

Dean chuckled and opened his inbox to read his other messages. His smile disappeared when he saw that they were from Sam.

**From:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _12:19 am  
_ **Message:** _Are you gonna come back soon? Dad's not letting me go to school, he's making me hunt because you're not here to look after me._

 **From:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _12:28 am  
_ **Message:** _Dad's really scary when he's drinking._

 **To:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _12:50 am  
_ **Message:** _I know. I'm sorry, Sammy. I'll be back as soon as I can. But remember what I said- if Dad tries to hurt you, whether he's drunk or not, you get out, you hide, and you call the police. Or Bobby. Anyone. Just be careful._

Dean locked his phone, turn off the TV, adjusted his position on the bed to lie down, and hugged Cas' sleeping body to his chest. He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. He couldn't let Cas go, but he couldn't let Sam continue to suffer. He had to think of something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom. 
> 
> Hope you liked that. The next few chapters are going to be HELLA intense, so hold on to the sides of your head, they are gonna blow your mind.


	8. Of All The Gin Joints In All The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst, and lots of fluff. This chapter was a lot of fun to write, so please enjoy :D
> 
> Also, should note: There is a bit of sexy time in this one, but it is very specifically NOT smut, so... Don't get too excited ;)

_"Turn off the lights, and turn off the shyness  
_ _'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence.  
_ _And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase,  
_ _Like I'll never be the same..."_  


Dean woke up slowly the next morning and felt around the bed, realizing that Cas wasn't there. He rubbed his eyes and sat up just in time to see his friend exiting the bathroom and rushing around the room gathering his various belongings.

"Shit, I'm late," he mumbled to himself, not aware that Dean was awake.

"Mornin'," Dean said happily. Cas didn't stop shoving his things into his bag, but he glanced up when Dean spoke.

"Sorry, did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet."

"No, it's fine. Where are you going so early in the morning?"

Cas sighed. "I'm going to _school_ , Dean. It's that place teenagers go to to _learn_ things."

"Oh, right. I thought today was Saturday."

"Nope," Cas said, swinging his bag over his shoulder. "It's Friday. And I have a really important physics test first period, so I can't be late." He crossed the room to the bed, leaned down, and pressed his lips to Dean's. "I'll see you later, alright?"

Dean smiled drowsily and yawned a goodbye as Cas ran out of the room. Dean slumped back on his pillows and stared at the wall. Cas didn't usually stay over night, sohe usually spent his mornings sleeping, and his afternoons with Cas and Charlie, but since he was awake...

He rolled over and picked up his phone to check his messages. 

**From:** _Sammy  
_ **Time:** _5:18 am  
_ **Message:** _I know, I will. Just come back soon._

Without really questioning why Sam was awake so early in the morning, he dropped his phone on the bed, and got up to have a shower. When he got out, he saw that Cas had left him a message on the mirror in the steam.

_Good morning, sunshine! :D_

Dean grinned and drew another smiley face under the one Cas had drawn. Cas was always doing cute little things like that, and Dean found them very endearing. Wondering how he was going to make it through the day without him, Dean left the bathroom, made himself comfortable on the bed again, and watched _Good Morning, America!_

~~~

Dean spent much of that day pacing and thinking. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and what he wanted to say, and the only worry in his mind was that Cas would reject him. He knew he wouldn't, and if he did, he knew it wouldn't be a big deal. But he was still worried. He didn't want to embarrass himself, and he _really_ didn't want to make Cas uncomfortable. He loved him- he couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

He went out and bought all the things he'd need for a night with Cas and spent the remainder of the school day making himself busy by shaving with extreme accuracy and cleaning the hotel room. He called Bobby around 1:00 to check in and sent a text to his brother asking him how he was doing. At 2:30, he went out again, this time to meet Cas and Charlie after school.

Dean walked over to the school's student parking lot and found Charlie, Cas, and Kevin sitting in Castiel's baby blue Chevy. He climbed in the front seat and gave Cas a hello kiss

"Hey baby, how was your day?"

"Not bad, I think I did pretty well on that physics test, but... I was a little distracted," Cas answered, starting his car and pulling out of the parking lot. "How was your day?"

"Oh, you know... Same old. Why were you distracted?"

Cas' cheeks glowed crimson. "I was... Thinking about you."

Dean smiled. "Well, I better make it up to you, then." He leaned across the cup-holders separating them and gently kissed Cas' neck, making him squirm with delight.

"Ugh, seriously guys?" Charlie's voice came from the backseat, reminding Dean that they weren't alone. He pulled back from Cas and grinned at Charlie.

"Sorry, Charlie, I couldn't resist."

"Yeah, okay, keep it in your pants, Winchester."

The four of them spent their Friday evening as they usually did. They went to the mall so Kevin could buy new headphones, then they went to dinner at a local Vietnamese restaurant, and then topped it all off with ice cream cones and mini golf. Dean spent a lot of this time staring at Cas, thinking about everything he wanted to do with him. He'd been thinking about this all day, but actually being around his blue-eyed boy made the thoughts evermore aggressive and intense.

He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to feel every inch of him, he wanted to lie with him and let their sweat mix together. He wanted to take off his shirt and lick whipped cream off his bare chest.

He also wanted to talk to him. He wanted to lie in bed wearing baggy sweatpants, cuddling and watching whatever documentary was on PBS. He wanted to listen to him get heated about religious equality around the world. He wanted to just sit and stare at him. He wanted to do absolutely everything with him, even if that meant doing nothing at all.

But all he could do right now was watch him hit golf ball after golf ball into the stream. Dean loved how frustrated Cas got every time he lost a ball. He knew Cas hated that he found his frustration adorable, but he couldn't help it. Eventually, he gave in to his overwhelming urges, wrapped himself around Cas with his hands overlapping his friend's on his golf club, and guided his arms to shooting a hole-in-one. Charlie and Kevin cheered, and Dean, after checking around to make sure no one was watching, congratulated Cas with a kiss. 

He felt blood rushing downwards as Cas wrapped his arms around his neck, so he pulled away before the situation could develop. Cas, however, had noticed Dean's problem, so he glanced down at Dean's pants, looked back up, and winked at him. Which just made it worse.

Dean sat down on a bench nearby while Charlie and Kevin played their turns. He tried to calm himself down, but it didn't help that Cas sat next to him and started rubbing his knee.

This went on for a long time. Every time Dean got his little friend to relax, Cas would do something incredibly mundane, like brush his hair out of his eyes or scratch his nose and Dean would pop right back up again. When they had, at last, finished mini golfing, Dean gratefully climbed back into Cas' car and covered his lap with a sweatshirt, hoping he had been discrete enough that Charlie and Kevin hadn't noticed.

This was when they all collectively realized it was nearing midnight, and Kevin had a curfew, so they drove him home, then made their way across town to Charlie's house.

"Alright, guys," Charlie said, popping open the car door and stepping outside. "This was great and all, but I won't pretend I didn't notice your little... issue down there, Dean."

_Shit,_ he thought, blushing ferociously.

"Oh, uh... Yeah. Sorry."

Charlie chuckled. "It's okay, dude, but I'm telling you now- don't do anything stupid. I'm not coming with you guys to get tested for HIV."

Dean flicked his eyes over at Cas, who was stared straight forward, his face neon red. In fact, the pair of them looked like a couple of tomatoes, ready for plucking. Dean tried to stop himself from sweating through his shirt and looked back at Charlie.

"Thanks," was all he could think of saying. Charlie winked, shut the car door, and headed up to her house, leaving Cas and Dean in an unbearably awkward silence.

Cas took the initiative to break the uncomfortable silence by turning on the car's radio as they pulled away from the curb outside Charlie's house. Unhelpfully, it was Ed Sheeran's sultry voice that began pouring out of the speakers.

_"Give me love like her. 'Cause lately I've been waking up alone, paint splattered teardrops on my shirt... Told you I'd let them go..."_

Dean desperately wanted to address the elephant in the room, but he had no idea where to start.

_"You know I'll fight my corner, and that tonight, I'll call ya, after my blood turns into alcohol..."_

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. 

"Cas, you know... what we were talking about last night?"

Cas stared unblinkingly at the bright red light in front of him. "Um... yes."

Dean tensed up. "Well... Do you, you know... Would you want-"

"Dean, of course I do," Cas interrupted, still watching the light- which had now turned green, though Cas hadn't seemed to notice.

"Oh..." Dean had no idea what to say. Cas shook his head and drove under the light in the direction of Dean's hotel.

_"Give a little time to me, or burn this out. We'll play hide and seek, to turn this around. All I want is the taste that your lips allow, my, my, my, my-y, oh, give me love..."_

"Dean, I..." Cas began, finally snapping completely out of his trance. "I really... I really like you. And I really want to... To take that step with you." Dean swallowed and stared at the side of Cas' face. "But I... Well, like I said, I've never done it, and I wouldn't want to disappoint you-"

"Cas, you could never-"

"But that's not it. I don't... I-I'm worried that... Well, what if... What if your dad finds out?"

Dean solidified and his insides turned into jelly. He had hardly thought about his dad the entire time he'd been in Indiana, but now that Cas mentioned him... Oh, _shit_.

"Cas..." He couldn't even form a coherent thought. He was suddenly feeling as frightened and as nauseous as he did when his dad dropped him off at Bobby's. He didn't know what to say, and even if he did, he couldn't make his voice work.

"Dean, I'm sorry, forget I said anything," Cas said quickly when he realized the affect his words had had on Dean. "Dean...? Dean! Are you okay?" 

Dean felt like a boulder was resting on his chest. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't process what was happening. He was suddenly absolutely panic-stricken at the prospect of his dad showing up out of the blue, and he was utterly petrified. He felt his entire body leak sweat and his arms and legs shake. His brain was going into meltdown and tears were leaking out of his eyes, but, if you asked him, he wouldn't have been able to say why. 

Cas swerved into the hotel parking lot, threw the brakes on, jumped out, sprinted to the passenger side door, swung it open, and kneeled down next to Dean who was, as Cas diagnosed, having a panic attack. He gently touched his hand to Dean's knee. Dean flinched and Cas had to dodge the knee to avoid a bloody nose. 

"Dean..." Cas didn't really know what to do in this situation. He had read a bit about panic attacks online for a health project a few years ago, but a lot of the information hadn't stuck. But he had remembered one thing: 

"Dean, you're safe. Your dad is no where near here, there's no way he'll show up. I promise, I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Tears continued flowing from Dean's eyes as he looked at Cas. He reached out of the car and touched Cas' shoulder, and a sob escaped from his mouth. He still couldn't breathe, and more and more sobs issued from his throat as he pulled Cas closer to him.

"You're safe," Cas said again, standing up to lean into the car and wrap his arms around Dean and hold him. "You're safe, baby, you're safe. No one can hurt you, I promise, you're safe."

Dean cried into Cas' shoulder and squeezed his grip around Cas' middle. He felt his sobs grow louder and more dramatic, but he found himself slowly regaining the ability to breathe. His mind returned to functioning order, and he realized that this, the fact that Cas was so calm and so caring and delicate during the scariest moments in Dean's life, was just one more reason why he was so desperately, head-over-heels, in love with him.

"Cas, I-I... I'm sorry, I j-just don't... I don't-"

"Dean, it's okay," Cas soothed while rubbing his hand on Dean's back. "It's my fault, okay? You haven't done anything wrong, I need you to understand that." Cas felt an ache in his neck from the awkward position he was stood in, but he didn't move.

"N-no, Cas, that's not...I..." Dean couldn't say it. It didn't feel right, not right now. "Just... Thank you, Cas."

Cas smiled and kissed the piece of Dean's skin in front of his face. He thinks it was his neck, but he wasn't sure. 

"Anytime."

~~~

An hour later, Dean had his head resting on Cas' chest, and he was listening to his heart beating and feeling his lungs expand with every breath he took. They were lying in Dean's bed and were watching another _Friends_ rerun. 

Cas stroked his fingers up and down Dean's arm, not thinking about what was happening on the television, but instead about the boy who laid beside him. Cas was feeling incredibly guilty- he knew that Dean's panic attack was a result of his own insensitivity, but he didn't really know how to fix it. He knew what he wanted to say, he just didn't know how to say it- and he could never seem to find the right moment.

Cas had decided many months ago that how he felt towards Dean was far more than any friendship he'd ever had, or any feeling he had ever felt towards Balthazar. It was far more powerful, far more intense, and far more painful- painful, especially, when Dean was gone and Cas didn't know what had come of him.

Cas had spent most of his summer with Charlie, but he wasn't all that focused on their activities. He knew it was silly to be obsessing over a boy he'd only known for three weeks, but he couldn't help it. Dean was the first thing he thought about when he woke up, and the very last thing he thought about when he went to sleep. He had spent most days distracting himself with video games, Netflix, and- yes, once or twice- porn. Nothing helped, though- everything he did brought his mind back to Dean.

On the day Dean came back to Indiana, Cas realized what the feeling he felt towards him was called. 

It was love. 

He was in love with Dean.

Which made the guilt from causing a panic attack feel _so much worse._

He pushed his lips to the top of Dean's head and kissed him gently. He tried to put a lot of unsaid things into that little kiss- there were no words to express how he felt.

Dean propped himself up on his elbow to look at Cas. They held each other's gaze for a long time. There was no level of discomfort or awkwardness whatsoever, and Dean felt his stomach buzz with excitement, just from looking into the vast ocean that were Castiel's eyes. He took Cas' free hand in his own and locked their fingers together. 

"You... Have very blue eyes."

Cas grinned from ear to ear. "You have very green eyes."

Dean sat up, turned over, and straddled Cas' lap, taking his face in his hands and brushing his fingers along Cas' strong jawline. He leaned down slowly, feeling Cas' gentle touch on his lower back.

"Stop flirting with me," he whispered, their mouths only millimeters apart.

"Wouldn't if I could," Cas hissed back, his voice barely audible.

Dean smiled widely and closed the gap between their lips. He felt the same sparks in his stomach he had felt the very first time they kissed. He pulled Cas towards himself so their chests would touch and he could sit on Cas' thighs. 

Cas greedily groped at the hem of Dean's shirt and pressed his hands to the skin on the small of Dean's back. Dean let out a soft groan and Cas' grin widened even further. He brushed his hands along Dean's skin as he lifted the shirt and broke their kiss so he could slide it up over Dean's head. He tossed the shirt aside and turned his attention to the half-naked boy on his lap. He ran his thumbs along Dean's surprisingly pronounced abdomen and watched Dean's face as he brushed over his nipples. Dean groaned pleasurably again, and Cas felt happiness and joy radiate from every bone in his body.

He put his hands on Dean's back, then pulled his own knees up, causing Dean to fall on top of him and making their chests press together. Dean nipped at Cas' neck, and felt their hips touch and their downstairs neighbors twitch excitedly beneath their jeans. Cas jerked his hips up, making Dean gasp and causing his entire body to melt- his mouth hung open stupidly but he lacked the strength to close it.

"Oh, Cas..." He breathed into Cas' neck. 

Dean heaved himself up to resume kissing, and his knees tightened around Cas' hips. He felt Cas' hands running down his back to his ass, and the tight squeeze he felt from those hands made his entire body light up with excitement. " _Cas..."_ he gasped into his friend's mouth.

Cas broke their kiss again, rolled over, and sat on Dean's lap. He pulled off his own t-shirt in one fluid motion, and Dean gazed at the torso in front of him, heart thumping, head feeling a little dizzy.

He pulled Cas back down towards him, and he heard Cas' soft moan when their bodies collided. Cas laid down on top of Dean, making their hips lock together and their feet intertwine. Dean ran his hands over his partner's ass, as Cas had done, and felt another twitch from his groin beneath his jeans.

_This_ was what Dean had always wanted. This feeling, right here. It wasn't just the physical closeness that made him tingle with pleasure and it wasn't the arousal that made his heart leap. He had had those things before, with Cassie in Mississippi and Robin in Arizona. It was the fact that it was Cas.

Every good feeling he was having right now was from Cas. It wasn't the prospect of sex that was making him giddy, it was the prospect of sex with _Cas._ He hadn't felt this way before, ever, in his life. Never once during his night with Robin did he feel the need to caress and kiss and stroke every inch of her body. Never once during his night with Cassie did he feel the urge to proclaim his love for her. Never once, with any of the girls he had ever kissed, had he imagined the possibility of growing old with them, of raising kids and living a normal life with them. 

At the time he told himself this was because of his life and responsibilities as a hunter, but he knew better now. It was because with those girls, all he felt was lust. All of the brainpower he used came directly from his loins, not once from his heart.

Cas was different.

Every motion Dean made, every kiss he left on Cas' skin, every gentle brush of his fingertips over Cas' warm body was an unabridged declaration from Dean's heart. Every second he spent nuzzling and feeling Cas' bare skin felt like it was a century long. His mind was spinning out of control, and his body was entirely overcome with the need to convey to Cas just _how much_ he loved him, without using words.

And Cas got the message.

Cas reciprocated every touch and every kiss, and he wanted to make Dean feel as good as he felt. Cas wanted Dean to understand his feelings in a way that even _he_ couldn't. He wanted to remind him of the day they met, the day they first kissed, the day he fell so deeply in love with him, there was no getting out.

"Dean..." Cas groaned quietly while Dean touched every inch of skin he could reach. The two boys were now in the hotel bed, wearing nothing but their boxers. Cas was lying on his back and Dean was working his way down his body, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake. Cas couldn't remember a time when he had felt this good. He ran his fingers through Dean's hair, causing Dean's voice to hitch in his throat.

"Oh, _Dean,"_ Cas moaned, his voice slightly louder than he had intended. Dean looked up at Cas' face, brushing his fingers over the throbbing bulge in Cas' boxers and smiled sweetly, making Cas melt even further into the bed.

"Ready?" Dean growled, his own body seething with passion, his limbs weak but his mind set.

Cas drew in a deep breath and pulled on Dean's chin to kiss him deeply. They pulled apart with a pop and he brushed the hair out of Dean's eyes and stared at them with as much admiration and love as he could muster.

"Ready."

~~~

The next morning, Dean woke up when the sunlight streamed through the curtains of his hotel room and hit him in the face. He looked to his left and saw Cas' dozing form curled up next to him. He leaned over and planted a kiss on his nose and smiled at him while he slept.

The previous night had been the most wonderful thing Dean had ever experienced. He had been right in thinking that it would be better with someone he loved, rather than a girl he had only just met.

Boy, was it better.

He turned over to look at the clock on the nightstand- 10:14 am- then picked up his phone and flicked through his messages.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _1:49 am  
_ **Message:** _Don't know what you guys are up to, but I hope you followed my advice._

Dean smiled and typed a quick reply.

**To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _10:15 am  
_ **Message:** _Don't worry. We did ;)_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _10:15 am  
_ **Message:** _WHOA, SERIOUSLY?! I was just fucking with you guys! But that's great- just keep the details to yourself, Winchester._

Dean chuckled and returned to his inbox. 

**From:** _Gabriel Novak  
_ **Time:** _2:13 am  
_ **Message:** _I'm just gonna go out on the limb here and assume that Castiel is with you. That's fine, but you're gonna have to let him come home eventually._

 **To:** _Gabriel Novak  
_ **Time:** _10:17 am  
_ **Message:** _Yeah, I know. Don't worry, I'll make sure he goes home today._

Dean looked over his shoulder at Cas and couldn't help but widen his smile. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, curled up like a puppy. 

Dean turned his attention back to his phone and noticed he had two missed calls from Bobby- one from about 7:00 in the morning, and one from ten minutes ago. Dean swallowed hard. Bobby never called that early, and he certainly didn't call more than once unless it was something important. This could only mean...

The phone vibrated in his hand. Bobby's name flashed up on the screen and Dean felt his whole body tremble as he clicked 'accept call'.

"Bobby?"

_"No, it's Liza Minnelli."_

Dean was so nervous, couldn't even roll his eyes at that. "Why did you call me so early? What's going on?"

There was a pause. Dean heard a muffled buzz at the end of the line which made him realize that Bobby was driving.

_"Uh... Well, I'm on my way over."_

Dean blinked. "Why?"

_"Your... Your daddy called. Said he wanted to pick you up today."_

Dean's heart stopped. "What did you tell him?"

Another pause. This one was much longer.

_"Dean, you have to understand, he was already on his way, and it's a twelve hour drive from Sioux Falls to where you are, there was no way I could have gotten you back here in time-"_

"Bobby, what did you tell him?" Dean held his breath.

"Dean, what's going on?" Cas' voice came from behind him, but he didn't turn around. He heard Bobby take a deep breath over the phone. 

_"Well you know I ain't an idjit, boy, I didn't tell him you were with Cas."_

Dean let some air out of his lungs. "Good... That's... Good... But what did you tell him?" He knew that Bobby wouldn't have bothered calling him so early if everything was fine.

_"Well... I guess my age is getting to me. I wasn't as quick on my feet as I usually am, and-"_

"Bobby," Dean interrupted, holding his breath once again. "Does he know I'm here?"

A fourth pause. It lasted at least four hundred years. Dean could practically taste the blood that would be pooling in his mouth if John found out how Dean had spent his night.

_"Yeah."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, heavy, right?
> 
> Thanks for reading :) Expect the next chapter in about a week.


	9. I've Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATES ARE OFFICIALLY GOING TO BE EVERY SATURDAY!
> 
> I have a lot of schoolwork I need to keep up with, plus I'm in a play or school so I have rehearsal twice a week, and I just got a job, so, unfortunately, I don't have enough time to update more often. Sorry guys! xx
> 
> But I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_"You're a canary, I'm a coal mine  
_ _Cause sorrow is just all the rage  
_ _Take one for the team  
_ _You all know what I mean..."_  


"I didn't want to have to do this, Dean, but you've left me with no choice."  __  


John raised his right arm, his fingers wrapped around a thick wooden bat. Dean shut his eyes tightly and winced as he felt each blow hit his body. He didn't dare cry out, not matter how much he wanted to. He knew John wouldn't like that. He knew it would only make things worse.

"Dad, p-please... I'm s-sorry, I'm s-so sorry," Dean whimpered. Blood was gushing from his nose. He had a sharp pain in his side where he could feel a bruise forming. He felt his arm break after one particular strike, and his right eye was swollen shut.

"This is for your own good, Dean. I can't have my son being a fag, especially not when I've gotta worry about what it might do to Sam."

"D-Daddy, please," Dean sobbed, his salty tears stinging the fresh wounds on his face. "I'm n-not... I w-won't-"

"You're _sick,_ Dean!" John yelled, raising the bat and delivering yet another hit to his son's broken body. "I'm just doing what I need to do!"

Dean eyed the wooden bat up and down. It was almost completely coated in his blood. He stared straight at it, as, with one final motion, John swung the bat towards Dean's nearly unrecognizable features. Dean felt his skull crack, and he fell and hit the concrete hard.

~~~

Dean shot up in bed, gasping for air and clutching his chest. His head was pounding. He ran his hands up and down his face and was surprised to find that it was still in tact. He stared into the dim room as his breathing slowed and his heart rate returned to normal. 

After a few moments, Cas' soft voice came from behind him.

"Are you okay?"

Dean turned to look at Cas, shocked to see that he was still there. After his phone call with Bobby that morning, he had told Cas to get as far away as possible. Naturally, Cas refused, insisting that he couldn't just leave Dean to fend for himself.

Cas sat up next to him and dabbed the sweat from his forehead with the corner of the hotel sheet. "You were... Thrashing. Quite a lot. What were you dreaming about?"

Dean brushed Cas' hand away and rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands.

"What time is it?" He asked instead of answering Cas' question.

"Almost 6:00. We've got about an hour and a half."

Dean laid back down in the bed and turned his back away from Cas. Cas laid down behind him and snaked his arms around him. Dean took Cas' hands and held them to his chest, feeling his friend's slow breaths hit his neck, as a constant reminder that he was still there.

"I told you not to stay here," he said, staring at a spider that was climbing up the opposite wall.

"I don't care. I'm not going to leave you here."

"You have to. You don't understand, he's... He's gonna come after you."

Cas withdrew his arms from around Dean's torso and tugged on his shoulder. Dean rolled over and Cas stared at the grassy green eyes that were uncharacteristically bloodshot and watery.

"Let him."

Cas leaned down and brushed his lips to Dean's for what Dean figured would probably be the last time. That phone call with Bobby had suggested that it would be a very long time before he could see Cas again... If ever.

~~~

When Bobby called that morning at 10:17, Dean felt his entire world crumble around him. He couldn't even make it through the call. He had to have Cas take over and talk to Bobby for him, as he himself couldn't remember how to breathe, much less how to talk.

He had shoved the phone at Cas, then balled up under the blankets of the hotel bed and listened to Cas' slow, deep voice, talk to Bobby about what was going on.

He didn't cry. He didn't wail. He didn't have another meltdown. He had known this day would come eventually. Obviously, he'd hoped for a little more time, but, as they say, you can't always get what you want...

When Cas hung up the phone, he said Dean's name quietly and gently rubbed his arm in comfort, but Dean had ignored him. He wanted Cas to go away. He didn't want him to see him like this. Cas had seen two full-on meltdowns of Dean's, he wasn't about to let him see him in an even worse state than that.

"Dean?" Cas had said, climbing off the bed to crouch down next to it in front of Dean's face. "Dean... I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." Dean's voice was high and cracky. He didn't sound like himself. He sounded like a boy who had been through far too much. He sounded broken.

"It's not your fault, either," Cas said in an attempt to be soothing. He moved the hair out of Dean's eyes and Dean reached up and held Cas' hand to his cheek. 

He shut his eyes and breathed deeply, feeling Cas' thumb rub gently on his cheekbones.

"What did Bobby say?"

Cas looked at him guiltily. He wished there was something he could do to help this poor boy, but there was nothing. 

"He'll be here around 7:30 tonight. He's going to take you with him back to South Dakota and he's going to figure out a way to get custody of you and Sam. It won't be easy- he told me he's not exactly known for his hospitality, but he's going to try. The only thing we have to worry about is-" Cas cut himself off. He didn't want to say it out loud. 

"What?" Dean croaked, though he already knew the answer.

Cas took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He then pushed his lips to Dean's forehead and removed his hand from the other boy's cheek. He curled his fingers around Dean's hand and swallowed hard.

"The only thing we have to worry about... Is if your dad gets here first."

A tear dripped from Cas' eye and hit the bed sheet with a splash. He hated himself for telling Dean this, but he knew he'd hate himself more if he lied. Dean's grip tightened around his hand and the green-eyed boy took a deep shuddery breath, then buried his face in his pillow.

"You have to go." Dean's muffled and broken voice caused Castiel's heart to shatter.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered back. He couldn't have spoken louder if he tried.

"You can't stay here."

"I can't leave, either."

"I promised your brother you'd be home."

"My home is not going anywhere, it'll still be there if I go home tomorrow instead."

"But you're not safe here."

"Neither are you."

"That doesn't matter, I'm not safe anywhere."

"All the more reason for me to never let you out of my sight."

~~~

But all that was hours ago. Cas had insisted that Dean try and get some rest before the inevitable, so Dean had closed his eyes and fallen asleep next to Cas before waking up, sweating and shaking.

It was almost 6:00 now. Which meant that Bobby would be with them in an hour and a half. The good news was that it was starting to look as though Bobby would get to them before John. 

Dean stared up at Cas, the terror that had overcome him from his nightmare now almost completely gone. He looked really beautiful from this angle. Cas' eyes were fixed on Dean's, but Dean's eyes were darting all around his friend's face, trying to absorb every possible detail about it, sucking up every ounce of beauty the boy had to offer.

His beautiful, blue-eyed Castiel Novak, with the filthy tan trench coat and the baby blue Chevy. _Now is as good a time as any,_ he thought.

He let out a big sigh. He couldn't help but smile at his companion. Somehow, after all this bullshit that he had to go through, all this bullshit that he had put Cas through, just being with him and looking at him was enough to make him smile stupidly.

"You have very blue eyes, Castiel Novak." That's not what he meant to say, but it's what came out. 

Cas smiled a wet, sorry smile back at him. "You have very green eyes, Dean Winchester."

Dean felt a tear drip down the side of his face and hit the pillow. For the first time in... Well, for the first time ever, Dean wasn't crying because he was sad. He wasn't crying because he was scared or lonely or nervous. He wasn't crying because he knew his dad was coming to get him and he was going to get the beating of a lifetime. He wasn't crying because he knew he was never going to see Cas again.

He was crying because he was happy.

In spite of all the miserable, horrible things that were happening to him... He was happy.

He was happier than he had ever been.

He knew this moment wouldn't last and he knew that the happiest moment of his life would soon be succeeded by the absolute worst moments of his life, but he didn't care. For once, he was going to let himself be happy. He was going to let the happiness seep out of him and he was going to bathe in it. He was going to feel happy. And nothing, not even John Winchester, was going to take that away from him.

"I love you, Cas," he sputtered, finally. He grinned from ear to ear and a delightful pink color flushed his previously pale cheeks. 

He had said it. It had taken him months... But he had said it.

Cas glowed in the dull room. He grinned at Dean toothily, tears streaming down his cheeks and beading in his stubble. He wasn't feeling as happy as Dean was. He was nervous and terrified and just overall uneasy. But he wasn't going to spoil Dean's surprisingly good mood.

"I love you too, Dean."

~~~

**6:41 pm**

** _Incoming call: Charlie Bradbury_ **

"Hey, Charlie."

_"'Sup, Winchester? Haven't heard from you guys all day, what's going on?"_

Dean swallowed and adjusted his grip around Cas' shoulders. He nodded towards the television remote, and Cas picked it up and put the TV on mute. Dean clicked the speakerphone button and put the device between them.

"Well, it's kind of a long story, actually, Charlie," Dean said, staring at Cas out of the corner of his eye. Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder and put his arm around his waist. 

_"What do you mean, a long story? I mean, if you're trying to tell me you two have been sexing each other this whole time, just don't mind me, I'll let you get back to it."_

Dean let out a small chuckle. "No, no, it's nothing like that, it's just... Well, um..." He couldn't say it. He let out a shaky sigh, which Cas took as a cue to take over.

"Um, Dean is uh... Well, we're in a bit of a tough situation at the moment."

_"What's wrong?"_

"Well... Dean's uncle called. He's uh, on his way to pick him up."

_"What?!"_ Charlie shrieked. _"Why didn't you tell me?"_

"I know, I'm sorry, Charlie," Dean spoke up. "It was super sudden and... It's been a long day."

_"So, what, you're leaving again?"_

Dean looked at Cas, who was pointedly avoiding his stare. "Yeah."

_"Are you ever going to come back?"_

Dean watched as Cas sighed heavily, then looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. "Probably not."

_"So, what? Is this just it? Am I never going to see you again?"_

Dean was kicking himself for not giving Charlie the proper goodbye she deserved. "I'm telling you now, this is not going to be the last time I see you guys," Dean reassured, though he wasn't quite believing his own words. "It's going to be... A very long time before I can come back, but God help me, I'm not going for good."

Cas gave him a light, wet peck on the cheek and Dean closed his eyes. His moment of happiness had long ended, but he wanted to make Cas' last as long as he could.

_"You better come back. Or at least answer your fucking text messages every now and then."_

Dean laughed again. "Yes, ma'am."

There was a brief silence before Charlie spoke again.

_"I just wish I could see you again."_

Dean looked at the clock. It was almost 7:00. Charlie could come down and meet them, but he didn't want her to bear witness to what was going to happen. Bobby or John, whoever turned up... Dean wanted as few people involved as possible.

"I'm sorry, Charlie."

There was a pause, and then, _"I know you are, Dean."_

"I'll text you when I get a chance. Okay?"

Another pause. _"Okay. But Dean?"_

"Yeah?"

_"I love you."_

Dean smiled at his phone on the bed. "I know."

~~~

**7:08 pm**

Dean walked around the room and packed all of his belongings into his duffle bag while Cas watched from the bed.

"I think you have everything, Dean," Cas said.

"I know, I just... I want to make sure."

Cas frowned. Dean was pacing. He was nervous, and rightly so, but Cas took it upon himself to keep him calm. He stood up, crossed the room to where Dean was walking, and stood right in Dean's path.

"Dean-"

"Cas, I have to get everything packed."

"Everything is packed."

"No, it's not, it's, uh... There are some... I think I left my toothbrush in the bathroom."

"Dean, you put your toothbrush in your bag ten minutes ago, I watched you do it."

"I just want to check-"

"You've already checked three times-"

"Damn it, Cas-"

"Dean, you need to try and relax, you're going to hurt yourself-"

"I'm fine, I just need to check-"

"Dean. Dean... Dean, _stop."_ Cas reached out and steadied Dean by the shoulders. Dean looked at him right in the eyes with a look that made Cas shiver nervously.

"You need to take a breath and just chill, okay? We still have twenty minutes, and then you're going to Bobby's, where you'll be safe. Alright?"

"I won't be safe there, Cas," Dean said quietly, giving Cas the most pitiful eyes he'd ever seen. "I'm not safe anywhere. He always finds me."

"But you'll be safer there than you are here. Dean-" Cas pulled his arm towards the bed and made him sit down. "-I know you're... You're scared of your father. And I understand, I really do. But you're going to have to be brave, and-"

"No," Dean interrupted.

"What?"

"No, you don't understand, Cas. It's not me I'm worried about. It's Sam and Bobby and... And you." Dean looked down at his hands and began twisting them together. Cas reached over and held them still, stroking his thumb along Dean's rough knuckles.

"I know. You care so much about other people, and that's wonderful. But you need to start caring about yourself."

They sat in silence for a moment, and Cas felt his heart sink lower and lower and lower as he realized that Dean was right. It didn't matter where he went. John would always find him. He'd have to keep moving forever- and he certainly couldn't come back to Indiana again.

Cas leaned over and kissed Dean's mouth carefully and delicately. There were no tears this time. Neither of them felt like they'd ever cry again.

~~~

**7:17 pm**

"What if Bobby doesn't get here first?"

"He said he'd be here at 7:30, that's in ten minutes. He said he'd call if he was going to be late, and he hasn't called."

"What if Dad comes before then?"

"We have a plan, Dean."

"What if the plan doesn't work? And what if he shows up while Bobby's here?"

"It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not, I'll never get to see you again, do you understand that, Cas? Never."

"Then I'll come with you."

"Why the fuck would I let you do that? You need to go to school and live your life, you don't need to follow my sorry ass around for the rest of time."

"No, I don't need to, I want to."

"Well, you're not coming, and that's final. If you're with me when my dad finds me, you're as dead as I am."

"You don't get to decide things for me, Dean, if I want to come, I'm coming."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you-"

Dean fell silent and his eyes widened with fear. He stared at Cas for a moment, then walked across the room to the window and looked outside.

"Dean?"

Dean closed the curtain and hung his head. He walked towards the door without looking at Cas and picked up his duffle bag.

"Dean, what are you-?"

Then Cas fell silent, too. He heard what Dean had heard. 

He stood up from the bed, moved over to Dean, and put his arms around him, holding his head to his chest, as the howl of the Impala's engine echoed through the streets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it xx
> 
> Also, I'm realizing that these boys cry a LOT so I'm going to try and stop doing that so much.


	10. The Patron Saint Of Liars And Fakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm complete shit, I know, this should have been up last week, but I only finished it now. I do have an excuse though, I've been dealing with a lot of family issues and school-related nonsense, so I am super duper sorry, and I will try to get better.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter- and I promise you, I will finish this fic! It might not be for several months, but I will, indubitably, finish it, because like you, I hate when fics are just left unfinished.
> 
> xx

_"And when it all goes to hell,_  
 _Will you be able to tell_  
 _Me sorry with a straight face?"  
_

Dean had learned a lot from his dad over the years. He learned to stick to his guns. He learned to trust his instincts. He learned to not trust anything _but_ his instincts. He learned that there was more evil in this world than there was good, and that it was his job to stop it.  
  
And he liked that. For fifteen years, he liked that. He liked that he was doing good, even if it wasn't the most conventional kind of good. He liked that he was helping people. He didn't care that most people thought of him and his family as borderline sociopaths, and he didn't care that he had never stayed anywhere long enough to make attachments to people.

Then, late in the spring of his sixteenth year, he met Castiel Novak and Charlie Bradbury. The first two people in his life who didn't treat him like he was a freak or an outcast. The first two friends he had ever made. The first two people he'd met who weren't interested in his life unless he wanted to talk about it. The first two people who didn't demand to know every last detail about his life, every last ounce of knowledge relating to his horrific past. They didn't care. They were the first ones who didn't give a shit what his past was. They just knew that they liked him as they saw him, and they didn't want him to change. They loved him as he was.

Then he made the mistake of falling in love with one of them. If you ask him now, he'll say that falling in love with Castiel Novak was the biggest mistake of his life. He'll tell you that if he could go back and do it all again, he would never have even spoken to him. As far as Dean is concerned, the day Castiel first spoke to him was the day Castiel's life ended.

He wishes he'd never seen those bright blue eyes.

He wishes he'd never gotten into that baby blue Chevy.

He wishes he'd never kissed those soft, warm lips.

He wishes he could take it all back.

But he can't.

And Castiel was the one who paid the price.

~~~

_Present day..._

Dean couldn't quite hear Castiel's comforting words as they speed-walked down the hallway of the hotel to the door leading to the roof. His mind was preoccupied with questions and concerns.

Where was Bobby? How did John know which hotel they would be at? What if their escape plan- which was just to hide on the roof and hope for the best- didn't work? What if Dean got hurt? What if _Cas_ got hurt on Dean's watch? Dean tightened his grip on Cas' hand as they approached the rusty old ladder.

They climbed up onto the roof of the hotel and sat, huddled together in the corner behind the door. Cas was shaking and sweating, and Dean knew that he was far more frightened than he was letting on. He tried to comfort him, but nothing except dust escaped his lips.

They sat still, hearing only the revving of car engines in the street and the faint wail of a police siren in the distance. Dean's head was hammering and his heart was pounding. He couldn't remember ever being this scared in his life.

Tires squealed in the parking lot below, followed by the slam of a door and the sound of footsteps on pavement. Dean stood up slowly and peered over the edge of the building.

Bobby had arrived. Dean relaxed a little at the sight, but soon tensed up again as he noticed the Impala parked in front of the entrance, indicating that John was inside the hotel.

_"Oh, God..."_ Dean muttered shakily, sinking down next to Cas once again.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay," Cas squeaked back. The deepness of his voice from which Dean had always found a sense of security had disappeared. They huddled even closer together, holding each other tight, barely breathing.

They heard a crash below, then the harsh yelling of two voices Dean knew all too well.

"He's just a kid, John! There's nothing wrong with him, you're the one with the problem!"

"He's _my_ son, not yours! You don't get to make decisions for him, I do!"

"He's old enough to make his own decisions! You can't control him forever!"

The shouts continued and echoed through the street. Dean resisted the temptation to stand up and see what was happening.

"Don't you tell me how to raise my son!" John shouted. Dean heard scuffling and what sounded like a person being thrown against the hood of a car. His grip on Cas' hand tightened again, but not because he was scared. His fear had been replaced by a boiling anger and the longing to give John everything he had coming to him.

"I'm the one who's doing what's best for him!" Bobby shouted back. "I have taken more care of that boy that you ever have, and you still have the nerve to call yourself his father?!"

Dean was straining. He wanted to get up and give John a good kick in the neck. But he stayed down.

"I AM HIS FATHER!" John roared. The sound of a punch to the nose and Bobby's brief wail of pain flew up the hotel and into Dean's ears. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His blood was boiling. But still, he stayed down.

"You can hit me all you want, John, you're only proving my point."

More punches. More cries of pain, both from Bobby and from John. Dean knew he wasn't going to be able to sit idly by much longer. 

"Dean is nothing but a fag!" John shouted between punches. "He's got nothing to offer the world! And once I've taken care of him, I'm coming for you, Singer!"

"You're not going to kill your own son, John!"

"HE IS NOT MY SON!" John screamed, throwing yet another punch. "I DID NOT RAISE MY SON TO BE A FAG!"

Suddenly, Dean felt Cas' warm body leave his side, and he popped open his eyes to see the flap of Cas' trench coat disappear through the roof door.

~~~

Cas was fuming. He had never been so angry. He knew he couldn't take John by himself, but he didn't care. God Himself couldn't stop him from trying.

He flew down the stairs and nearly tripped over the turned-up corner of a rug in the hallway, but he kept running as fast as he could.   
  
"Cas, stop!" Dean was screaming behind him. "You don't know what he can do!"

Cas didn't answer. He didn't care that John could rip him to shreds with his bare hands. He was going to spend every ounce of energy he had on beating John Winchester to a pulp, and he didn't care if he was killed in the process.

He swung open the front door of the hotel and marched over to John and Bobby. Bobby had a bloody nose and a black-eye coming on, but he wasn't down. John, too, had blood on his face, but he wasn't as bad as Bobby.

Cas stormed to John, swiveled him around forcefully, and, before John could even react, Cas clenched his fist and introduced it to John's chin.

The searing pain in his knuckles felt incredible. The usually quiet and awkward boy in the trench coat watched as John tripped backwards and landed on his back. Cas took a step forward and gave the man a hard kick to the side. 

"AGH! What the fuck?! Who the hell-" John stopped as he realized who had hit him. Cas breathed heavily as John slowly rose from the ground, rubbing the spot on his chin where Cas had punched him.

"So..." John said menacingly. Cas felt his hatred grow with every moment. "You're the one who turned my son gay, huh? Well you should know... I don't like hitting kids, but I give fags an exception."

It was that word that Cas hated so much. The word 'fag.' He had heard that word directed towards him so many times in his life, mostly from his father when Cas first came out. It started as a word that made him cry. It made him feel useless, invisible, and like a burden. Hearing that word made him hate his very existence.

But now that word was like an energy drink. It made him angry. It made him _furious._ It made him feel powerful. 

He wound himself up for his next punch. He took a step forward, and his fuming detest for the man in front of him increased evermore as the man began laughing.

"What are you going to do, kill me?"

"Cas... Take a step back," Bobby's rough voice came from behind Cas. Cas ignored him. 

"You know what?" Cas growled, face turning bright red and knuckles turning white. "I am going to kill you. I'm going to tear you limb from limb, and you're going to pay for what you did to Dean."

John laughed cruelly again. "Don't you pretend to know more than I do about how to take care of my son, boy!" He snapped, putting his face only inches from Cas'. "Besides, it was you who ruined him. _You_ are going to pay for what you did to Dean."

Cas squinted his eyes and kept his feet firmly planted on the ground. He grabbed John's shirt collar in his left hand and clenched a fist in his right hand.

"Fine."

He let his fist go on John's nose, and John fell back again. Cas kneeled on the ground and let his fury out on John, but his punches were continuously growing weaker.

Suddenly he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked around and saw Dean's delicate face and his anger dissipated instantly. Cas stood up slowly, guilt bubbling to the surface.

"Cas..." Dean said quietly, staring at John over Cas' shoulder.

"Dean, I-... I-I don't..." Cas sputtered. He felt like crying now. And his hands really hurt.

"That was a valiant effort... Cas, is it?" John said, standing up once again. Cas turned around to face him, but Dean stepped between them.

"Dad, stop! Please!" He cried, keeping one hand on Cas' chest to hold him back.

"Get out of the way, Dean," John said calmly. "I'll take care of you in a minute. I need to deal with the monster who stole my son, first."

_That would be you,_ Cas thought, fists clenched at his sides again. He wasn't going to keep hitting John, but boy did he want to. He looked to his left and saw Sam staring at the scene from the Impala. Cas felt a pang of sympathy- Sam had nothing to do with this, he didn't deserve to see it.

Bobby seemed to have noticed him, too, as he quickly walked over to the car and put his arm around Sam in comfort. Sam's shocked expression didn't change, but Cas turned his attention back to John and Dean.

"You're not laying a finger on him," Dean said to his father through gritted teeth.

"Watch me."

John shoved Dean to the side and he tripped over the curb, landing hard on the concrete. Cas let his guard down for a few seconds to see if Dean was okay, and during those seconds, a fist collided with his cheekbone, and Cas stumbled backwards but kept his footing. He began calculating the best way to flee- but he couldn't leave Dean lying on the ground, so he just kind of froze. John's fist collided with his face again and Cas felt his nose break. He cried out in pain and looked over at Bobby through his tears. Bobby was staring at the scene, completely speechless and holding Sam still. Dean was trying to stand up, crying, begging his father to stop hitting Cas, but to no avail.

Cas lurched forward and tried to hit at John, but he couldn't really see what he was doing. John struck him one final time with something cold and metal, and Cas hit the ground hard, his head whacking on the concrete, and everything going black.

~~~

Cas blinked as a bright light shone in his eyes. He didn't know where he was and he couldn't remember why his head hurt so much.

"Dean, I think he's waking up," a child's voice said from Cas' left. He heard footsteps approach his right and a damp cloth press against his forehead. The touch was soothing to his headache and he managed to crack his eyes open just enough to see who was next to him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, it's me, don't move too much. You hit your head pretty bad."

"How?"

Dean frowned. "Don't you remember?"

Cas shook his head- then wished he hadn't as pain shot through his skull. He shut his eyes again and put his hand over Dean's to put more pressure on the cloth.

"Hey, stop, I said don't move," Dean said, flicking strands of hair off of Cas' forehead. "It'll come back to you, you'll be fine."

"No, tell me what happened," Cas commanded from behind the cloth. He felt Dean's hand grip his own.

"You need to just chill for a bit, okay? Bobby said not to let you over-exert yourself."

"Bobby? Wait, is Bobby here?" 

"Yeah, Bobby's here," Dean answered softly. Cas was grateful that he was speaking quietly. "So is Sam."

Cas felt a throb in his head and he let out a small groan. "Why does my head hurt so much?"

Dean sighed. "Like I said, you hit it pretty bad."

"Yeah I know, but _how_?" Cas snapped.

"All in good time. Just relax for now."

Cas closed his eyes and pulled the bedclothes up over his head, desperately trying to remember what had put him in this state.

Just then, he heard muffled footsteps approach the bed next to Dean, who was still stroking Cas' forehead.

"How's he doin'?" Bobby grumbled quietly.

"Like you said, he doesn't remember what happened. He said his head really hurts, are you sure he'll be okay?" Dean's voice was nervous.

"He'll be fine, son, he just needs some rest. I'll leave you two alone for a bit- Come on, Sam-" Bobby and Sam left the tiny bedroom and closed the door behind them.

Slowly, Cas peeked over the top of the bedding and was blinded by the sunlight coming from the window. He groaned loudly as his headache worsened, but Dean quickly jumped up and threw the curtains shut. Gratefully, Cas made an effort to keep his eyes open, no matter how much his head was hurting him.

"You gave me... Quite a scare, Cas," Dean said tiredly, sitting back down on the floor next to the bed. "It was... Incredible and brave a-and... And _stupid_."

Cas squinted his eyes at Dean, but he suddenly started to remember what he had done. 

"Your dad..." he said softly, more to himself than to Dean.

"Yeah. My dad," Dean answered quietly, picking up Cas' hand. "You took on my dad, with no warning, and with no help, and you beat him up pretty good, too."

"So... Why does my head hurt so much?"

Dean began brushing flecks of dirt off Cas' bed while he spoke, avoiding Cas' stare. "Well... He kind of... He hit you and you fell and your head kind of just... slammed against the concrete."

Cas' head throbbed. That made a lot of sense. It was all coming back to him now. "How did we get away?"

"Well I was down, you were down, Dad was coming after you... Then Bobby stepped in and hit him with a trash can lid. Then we carried you into Bobby's truck and he drove us here. We're in Indianapolis- big city, lots of people. If my dad does come back, he wouldn't dare try anything."

"So... Where is your dad?" Cas asked. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the answer to that, he was beginning to get frightened of John again.

"I don't know. He was lying unconscious on the ground outside that hotel last time we saw him."

Cas rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. He was shaking and covered in a cold sweat, and all because the memories of John hitting him were mixing with the regurgitated memories of his own father acting similarly. He knew his own father couldn't get him- he was dead. But John... John could get him. John could find him, and like Dean had said before, it wouldn't be long before he'd tracked down his son.

"I want to go home," Cas said, without thinking. Dean pulled his hand away from Cas' face and sighed.

"Yeah, I figured you would. Bobby'll take you home later. I already called Gabe, he told me to just keep you safe and get you home when I could. But Bobby wants to make sure my dad can't get to us..."

Cas' stomach lurched when Dean mentioned his father. They sat in silence for a bit, which gave Cas the chance to think.

He loved Dean. But now he was scared. He never wanted to be apart from Dean ever again, but now... It was getting to the point where his fear of John was more intense than his love for Dean. And that was why, after ten solid minutes of silence, he said, in a quiet, scratchy, self-loathing voice...

"You have to take me home. And... I can't see you anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, swag, I hope you liked that. I already know what the next chapter's going to be, I just have to type it up, so *hopefully* I'll get it up by next week.
> 
> Thanks so much xxx


	11. Miss Missing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of early with this one, as I actually found time to write, which is new. I'm still not sure how I feel about this chapter, but I really want to get on with the next one (which I'm really excited for) so I'm posting it now.
> 
> Also, yeah, I changed all the chapter titles because I thought of a good one (this one) but I wanted to be consistent. I don't know if you like the Fall Out Boy song titles, but don't worry, the lyrics at the beginning of the chapters aren't going anywhere, I just decided not to use song titles... I'm running out of relevant songs by Fall Out Boy.
> 
> Enjoy!

_"Sometimes before it gets better,_  
The darkness gets bigger,  
The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger..."  


The ride from Castiel's house to Sioux Falls was long and painful. Dean spent the entirety of it with his head leaning against the vibrating window, listening to his little brother's soft snoring from the backseat. His eyes were burning red, and all he wanted to do was curl up in the corner of a dark room and die.  
  
He'd never felt so awful. He'd had his heart torn out of his chest not 24 hours ago, but he didn't have a choice but to keep moving forward. Bobby's car radio crackled with static as they drove through a tunnel, and Dean clicked the button on his phone for the hundredth time that hour to check for messages from Cas.

Still none.

Out of anger and embarrassment, he shoved his cell phone into Bobby's glove compartment and slammed it shut.

"Hey, hey, be careful with that, I just fixed it."

"Sorry," Dean said aggressively. He was in no mood to be polite or civil, but Bobby had been nothing but good to him, so he had to try.

"Listen, son," Bobby said, his voice growing gentle. "I know this isn't gonna be easy for you, but you'll be fine. It feels like the end of the world right now, but trust me, it ain't."

Dean shut his eyes and wished Bobby would stop talking. He wanted to believe he'd get better, but he just couldn't see a light at the end of tunnel. Just infinite darkness.

And it wasn't just because of Cas. It was the fact that not three days ago, Dean was living the life he had always wanted to live. But because of his stupid fucking father, he couldn't have the life he'd always wanted, and he was pissed.

He missed Charlie, too. He had wanted to go see her after they brought Cas home, but Bobby had pointed out that the less time they spent in that town, the less likely it was the John would find them. Begrudgingly, he'd gotten into Bobby's truck, and cried for at least the first fifty miles.

He wanted to die. He didn't see the point anymore. The only thing that had been keeping him going was Cas, but that selfish bastard couldn't take it and had skipped out on him. Without Cas, Dean's only motivation for staying alive was Sammy, but he could feel him slipping away as well. There was just... No point.

At about noon on October 17th, Dean, Sam, and Bobby pulled into the driveway of a small house in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It wasn't Bobby's house- Dean had never seen it before. That probably meant that John had never seen it either.

"You boys are gonna be sayin' here for a while," Bobby said, cutting the engine and opening the truck door. "Her name is Jody Mills, she's the town sheriff, she'll look after you. She knows what goes on with your daddy, and she knows what kind of life you boys have been leading, so don't worry about any of that. Your daddy doesn't know her, I'm sure of it- he can't find you here. I ain't bringing you back to my place until I'm certain he'll never touch you boys again."

Dean squashed his eyes with his knuckles, then joined Bobby on the driveway. They walked around to the back of the truck and heaved the two massive duffle bags out of the trunk.

Just then, the door of the tiny house swung open, and in the doorway stood a very pretty lady with short brown hair. She was wearing a sheriff's uniform, and Dean thought she looked as though she'd had a rather rough morning as well. She ran out of the house and down the driveway and threw herself at Bobby.

"Oh, thank God, Bobby, you could've called!" She said, hugging him. Bobby patted her back awkwardly and she released him.

"I know, I'm sorry Jody, it's been a crazy couple of days," Bobby answered tiredly, and Dean realized it must have been at least 36 hours since the man had slept. "You boys gonna be alright?" He asked, turning to Sam and Dean. Dean smiled as best as he could.

"Yeah. Thanks, Bobby. Go home and get some rest, you deserve it."

Bobby smiled proudly at Dean and took him up into a big hug. Dean breathed in Bobby's usual scent of whiskey and gun powder, and felt a deep sense of gratitude for him. _Maybe,_ Dean thought when Bobby released him, _I have one more reason to stay alive._

~~~

Dean quickly learned to not only like, but trust Jody Mills. She was wildly intelligent, and, as she explained to them on their first night at her house, had only recently become aware of the supernatural beings that lurked in the dark shadows of the world. In fact, to Dean's surprise, she'd only befriended Bobby the month before, as she had spent much of the time before that trying to get him arrested for killing "people" who had all turned out to be monsters. She even managed to make Dean smile when she told him stories about Bobby and how many times she'd arrested him. She then made Dean and Sam peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and showed them to the room they would be sleeping in.

"Sorry it's not very big, guys, and sorry there's only one real bed," she said, as they walked into the small bedroom, which had obviously, at one point, belonged to a child. The bedsheets had spaceships all over them and the walls were painted bright blue. There was also a small rollaway cot on the opposite wall, with about seven blankets and clean white sheets.

"This uh... This was my son's room," Ms Mills explained, her voice cracking. Her son, Owen, had died not even a month ago, so the wound was still fresh in her heart. Ms Mills swallowed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Dean felt sympathy wave through his body.

"It's fine. Actually, it's perfect. Thanks, Ms Mills," Dean smiled, setting his bag down in the corner of the room. Ms Mills smiled.

"Call me Jody."

She walked out of the room and closed the door, leaving Sam and Dean alone to get settled. Dean dropped Sam's bag next to the bed, then walked over to the cot and laid down on it. He closed his eyes, wanting more than anything to fall asleep, but found it difficult, as his mind was wide awake.

"Dean?" Sam's small voice said quietly after a few minutes of silence.

"Hmm?" Dean grunted.

"What's gonna happen to Dad?"

Dean took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and rolled over on the cot to face Sam, who was sitting on the bed with his feet barely touching the floor.

"I don't know, Sammy," Dean said quietly. "I don't really care at this point."

"Aren't you worried about him?"

"No, Sam, I'm not. You know why?"

"Why?"  


Dean sat up on the cot and stared at his brother. "Because he's an obsessive bastard. I don't give a shit what happens to him, Sam, as long as he never comes near you again."

"But..." Sam said quietly. He seemed a bit afraid of Dean. "What about you?"

Dean paused. "What about me?"

"Well, aren't you afraid he'll... He'll come back for you?"

Dean looked at his brother. Sammy looked incredibly scared, and it occurred to Dean that this poor boy had been through so much, and none of it had anything to do with him. Dean stood up from his cot, crossed the room, and sat down on the creaky bed next to Sam.

"No, Sam, I'm not," he said, putting his arm around his brother's shoulders. "You know why? Because Uncle Bobby's a superhero- he's not going to let anything happen to me. So I don't want you to worry about me, okay? You worry about you. We're gonna get you back into school, you're going to finish high school, you're gonna go to college, and I'm gonna make sure you get to live a normal life, if it's the last thing I do."

Sam smiled up at Dean then gave him a big hug. Dean patted Sam's back, then told him to get ready for bed. Half an hour later, Sam was in bed, and Dean was lying on his back on the cot, staring at the ceiling, wishing he actually believed any of the things he had said to his brother.

He pulled out his cell phone and stared at his home screen. It usually had a notification saying he had a new text, almost always from either Charlie or Cas asking him where he was or how he was doing, but now... He just stared at his background: a photo he'd taken with Cas the week before all this nonsense with Bobby and John. Cas' bright blue eyes were absolutely breathtaking in this picture, and it utterly destroyed Dean that he had let him self lose something so beautiful, something so wondrous and magical.

He rolled over and faced the wall, still staring at his phone. Cas' face was glowing, but Dean thought it lacked its natural shine. He couldn't decide if this was because it was a picture or if the last 48 hours had altered his own perception, but he did realize something that everyone will realize at some point in their lives: you don't appreciate the good in your life until it's too late... And for Dean... It was too late.

~~~

The next day, Dean woke up on the tiny cot with his phone stuck to the side of his face. He sat up, peeled the phone off his cheek, tossed it among the bedding, and yawned and stretched. He looked over to the other side of the room and saw the Sam wasn't in his bed. Dean clicked the button on his phone to check the time- 11:49 am- and was suddenly filled with a feeling of guilt mixed with panic as he saw that he had two unread messages.

One from Charlie, and one from Cas.

He took a deep breath and stared at the tiny green envelope on his screen, and, slowly, clicked on the message from Charlie.

**_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **_Time:_ ** _10:16 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _So... Cas told me what happened. I know he's still a bit... Well, he needs some time to recover, I think, but I wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I know you're with your uncle, so I know you're safe, but just... Please respond when you get the chance._

Dean let out a sigh of relief. He had been worried that Charlie would shut him out as well.

**_To:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **_Time:_ ** _11:51 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I'm fine. Bobby's taking care of me and Sam. Don't worry about me. Just keep an eye on Cas for me, alright? I know he probably doesn't want to hear from me too much right now, so I need you to let me know how he's doing. He was pretty traumatized when we brought him home yesterday... Charlie, I feel like shit, this is all my fault._

As he was typing that message, the pit in his stomach reformed as he remembered just _why_ Cas had wanted to end their... whatever they had. Relationship? Friendship? Whatever it was, it was over now, and it was Dean's fault.

He stared at his phone screen for a long time, just eying the little green envelope next to the words _"1 new message, from Blue Eyes."_ He was a little startled when his phone vibrated to tell him that Charlie had responded.

**_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **_Time:_ ** _11:54 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I'm telling you, Dean, none of this is your fault. Okay? None of it. I need you to understand that. Cas is going to be fine, and when he is, he'll want to see you again, I know it. Did you get the message he sent you?_

 **_To:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **_Time:_ ** _11:55 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _Yeah, but I haven't read it yet. I'm a little worried about what it'll say._

 **_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **_Time:_ ** _11:55 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _Read it._

It took Dean several minutes to build up enough courage to read Castiel's text message. He just laid on that thin mattress, head propped up on two pillows, ankles crossed, having a staring contest with his cell phone. Finally, he couldn't take the suspense any longer.

**_From:_ ** _Blue Eyes  
_ **_Time:_ ** _10:30 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I hope you know that this doesn't mean I love you any less than I said I did. I started loving you months ago, and that love has only increased. But I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay after what happened with your father, because I'm not. And I realized that staying with you in whatever capacity we were together would not end happily. I'm sorry that I can't explain this better, and I'm sorry for leaving you when you probably needed me the most, but I hope you'll understand that I need to take care of myself, and I can't do that if I'm around your father._

Dean stared at his phone screen for so long it fell asleep in his hands. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what to think. He understood what Cas had said, he could see things from his point of view, but he just... Didn't want to accept it. 

He broke his trance and unlocked his phone, then read the message several more times. Finally, after several minutes of thinking and re-reading and typing and re-typing, he sent his response.

**_To:_ ** _Blue Eyes  
_ **_Time:_ ** _12:20 pm  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I get what you're saying. And I know that it can't be easy for you, especially after what you told me about your own father. But Cas... You and Sammy are the most important things in my life, and that ain't changing just because you don't think you can handle being around my dad, because I know you can. I've seen you do it. You're so tough and awesome and just... Everything I can't be. I completely understand if you need me to leave you alone for a while, but Cas, I need you. I can't do any of this without you._

It took every ounce of courage Dean had to send that message. Once he did, he shoved his phone under his pillow, then left the room to have lunch with Sam and Jody.

~~~

Dean refused to let himself look at his phone all day. He only went into that bedroom once to get dressed, and he spent the rest of the time with Sam and Jody. Jody showed the boys the school Sam would be going to. She wanted Dean to go, too, but Dean pointed out that he wouldn't have enough credits to graduate on time anyway, so there was no point. Bobby- who had wanted to come along to the school- agreed, and told Dean that once he was eighteen, he had a job at Singer Auto, if he wanted it. 

When they returned to Jody's house that evening, Sam waddled off to the bedroom and fell straight to sleep. Dean on the other hand, still not wanting to look at his phone, sat up with Jody and watched late night talk shows and ate popcorn. Finally, when Jody went to bed around midnight, Dean decided he needed to look. He couldn't wait any longer, and he certainly couldn't make Cas wait any longer.

He clicked off the TV, set down the remote, and took a deep breath. He pushed himself up on the arms of the recliner, and made a big scene about stretching and cracking his back before finally making his way through the dimly lit house to the bedroom. 

The door creaked open and Dean slipped inside, tiptoeing across the carpet, careful not to wake Sam up. He made it to the cot, felt around under the pillow for his cellphone, then laid down and took another deep breath.

He unlocked the screen, and stared worriedly at the teeny tiny green envelope that glowed on his screen.

_1 new message, from Blue Eyes._

After several minutes of doubt and anxiety, Dean slowly clicked open the message from Cas, and read it carefully. His stomach fell as he read the surprisingly short message, and he didn't think his heart could stand much more abuse.

**_From:_ ** _Blue Eyes  
_ **_Time:_ ** _1:04 pm  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I'm sorry, Dean._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... let me know what you think- I don't love how this one ended, so I'd love to hear feedback, or maybe even suggestions on how to make it better.
> 
> Thanks for reading!! xx Next chapter in about a week
> 
> 3/12/14 EDIT- so I'm complete trash and the next chapter is no where near done, but unfortunately, I can't promise to have it up for at least another two weeks. I have a lot of school and work and theater responsibilities that must come first, and I'm really sorry :/ But I am not abandoning this fic, it's just gonna be a little while, so bear with me!! Thanks guys xx


	12. 7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO VERY SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG WITH THIS CHAPTER!!
> 
> I've been way too busy lately, and it took me a long time to decide which direction I wanted to take this fic in. I've made my decision now, and hopefully I'll be able to get back on track. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I know it's disappointingly short, but it moves the story along, which is what I needed right now. Thank you so much for being so patient, and I hope I don't disappoint!! xx

_"I'm sitting out dances on the wall  
_ _Trying to forget everything that isn't you  
_ _I'm not going home alone  
_ _'Cause I don't do too well on my own."_

 

"Dean, I'm taking Sam to school, do you want to come?" Jody poked her head into the doorway of the tiny bedroom, her pretty brown eyes sparkling in the early morning sunrise.

Dean propped himself up on his elbows to look at Jody. "No, I think I'd rather stay here, if that's okay."

"Sure thing, sweetie. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. I'll be back in a few hours, I'm going to run some errands. Bobby's expecting you around 10, so don't forget. Call me if you need anything." She smiled kindly then backed out and shut the door.

Dean flopped back down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. It had been almost two weeks since he'd gotten that text from Cas, and he hadn't heard anything since. Not from Cas, not from Kevin, not even from Charlie. He didn't want to try and contact them in case Cas got angry, so Dean had been spending nearly all of his time either lying in bed wishing he was dead, or on the couch rotting his brain with daytime television. He hadn't been eating much and he was tired all the time. He just kind of wished he could stop existing.

Jody had begun to worry about him, so she insisted that one day a week, he go over to Bobby's to work on cars and get some fresh air. So every Friday, Dean would force himself to get up, take a shower, get dressed, eat half a slice of toast, and spend the day with Bobby.

Bobby generally managed to keep Dean's mind occupied. Dean had a good time for the most part, an he even managed to eat a proper lunch in between fixing cars. He hardly thought about Cas when he was working with Bobby-- that was until Bobby decided to bring him up.

"Bobby, do you have any more oil? This one's kicked." Dean tossed the empty bottle into the bin and crossed over to Bobby, who was sat at his work bench.

"Yeah, there's some in the back, but, uh... Dean, can we be real for a sec?"

Dean shrugged and sat down across from Bobby. "Sure, what's up?"

Bobby sighed and stared at Dean sadly. "How are you, Dean?"

Dean blinked. "What do you mean? I'm fine."

"Don't bullshit me, son," Bobby said sternly. "I can see it, you've dropped at least fifteen pounds, you're losing your muscle, you look like you haven't slept in a month, but Jody says all you do is sleep... What's going on?"

Dean looked down at his lap and suddenly realized how loose his favorite jeans were. He put his hand on his stomach and felt it grumble, but the thought of eating made him feel positively nauseous. "I'm... I'm fine."

"No you're not. Now, tell me what I can do to help." Bobby leaned forward to look Dean in the eyes, but Dean was pointedly avoiding his stare.

"I... There's nothing to do, Bobby, I'm... I'm alright, I'm just a little stressed."

"You shouldn't be, Dean, that's why you're with Jody. Let me do the stressing, okay? You just relax and let your mind go, don't go worryin' about things you ain't got no control over."

Dean nodded glumly and felt tears coming on. He tried to hide them, but Bobby is an observant man.

"Is there something else you're not telling me? Is this... Did something happen with Cas?"

Dean felt his insides liquify and his tears inadvertently slide down his cheeks. He swallowed down a sob and twisted his fingers together. Two months ago hearing that name would have made his heart leap for joy. Now it made him feel like his heart had been mauled by a bear.

Bobby saw the look on Dean's face and immediately stood up, walked around the table, and put his arms around Dean's shoulders.

"What's wrong, son? Tell me what happened."

Dean heaved a great sigh and blinked the tears from his eyes. After a few moments of collecting himself, he told Bobby everything that had happened between the kerfuffle with John and that first day at Jody's house. When he finished talking, he didn't feel any better, like he had hoped he would. He felt empty and broken, and he felt like jumping off a building.

Bobby didn't bring up Cas again after that. He let Dean finished the minivan he had been fixing, then sent him back to Jody's. Dean would pull out his phone periodically in the hopes that Cas or Charlie would alleviate his misery, but with no such luck.

And for weeks, there was nothing but silence. And Dean's days were all the same. And every Friday was the same. And every skipped meal and every choked back tear pushed Dean one step closer to the edge. It was nearing his 18th birthday and he was seriously considering taking that final step, when--

_1 new message, from Charlie Bradbury._

Dean stared wide-eyed at his phone, hoping and praying that this text was really there and that he wasn't imagining it. 

"Dean, would you mind going over to pick up Sam from school in about half an hour? I promised him I'd buy him some more Lucky Charms before he got home, and I completely forgot."

Dean heard what Jody was saying to him but he wasn't really listening. He couldn't take his eyes off his phone, but he grunted a yes at her and it was several minutes before he realized she'd left the room.

He was about to click open the text when another one arrived.

Then another.

And another.

When the fifth text flew into his inbox, he checked the time and saw that he'd been staring at these unopened messages for twenty minutes and it was time to pick up Sam.He shoved his phone into his pocket, pulled on his boots, and stomped down the street towards the middle school, tracing the outline of his phone with his forefinger.

As he walked, he felt the phone buzz again... And again... And again...

_Buzz._

_Buzz._

_Buzz._

Dean was now power walking. He turned right onto Main Street, decided he couldn't take it any longer, and pulled out his phone as he stood against the wall of a coffee shop.

10 unread messages.

Dean swallowed. Whatever this was, it couldn't be good.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:31 pm  
_ **Message:** _So I have some news for you._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:32 pm  
_ **Message:** _And you're not going to like it, so I'll give you two minutes to answer before I tell you._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:34 pm  
_ **Message:** _It's about Cas. He's not doing so well._

Dean felt his heart hit the bottom of his stomach. That could mean anything.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:34 pm  
_ **Message:** _It's something to do with you not being here, I know it, he hasn't been the same since you left._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:37 pm  
_ **Message:** _Okay, now before I tell you the problem, you need to understand that this is not your fault. Okay? If we're blaming anyone here, we're blaming your father. It wasn't you. You got that?_

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:39 pm  
_ **Message:** _I'll take your silence as a yes._  

 **From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:40 pm  
_ **Message:** _So Cas has been... He's been pretty quiet recently. He seemed fairly normal over winter break, but once we went back to school it was kind of... It was all downhill._

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:41 pm  
_ **Message:** _And last week, Michael called me... He said Cas was... Not doing well._

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:41 pm  
_ **Message:** _I don't want to tell you exactly what's wrong until you answer, mostly so I can know you're okay._

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:42 pm  
_ **Message:** _Please answer when you get the chance. I'll have my phone on me all day. Just.. Don't text Cas. And stay safe._

Dean's legs had turned into lead. He tried to move away from the tree, but he couldn't. He was just staring blankly at his phone. A million scenarios poured through his mind about what exactly could be wrong with Cas, each one worse than the last. He tried to send a text to Charlie saying, _"yes, I'm here, I'm fine, what's wrong?!"_ but his thumbs didn't get the message. They just hovered over the keyboard.

After five solid minutes of no movement, he suddenly remembered why he had gone out in the first place. He checked the time on his phone. 2:51 pm.

Dean took off running down the street towards Sam's school. He could have walked, it wasn't that far, but for some reason, he felt like running. It cleared his mind. It made him feel refreshed.

He slowed to a jog as he reached the school, and checked the time again. 2:56 pm. He had a few minutes before Sam would be dismissed, so he sat down in front of a tree outside the school and stared at his phone. His heart started beating faster and faster as he re-read Charlie's texts, then drafted a new one.

**To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:57 pm  
_ **Message:** _What happened?_

That was all he could manage. He locked his phone, tilted his head back against the tree, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It occurred to him suddenly that this could have just been some ploy to get him to text his friends back. That sounded like something Charlie would do. But that thought was quickly wiped from his mind, as Charlie's response appeared on his phone.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _2:58 pm  
_ **Message:** _Well, Michael called me last night and said that Cas wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be in school today and could I drop his homework off after school. I said I would, and I figured that would be the end of it. But when I texted Cas asking how he was doing, he never answered. Now, you know Cas, he always answers, he's never without his phone. He'll be playing Flappy Bird on his death bed, we both know it._

The bell rang and students began pouring out of the building as another message arrived in Dean's mailbox.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:00 pm  
_ **Message:** _So, anyway, I was texting him all day but never got a response. That was when I noticed that Gabriel wasn't in school, either. And when I walked by the middle school on the way to Cas', there was no sign of Rachel, either. I got worried, obviously, but I convinced myself they were all probably just down with the flu or something._

Busses began to start up as the junior high schoolers filled them.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:03 pm  
_ **Message:** _When I got to Cas' house, there was an ambulance parked outside with its lights flashing and its back doors open. I managed to climb over those stupid gates and get up the driveway, when I noticed Michael, Gabriel, and Rachel, all huddled together on the doorstep. No sign of Cas._

Dean couldn't breathe. He wished Charlie would type faster. The busses started rolling away, and Dean noticed his little brother approaching him, but immediately turned his attention back to his phone when another message came in.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:07 pm  
_ **Message:** _So I went over to Michael, and he gave me a hug, which was weird, and that's when the paramedic dudes came out of the house with a stretcher... With Cas on it._

"Hi, Dean!" Sam said. Dean ignored him. His head was light. He felt like he might pass out.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:09 pm  
_ **Message:** _He overdosed. Sleeping medicine._

"Dean?" 

Dean's throat closed. His eyes shut, his stomach lurched, and his mind was completely empty. "Dean, what's wrong?" Sam sat down next to his brother. Dean didn't notice. His phone buzzed again, and it took him a few seconds before he realized.

**From:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:10 pm  
_ **Message:** _He's... Well, he's not dead. He's unconscious. We can't know anything until he wakes up._

"'S my fault," Dean whispered hoarsely. His voice was completely unrecognizable. If Sam didn't know better, he'd have thought his brother had been replaced by a man who had been smoking for fifty years.

"What is?"

Dean turned to his brother as though he was just noticing him for the first time. 

"I... Uh..." he muttered. Sam looked frightened. After several minutes of silent thought, Dean looked back down at his phone, and typed his response to Charlie.

**To:** _Charlie Bradbury  
_ **Time:** _3:14 pm  
_ **Message:** _I'm on my way. I'll be there in two days. Give him a kiss for me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to make a promise for when the next chapter is up, because this one was supposed to be up like 2 months ago. I'm going to aim for sometime in the next few weeks, but don't hold me to that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!! xx


	13. The (Shipped) Gold Standard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaay another update!!
> 
> This one's pretty long but I had a lot of fun writing it, if I'm honest. Hope you like it!

_"You can only blame your problems on the world for so long_  
_Before it all becomes the same old song_  
_As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town_  
_And get new passports and get, get, get, get, get out now."_  


Dean's breathing was ragged and his eyes were completely flooded. His throat was dry and tense and his bottom lip had gone numb from biting it too much. He sat in the passenger seat of Bobby's truck, clenching his phone and staring straight ahead. Bobby had made attempts to talk to him on this drive, but he didn't want to talk. He had never felt more guilty in all his life, and he knew, he _knew_ , that if it hadn't been for him, Cas would be not only awake and healthy, but he wouldn't have even done this. He _knew_ that. And it killed him.  


They drove all evening and into the night in complete silence. Every time Dean's phone vibrated, he'd read the message from Charlie five or six times, just to make sure he didn't miss any details. They didn't bear much information, though.  


**_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _4:57 pm_  
**_Message:_ ** _Michael wasn't happy to hear that you're coming. Gabriel was. I think Cas would be, too. I certainly am._  


**_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _6:12 pm  
_ **_Message:_ ** _This isn't your fault, you know, Dean. You know Cas wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He loved you._

 **_  
_**From: _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _6:13 pm  
_****_Message:_ _He still loves you._

 **_  
_**From: _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ **_7:34 pm  
_****_Message:_ _I don't know when he'll wake up, so you might be wasting a trip. But you're welcome to stay at my house for the time being._

 **_  
_**From: _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ **_8:15 pm  
_****_Message:_ _Michael wants me to ask you if Cas ever acted like he would do something like this while you were with him. I told him you probably wouldn't answer, but he insisted, so here we are._

 **_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _9:54 pm  
_ **_Message:_ ** _I'll be at the hospital all night. Rachel is refusing to go home but Michael has to go to work in the morning, so I offered to spend the night here with her. Come find me when you've arrived._

 **_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _11:11 pm  
_ **_Message:_ ** _His condition hasn't changed. He's just sound asleep. The doctors are hopeful, but they usually are and they're not always right._

 **_From:_ ** _Charlie Bradbury_  
**_Time:_ ** _1:19 am  
_ **_Message:_ ** _Rachel fell asleep, and I'm dozing off as well. Call me when you get here. I love you._

Charlie's words did nothing to soothe him. They did nothing to make Dean hate himself less. He felt completely empty and he felt like he deserved it.

Two hours after the last message came in, Bobby's truck turned onto the street where the hospital was. Dean stopped breathing when the emergency room entrance came into view, and his vision went fuzzy as the truck rolled gently to a halt outside the doors.

"You want me to come in with you?" Bobby asked quietly. Dean jumped, having forgotten Bobby was even there.

"Uh..." Dean's voice cracked and his entire body tensed up. "Uh, n-no... Thanks, Bobby." That was all he could manage.

He popped the door open and slowly stepped down out of the truck.

"I'm going to the gas station and then I'm gonna check into the motel down the street. You know how to reach me if you need me." Bobby said. His voice was distant, but Dean managed to nod in response. He appreciated that Bobby was giving him his space.

Dean walked slowly and carefully into the emergency room, and he scanned the room. The hospital was in night mode, so all the lights had been slightly dimmed, and the room was peaceful. _How..._ Dean thought, _could a room where so many bad things happen every day... Be this quiet?_

He made his way over to the front desk and stared at the nurse sat behind it, who stared back, waiting for him to say something.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked, breaking the silence. Dean shook his head to clear it.

"Uh, yeah. I-I'm looking for... For Castiel Novak's room. C-can you tell me where it is?"

The nurse's previously stern expression turned compassionate as she watched Dean's eyes well up with tears for the millionth time that night. "You must be Dean," she said softly. "Charlie asked me to keep an eye out for you. Go down that hallway and take a right, she's camped out on the chairs outside Castiel's room."

Dean nodded and muttered a thanks before wading through the corridors, his mind spinning and his head pounding. He suddenly realized that he'd been awake for almost 24 hours and he hadn't eaten anything in at least 18. His stomach growled at him angrily, but that didn't matter right now. _He_ didn't matter right now. The only thing that mattered was Cas.

He turned the corner and immediately halted in his tracks. Charlie was sitting on a chair and staring at her phone. Rachel was leaning on her shoulder, wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. Dean swallowed as he took in the sight, and he realized how much he missed Charlie. He hadn't had a proper goodbye with Charlie.

Dean cleared his throat softly and Charlie snapped her head up. Her eyes were red, her cheeks were flushed, and it was obvious she'd been crying. Dean's stomach lurched and more guilt flooded through him as he realized that this was his fault, too.

Charlie stared at him with wide eyes, as though not sure if she could even see him or if he was a hallucination. She looked away to Rachel and gently laid her head on the back of her chair, then stood up slowly. Dean stepped forward, and Charlie rushed at him, wrapped herself in his arms, and began sobbing into his shoulder. This was unusual for Dean. He'd never seen Charlie cry. He stroked through her hair and breathed heavily into her neck. They stood together in the middle of the hallway for a long time, crying and hugging. 

"Oh God, Dean..." Charlie squeaked. Her voice was rough and full of relief. She broke apart from him, took his hand, and guided him to the chairs she had just vacated. They sat down, fingers locked, and Dean stared at the door opposite them.

It looked like any other door. It was tall and white and had a silver knob. There was a long, narrow window on the top half, but there was white fabric on the other side, blocking Dean's view. Dean took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn't want to cry. Crying made it seem like he'd already lost the person who was lying unconscious on the other side of that door.

Charlie squeezed Dean's hand and gently rubbed her thumb along his knuckles. "You can go in if you want," she said softly, her voice kind and gentle. "He probably won't respond, but if you wanted to see him..."

Dean eyed the doorknob. He didn't feel as though he deserved to see his blue-eyed boy. He didn't feel like it was within his right to stand up and twist that door knob. He didn't think that Cas would want him there. 

"It's all my fault," he whispered, to himself more than to Charlie.

Charlie sighed and rested her head on Dean's shoulder. "I knew you were going to say that," she mumbled. "I also know that nothing I say is going to make you stop believing that. But you should know that I don't blame you. And Gabriel doesn't blame you. And Rachel doesn't blame you. And Cas wouldn't blame you, either."

"Don't," Dean said sternly. Charlie lifted her head and looked at him.

"Don't what?"

"Don't talk about him like that." Dean's eyes were welling again. "Don't talk about him like he's already dead." His voice dropped to a squeaky whisper at that last word, and tiny drops began spilling down his cheeks. "You were talking like that with those texts you sent me, too. Just... Don't."

"I... I didn't mean--"

"I know you didn't."

"I... I-I'm sorry."

Dean ignored her. He wasn't angry with her. He was angry with himself, and, frankly, he was angry at Cas. _How could he do something so selfish?_ He thought to himself. _Why the fuck would he do this? Why the fuck wouldn't he...._

His thoughts trailed off as he began to realize something. He realized that he should have seen this coming. He realized that, had Charlie not texted him when she did, he would have done exactly what Cas did. He realized that, even though he hadn't consciously thought about it, doing what Cas had done was exactly what he himself wanted to do. Not only did he feel even more guilty, thinking about what that would have done to Sam, Bobby, Jody, and Charlie... He finally understood.

He released Charlie's hand and stood up from the chair. His tears were gone, he was no longer tense, and his heart was beating at a normal pace. He wasn't scared or nervous anymore, he just felt normal. He felt like everything made sense, and although he still felt extremely guilty, he wasn't angry anymore. 

Dean approached the door, twisted the knob, and pushed gently. The sound of a beeping heart monitor reached his ears before he could see anything. He took another deep breath, pushed the door open just enough for him to fit through, and he slipped in the room.

It looked like the hospital rooms you see on TV. There were a few chairs by the window, some machinery that Dean couldn't understand, a television mounted on the wall... And a large bed on wheels. In that bed, laid a boy with black hair and pale skin. His eyes were shut and his breathing was steady. He had a tube in his nose and he was attached at the wrist to an IV bag.

Dean could barely recognize him. The boy he loved so much, the boy he'd never stopped loving, even for one second, was lying in front of him, all strapped to a bed, no idea that Dean was even there. 

He looked thin and boney, even more so than usual. He had dark circles and bags under his eyes, and his hair looked thinner and grayer than usual. Dean felt a stab in his heart as he stared at him, but he quickly collected himself, reminding himself that it didn't matter how he felt, it only mattered that this boy was okay.

He didn't notice Charlie until she gently laid her hand on his arm. He glanced at her for a moment, then put his arm around her shoulders as he looked back at Cas. She slid her arm around his waist, and they stood there, staring at Cas.

"He looks so... Thin," Dean mumbled.

"Yeah..." Charlie sighed. "That's not new. He's been looking like that for a few weeks now. He's been... Skipping meals, refusing to get out of bed, that kind of thing. I tried to force him to eat or even just get out of bed to take a shower, but you know Cas. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it, end of story."

Dean remained silent as he realized just how similar he and Cas had been recently, even though they hadn't spoken to each other in months. It could have been either of them to take the final step first. It could be Dean lying in a hospital bed in Sioux Falls, with Cas standing over him. 

He gave Charlie a squeeze, planted a kiss on the top of her head, then rested his cheek to her temple. If he knew anything, he knew he couldn't put Charlie through anything like this ever again. 

~~~

Dean woke up six hours later leaning against Charlie on the chairs outside Cas' room, to the sound of a nurse going in to check on Cas. He rubbed his eyes, stood up from the chair, and walked toward Cas' door to peek inside. The nurse was checking Cas' blood pressure and changing his IV bag. Dean ran his hands through his hair before making his way to the front desk to find out if there was any coffee. The nurse with the kind face told him that if he went to the main entrance, he'd find a small coffee shop. Dean thanked her and made his way through the hospital.

Dean hated hospitals. He always had. Growing up he'd learned that fighting for life was more important than anything. Hospitals were where people went to die. Hospitals were where you went if there was no where else to go, and more often than not, if you're in a state like Cas, you never come out.

When he finally reached the front of the hospital, he spotted the coffee shop, and right next door was a small convenience store, which was mostly selling things like flowers and chocolate, presumably a ploy to make visitors feel guilty for not bringing any to begin with. Although Dean realized this, he decided he'd go in and buy some flowers for Cas. Or, rather, Cas' room. Cas couldn't much appreciate them at this point.

He picked out some bright blue flowers and carried his purchase out to the coffee shop, where he treated himself and Charlie to double shot mochas. He made his way back to Charlie, trying to focus on the flowers, rather than all the death that surrounded him. The flowers made him feel peaceful. It must have been the color.

"What are those?" Charlie asked, taking her cup from Dean as he sat back down next to her.

"Well good morning to you, too, and you're welcome for the coffee," Dean answered grumpily. "They're flowers. I felt like Cas' room was too dull."

"They're the same color as his eyes," Charlie pointed out, sipping her drink.

Dean looked down at the flowers. She was right. They were exactly the same shade of blue as Castiel's eyes-- that would explain why Dean found them comforting. They also made him feel guilty again, so he laid them on the seat next to his and turned his attention to Charlie.

"How long have you been here?"

Charlie sighed. "I got here when Cas did, yesterday."

Dean gave her a sad look. "How much have you slept?"

"Not much," she answered, rubbing her eyes. She had dark circles and looked almost as bad as Cas did. Dean put her arm around her.

"You should go home and rest. Actually, shouldn't you be in school?"

Charlie rolled her eyes. "Do you really think I give a shit about school when my best friend is lying unconscious in a hospital bed?"

Dean nodded, then glanced over at Rachel, who was still curled up in a ball, sound asleep. "What about her? Is she planning to just camp out here until he wakes up? Because I don't think the hospital will let her do that."

"Michael's going to pick her up after work today and he's making her go back to school. She didn't want to, but he's given her a cell phone, and I promised I'd call her if anything happened. She insisted on staying last night, though-- not that it made much difference, she's been asleep the entire time."

"She's been through a lot for a kid her age."

"I suppose."

They sat in silence for a little while until the nurse reemerged from Cas' room.

"You can go in if you want," she said happily. "He's still out, but there have been a few minor improvements. The pills he took are almost completely out of his system. He might even wake up today!" She smiled at Dean and Charlie, then retreated back to the nurse's station.

Dean removed his arm from around Charlie's shoulders, picked up the flowers, stood up, and was about to open the door when he stopped.

"Can you just like... Can you give me a minute? Not let anyone in? I... I wanna talk to him alone for a sec."

Charlie gave him a questioning look, as if to say _"he can't hear you, there's no point in talking to him,"_ but that expression quickly changed to one of understanding, and she nodded.

Dean took yet another deep breath, and entered the room, closing the door behind him.

The soft beeping from the heart rate monitor was the only sound that filled the room as Dean crossed the small empty space to the bed, pulled over one of the lounge chairs, and sat down on it to the right of Cas. He leaned over to the bedside table and laid the flowers down, making a mental note to remember to get a vase next time.

He turned back to Cas and stared at his closed eyes for a long time. He wanted more than anything for them to open so he could see the beautiful shade of blue he'd always associate with this boy, but Cas didn't move. Dean felt a lump rise in the back of his throat as he was reminded, once again, that this was all his fault.

He gently placed his hand over Cas'. It felt warm and familiar, and even though he'd started to cry, Dean let himself smile at the sensation. He picked up Cas' limp hand and held it in his own, letting tears drip silently down his cheeks. With his other hand, he brushed away the few strands of hair that had fallen loose on Cas' forehead and his smile grew wider.

He had no idea why he felt that this was the appropriate time to smile. It didn't feel like it should have been, but it was all he wanted to do. This certainly wasn't how he thought his reunion with Cas was going to go, but he wasn't going to force himself to be miserable if his body clearly didn't want him to be.

He let out a small sob and his whole body shook, tears pouring out of his eyes, but still, he smiled. 

"Hey," he croaked. His voice was hoarse and barely there. "I, uh... I know you can't hear me, but..." his voice vanished as more tears fell. "This-this is stupid."

Dean let go of Cas'hand and sat back in the chair wiping his eyes. _No,_ he thought to himself. _No, even if he can't hear me... I have to get this out._

He scooted the chair closer to the bed and picked up Cas' hand again and held it between his own. He placed a small kiss on the bony knuckles and sighed deeply. "Okay... Here it goes, I guess... Cas... I'm so sorry," Dean whispered, his voice hitching in his throat. "I'm so sorry you had to meet me, I'm so sorry you had to meet my dad, and I'm so sorry I did this to you. I just... Cas, I love you so much, and I know you can't hear me-- God damn, do I know-- but just..." He breathed heavily and squeezed Cas' unresponsive hand. 

"If there was anything, anything in the world, that I could have done to stop you from doing this, all you had to do was ask. I-I know how you feel, and... And I was pretty close to doing this to myself, but..." He was suddenly finding it hard to breathe and maintain a calm voice. His smile was miles away now. 

"God, Cas, just wake up, please wake up, man, I can't do any of this without you, and I know I'm being totally selfish, and I'm sorry and I'll make it up to you, but first you have to _wake up."_ His voice was growing louder and he was clinging to Cas' hand as if his life depended on it. "Damn it Cas, don't do this to me, don't do this to Charlie, don't do this to Rachel. Please wake up, just _wake up, WAKE UP!"_ He screamed those last two words, and that was it; he couldn't keep it in any longer. 

He sobbed into Cas' hand, screaming and cursing the day they met. His sobs grew louder and louder, and eventually he heard someone come in the room and tell him to quiet down. He ignored them. He didn't give a shit if he was disturbing the God damn queen-- he was letting himself have this one. 

He screamed. He thrashed. He cried. He shouted. He pounded his fists. He pulled on his hair. He had fallen off the chair and was on the floor. He was angry. No, he was _furious._ He wanted to break something. He wanted to give someone a bloody nose. He wanted to throw himself off the highest mountain because he _knew_ he deserved it.

"Wake up... Cas, please, _wake up!"_ He shouted, over and over, to the point where he wasn't even talking to Cas anymore, he was talking to anyone who would listen. He didn't care what had to happen, he just wanted his baby back.

Just then he felt someone lift him to his feet and bring his head down to their shoulder. He held that person tighter than he'd ever held anything before. He cried loudly into their jacket and they guided him out of Cas' room into the hallway.

"It's alright, son. Just let it out," a rough voice said. The voice mixed with that familiar smell of whiskey and motor oil made Dean cry even harder. 

"I-I can't, Bobby, _this is all my fault, it's all my FAULT!"_

"Sir, if he doesn't quiet down, we're going to have to ask you to leave, he's disturbing other patients."

"He's been through a lot, give him a break."

"I understand, sir, but the other patien-"

"Alright, alright-- Come on, Dean, let's go for a little walk."

Before he knew it, Dean was being dragged outside by Bobby's strong arms. When they cleared the door, Dean collapsed on the grass outside and wailed like a toddler who'd just had his toys taken away. But this was so much worse. He'd gladly give up every single thing he owned if it meant he could have one more day with Cas. He'd go back to living with his dad on the road, taking a beating every night, if he could just have _one more day_ to tell Cas how much he loved him. But he knew that wouldn't happen. He knew the world didn't work like that.

"It-it's not _fair,_ Bobby! I-I should be the one in that bed, not him, he doesn't _deserve this!_ "

"Now, don't talk like that, Dean," Bobby said, crouching next to him and rubbing his hand on his back. "You don't deserve that any more than he does. You boys... You're just _kids._ You shouldn't have had to go through what you did, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help more."

Dean's breathing began to slow when Bobby said that. His head began to clear. "Bobby, s-stop it, you've d-done more for me than anyone else h-has, this is n-not your fault."

"Exactly my point. This isn't my fault. And it's not your fault, either. Do you really think Cas would want you to be like this? Causing a raucous in a hospital because you blame yourself for something you couldn't control?"

"But... But--"

"No, Dean. You can't keep blaming yourself for this stuff. This is what life is, alright? It's messy and painful and sometimes... Sometimes you lose the ones you love and-and sometimes you blame yourself, but it's _not your fault."_

Dean was still crying, but he had quieted down listening to Bobby. The way his uncle was talking made it sound like he'd been through something like this before...

"Bobby... Bobby, what happened to your wife?"

Bobby sat down on the curb next to the grass with his back to Dean. Dean sat up, and even though he had a massive headache, he forced himself to sit next to Bobby. He had known that Bobby had been married, but he had no idea what happened to his wife, and whenever he asked, his uncle would brush it off or pretend he didn't hear. But this time...

"Bobby?"

Bobby turned and looked at Dean, and for the first time in his life, Dean thought he detected a trace of tears under his eyes.

"I never told you boys this because I didn't want you to think less of me," Bobby grumbled quietly. "But... Back before I met your daddy, my wife, Karen... She was possessed by a demon." Bobby took a shaky breath. "This was before I knew there was a cure. I just... I knew evil when I saw it, and I didn't know what to do, so I... I stabbed her."

Dean had stopped crying. He was just staring.

"She was attacking me, and I... I had to. Knowing what I know now, you can imagine I'm pissed as all hell... But I've been living with that guilt for almost twenty years."

"Guilt?" Dean said, surprised. "Bobby, you have nothing to be guilty about, you were just defending yourself."

"Exactly." Bobby turned to look at Dean in the eyes, and Dean suddenly understood. "That wasn't my fault, but I still blame myself. And this thing with Cas... It isn't your fault, but you blame yourself. Trust me, son, it's not worth it. Guilt leads to depression and depression leads to lots and lots of booze... And booze leads to bad decisions."

Dean turned away from Bobby and looked up at the bright sky. It was almost midday now. His head was throbbing from crying and his eyes were burning, but he didn't look away from the brightness. The day suddenly seemed beautiful... And the blue sky... Blue...

"You're right, Bobby."

"'Course I am. I'm always right." Bobby smiled and patted the top of Dean's head as he stood up. "I hate to do this now, but I really oughta be heading back home now. I've got your bag in the truck-- are you gonna be alright?"

Dean rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands and stood up. "Yeah... Yeah, I'll be fine. Charlie'll keep me in check," Dean grinned clumsily. Bobby smiled again.

"Alright. Well, you call me if you need anything."

After Bobby left, Dean reunited with Charlie and apologized to the nurses for his behavior. They all understood and told him not to worry about it. Dean was grateful to be surrounded by so many supportive people.

One of the nurses dug out a dusty old vase and filled it with water for Cas' flowers, and Dean carried it into Cas' room, placed it on the bedside table, and spent the better part of half an hour arranging them to look nice. 

He spent the rest of the day playing card games with Charlie and Rachel on the floor of Cas' room, only being interrupted a few times by nurses coming in to check on Cas. He wasn't exactly happy, but he wasn't feeling guilty anymore. He should have known.

If anyone in the world could understand him and make him feel better about the worse situation he'd ever been in, it was Bobby.


End file.
